This has been the longest week already and it’s only fucking Tuesday?  This seems impossible to me.  It should be Friday, shouldn’t it?  Thursday at least.

Anyone having anxiety problems and not sleeping?

I am.

Only last night it was thunder that woke me up.  It sounded like the house next door exploded (oh lord wouldn’t that be wonderful?) but it was only thunder and it scared the bejeezus out of me and I sat straight up, gasping, my heart pounding, and never went back to sleep.  I’ve been awake since 2:30 worrying about things that are going on in my life right now and periodically crying my guts out and waking Mister up.

I’m so much fun I can hardly stand to be around myself.

Part of the freakout is anxiety about kindergarten.  I’m freaking out because I’m letting my Girlfriend go out into the world where people can hurt her and I won’t be there to kill them.  What if some little fucker is mean to her?  There isn’t shit I can do.  What if she gets on the wrong bus?  Will she be lost forever?

Is it still cool in Kindergarten to wear a Care Bears shirt?

What about a Care Bears lunchbox, because that’s what I got her.  It has a rainbow handle and sparkles.  Is somebody gonna beat her up now?  When I was in first grade, Justin Lyons had a Star Wars lunchbox and it infuriated me.  I totally wanted to choke him for being such a dork.  I remember telling my grandfather about it, it was that big of a deal.

My lunchbox had Lassie on it which was much cooler, obviously.

I don’t want anyone to persecute Girlfriend for loving Care Bears,  I don’t.

And I’m signing her up for a yoga class and an acting class and do you think that will be too much for her?  Will yoga and playing pretend stress her out too much because that’s so not the point.

These and many other things are torturing your poor Crissy’s tired brain.

Plus, we’ve been to sooooo many parties that the past two weekends have been insanely busy with crap to go to and I haven’t had any head space at all.  I want to go hide under my bed because I’m not that social.  I’m really pretty shy and having to talk to people sends me right to the vodka.

Mister’s been trying to get me to take a Valium, but I’m scared of it because I’m probably the only person who can take a Valium and have a panic attack because I just took a Valium.

Psy-cho.

So yeah.  That’s all I’ve got for today, so I want you guys to tell me what was on your lunchboxes and if you got beat up for it.

I had a Holly Hobby, Lassie, Muppets, Strawberry Shortcake, Barbie and Smurfs.

Now you.

A while back, The Gonzo Mama, publisher of The Gonzo Parenting Zine and recent guest writer at Toy with Me asked me to review her book, Everything I Need to Know About Motherhood I Learned from Animal House.

It’s taken me ages to finally do it (sorry Gonzo Mama!) because I’ve got my own Animal House going on over here.  In fact, I’m typing this with one hand while trying to keep Homeslice from falling off the bed and Girlfriend from kicking her in the face.  My life is pretty much a living hell 90% of the time.  And to think I’ve been awake since 2:30 am worrying about the welfare of these little crotchfroots! GAH!

But I digress.

This Gonzo Mama is truly a nutter.  She has seven children.

Yeah,  SEVEN.

As in 7.

I would totally kill myself if I had 7 kids, but this lady is a saint.  One little boy is her biological child, four others belong to her second husband, and two are adopted nieces.

Clearly, this lady knows a little bit about motherhood and marriage, and with that many kids running around, she’s got some funny stories!

This is what is says on the back of the book that had me lol’ing:

Raising kids is like living in a frat house.  There are too many all-nighters, there is never enough coffee or Top Ramen, the toilets are never clean, it’s no surprise if someone is puking and you never know who is going to be in your bed when you wake up.

The book is a collection of fun and entertaining essays which I read while sitting on the bathroom floor waiting for the kids to finish their baths.  It would also make an, ahem, wonderful potty time book if you’re a potty time reader.  I’m not, but some people are (Mister totally read it on the potty).  Think of it as the Reader’s Digest of motherhood, if you will.

I think my favorite chapter is the one titled Divine Secrets of the Ma-Ma Sisterhood. What she describes there is spot-on, and it is exactly why Mommy Blogs exist.  You’ve gotta read it.

