For those of us who aren’t yippie-skipping off to BlogHer, here’s an Ask Girlfriend for you. It’s arguably better than Vaginapalooza. If you really want, I’ll mail you a laundry soap sample and a cheap vibrator and you can tell everyone you were there and you didn’t even have to spend $150,000 or put pants on.
Dear girlfriend, I have a new boss at work and he doesn’t like how much time we spend on the internet. how can i get away with reading blogs all day without him noticing?
You should, when you hear his footsteps, you should do what you’re supposed to do. You should fool him. Look on the Internet until he comes in and then stop.
My daughter is going to become a big sister for the first time soon, do you have any advice for a big sister to be?
Hmmm…Yes. Do you know what? You should not let the baby pull your hair or climb on the couch. My sister does that and yours will too. You should go everywhere to hide from her because she’s annoying. I’ve been through it and you’ll go through it soon and guess what? You should hide in the basement. And please, please, please find some quite time just for yourself.
Dear Girlfriend- I just had a baby 4 months ago and my husband (her daddy) wants another one already! I keep telling him I’m tired and I think we should wait a while, but he says no. What can I tell him to get him to change his mind?
Sincerely- Tired Mama
Tell him to go play the Wii. That’ll keep him busy.
What do you do about a person who chews their gum too loud? Also what about farting?
Hold your nose and cover your ears. That’s what you should do. Or just go outside. It shouldn’t be a problem.
Girlfriend, I would like to stop being mistaken for a child. I am almost 27. How can I look more like a grown up?
Stand on your tippie toes and buy some Romper Stompers. Romper Stompers are big dinosaur feet. Your mom can show you how to use them. You should also get a gumball machine for your birthday.
i’ve got a really good question for her:
how can we make our five year old stop chattering and babbling and yelling all day long?
Give her some salad and take her to the mountains and bring Sassy water–basil, cucumbers, and lemon juice.
I really like to drink wine at the end of a busy day. But one glass turns into three so quickly and then the bottle is gone. Am I consuming too much, what does my liver think?
Mommy in love with Chardonnay
Yes. You drink waaaaayyyy too much. Stop drinking for a little bit. Try to drink some soda or lemonade instead.
My son wears a leg brace that covers his entire left leg. His leg broke when he was just 6 months old and he will have to wear a brace until he is about 18 years old. I’m worried about him getting bullied at school or made fun of because of the brace he has to wear. He’s only three and in preschool. Do you think the kids will be nice to him? What are some things we can do to make sure he’s not bullied?
You should bring an extra leg brace for the other kids to try on so they know what it feels like to be him. I think the kids will be nice to him. Also, bring soda.
Dear Girlfriend – Don’t you think Thomas and Toby have a little something going on the side?
Please tell Girlfriend she gives excellent advice and that my long hair is just brown, not purple or red. But I may try purple extensions. Next question:
“Girlfriend, I am now scared that I might trip on my long hair and fall while I’m running. But if I stop running, I might get pudgy from lack of exercise. What other kind of exercise should I do?”
She should pretend to run.
I totally need to sell 5,000 copies of my new book so I won’t be a broke-ass
mama anymore and so people will like me (you know, like that lady who wrote
all the Twilight books? Stephanie Whatsherface?).
Have you ever sold anything? If so, how did you get people to buy it? I
mean, I don’t want to sell my panties on Craiglist or anything, because who
would do that? Right?
Yes. I have sold nothing before. Maybe you could have a yard sale in your house.
I recently lost my job. I need to have a job so I can have money. But, I really like to make bath fizzies and having a job cuts into my time to make bath fizzies. I don’t make enough money selling bath fizzies to pay my bills. Should I stop spending time on bath fizzies and try to be happy working a real job? Or should I do what I love and be poor?
The Bath Fizzie Lady
Um, you should do what you love and don’t be poor. Do not. Work and work and work at your bath fizzies and maybe you’ll be rich. I’ll buy some bath fizzies from you. I have some money in my piggy bank.
What do think is the best way to help mom or dad feel better when they are sick and not feeling well?
Give em’ get well cards and fold the laundry!
I have a young daughter. What kind of fun father things should I do with her? She likes Elmo. She hates Jack in the boxes, as I and the rest of Target discovered today.
Don’t buy a Jack in the Box! Get no Jack in the Boxes!