Go git yerself a copy and have some laughs, Queefies!

The other day I was exercising while the two Princesses of Fucking Everything enjoyed their dress ups and their play kitchen. It was sooooo cute watching them together until Girlfriend swiped the Hello Kitty purse Homeslice had been filling with toy cutlery right out of her hands.

Well!

Homeslice let out a bear-like growl, picked up a plastic toy knife, and shanked her sister!

Girlfriend will think twice before gankin’ her sister’s bag again, I can tell you that. I did nothing to intervene because Homeslice had the situation well in hand, clearly.

I’m probably a better mother than you because I firmly believe that children should try to settle conflicts themselves–even if bitches have to get cut.

She’s also been going out and gettin’ crunk and eating cake till 7pm.

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She’s going to be the first 14 month-old in Juvee. We’re very proud, obviously.

So yesterday I was at work and I went to Flickr so I could change my desktop background to a picture of Girlfriend and Homeslice that Mister took on Monday, and what do I find but a picture of me in my bikini top.

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and I looked at the comments and it seems that Mister, my husband, added it to the group “SMALL SAGGY BOOBS.”

Yes, he did.

As I understand it, it was at the suggestion of one of his Flickr buddies.

And, as you would expect,the pictures in that group are not very pretty boob pictures. They’re random and sad with a few stunning misfits here and there, but mostly saggy boobs. Here. Go check it out if you want.

What makes this really painful for me, Queefies, is that after the glory and the splendor of the nursing boobs from last year I am left with, yes, small and saggy boobs and Mister knows this is hard for me because boobs are one of the first things people notice on a woman. When you go from a 34 D voluptuous lady to a 34 A 12 year-old boy it sucks pretty hard core.

When I saw that I had been elected to the itty bitty titty committee I started crying at my desk and I felt like everyone was laughing at me. I wonder how Mister would like it if I started a group called “I have a micropenis” and put all pictures of him in it. Knowing him, he probably wouldn’t care, but that’s all I have to compare it to, so there you go.

And he doesn’t think he did anything wrong at all and that I’m being really sensitive and he says the pictures in that group are all nice pictures and the group is owned by a German guy and so there’s something lost in translation and “SMALL SAGGY BOOBS” isn’t really what it looks like, but I still think adding my picture to something under that title, no matter what the content, is a crappy and insensitive thing to do.

Is anyone German? What’s this say? durch.-hängende wackelnde Busen

I put it into Babelfish and it said something about hanging boobs. Still not pretty.

And so I’m pretty sad to have my most insecure thoughts about my body confirmed by the publicness and my husband, so I’m thinking about putting a Paypal thingy on my sidebar so people can donate money to FUCK THE OIL SPILL, BUY CRISSY SOME TITS so people stop calling my boobs small and saggy.

The End.

PS: If Mister thinks he’s going to see my small and saggies any time soon, he can take his micropenis and get lost.
PSS: He doesn’t really have a micropenis, but if he did, I wouldn’t put a picture of it on the Internet so everyone could laugh at him.
PSSS: Actually, I would just so he knows how it feels.
PSSSS: It’s a Toy with Me day today! It’s about Major Faux Pas In The Boudouir. Apropos, no?
PSSSSS: The next Ask Girlfriend is coming up and this time it’s on video! Get your questions in!

For those of us who aren’t yippie-skipping off to BlogHer, here’s an Ask Girlfriend for you.  It’s arguably better than Vaginapalooza.  If you really want, I’ll mail you a laundry soap sample and a cheap vibrator and you can tell everyone you were there and you didn’t even have to spend $150,000 or put pants on.

Dear girlfriend, I have a new boss at work and he doesn’t like how much time we spend on the internet.  how can i get away with reading blogs all day without him noticing?

You should, when you hear his footsteps, you should do what you’re supposed to do. You should fool him. Look on the Internet until he comes in and then stop.

Dear Girlfriend,
My daughter is going to become a big sister for the first time soon, do you have any advice for a big sister to be?

Hmmm…Yes. Do you know what? You should not let the baby pull your hair or climb on the couch. My sister does that and yours will too. You should go everywhere to hide from her because she’s annoying. I’ve been through it and you’ll go through it soon and guess what? You should hide in the basement. And please, please, please find some quite time just for yourself.

Dear Girlfriend- I just had a baby 4 months ago and my husband (her daddy) wants another one already! I keep telling him I’m tired and I think we should wait a while, but he says no. What can I tell him to get him to change his mind?
Sincerely- Tired Mama

Tell him to go play the Wii. That’ll keep him busy.

Dear Girlfriend,
What do you do about a person who chews their gum too loud? Also what about farting?

Hold your nose and cover your ears. That’s what you should do. Or just go outside. It shouldn’t be a problem.

Girlfriend, I would like to stop being mistaken for a child. I am almost 27. How can I look more like a grown up?

Stand on your tippie toes and buy some Romper Stompers. Romper Stompers are big dinosaur feet. Your mom can show you how to use them. You should also get a gumball machine for your birthday.

i’ve got a really good question for her:

how can we make our five year old stop chattering and babbling and yelling all day long?

Give her some salad and take her to the mountains and bring Sassy water–basil, cucumbers, and lemon juice.

I really like to drink wine at the end of a busy day. But one glass turns into three so quickly and then the bottle is gone. Am I consuming too much, what does my liver think?

Mommy in love with Chardonnay

Yes. You drink waaaaayyyy too much. Stop drinking for a little bit. Try to drink some soda or lemonade instead.

Dear Girlfriend,

My son wears a leg brace that covers his entire left leg. His leg broke when he was just 6 months old and he will have to wear a brace until he is about 18 years old. I’m worried about him getting bullied at school or made fun of because of the brace he has to wear. He’s only three and in preschool. Do you think the kids will be nice to him? What are some things we can do to make sure he’s not bullied?

Sincerely,
Worried Mommy

You should bring an extra leg brace for the other kids to try on so they know what it feels like to be him. I think the kids will be nice to him. Also, bring soda.

Dear Girlfriend – Don’t you think Thomas and Toby have a little something going on the side?

Yes.

Please tell Girlfriend she gives excellent advice and that my long hair is just brown, not purple or red. But I may try purple extensions. Next question:

“Girlfriend, I am now scared that I might trip on my long hair and fall while I’m running. But if I stop running, I might get pudgy from lack of exercise. What other kind of exercise should I do?”

She should pretend to run.

I totally need to sell 5,000 copies of my new book so I won’t be a broke-ass
mama anymore and so people will like me (you know, like that lady who wrote
all the Twilight books? Stephanie Whatsherface?).

Have you ever sold anything? If so, how did you get people to buy it? I
mean, I don’t want to sell my panties on Craiglist or anything, because who
would do that? Right?

Sincerely,
Broke-ass Mama

Yes. I have sold nothing before.  Maybe you could have a yard sale in your house.

Dear Girlfriend,

I recently lost my job. I need to have a job so I can have money. But, I really like to make bath fizzies and having a job cuts into my time to make bath fizzies. I don’t make enough money selling bath fizzies to pay my bills. Should I stop spending time on bath fizzies and try to be happy working a real job? Or should I do what I love and be poor?

You rock!

Thank you,

The Bath Fizzie Lady

Um, you should do what you love and don’t be poor. Do not. Work and work and work at your bath fizzies and maybe you’ll be rich. I’ll buy some bath fizzies from you. I have some money in my piggy bank.

What do think is the best way to help mom or dad feel better when they are sick and not feeling well?

Give em’ get well cards and fold the laundry!

I have a young daughter. What kind of fun father things should I do with her? She likes Elmo. She hates Jack in the boxes, as I and the rest of Target discovered today.

Don’t buy a Jack in the Box! Get no Jack in the Boxes!