A day in the life. OR why vodka is good for lunch.

Wake up at 5.
5:15: Suck down horrible tasting coffee before giving up 1/2 way through despite desperate need for caffination because it tastes that bad. It was like someone jerked off in my coffee. Fuck you, Dunkin Donuts.  FUCK. YOU.
5:58 have two minutes to put on work out clothes, brush teeth, and check email. Computer crashes. Skip email. Put on work out gear and get ready to do Brazil Butt Lift for toned,tight, and high bum bum guaranteed!
6:02: Pick up toys from work out area. Cannot find Brazil Butt Lift DVD.
6:07: Locate Brazil Butt Lift DVD, put into player, DVD does not work.
6:07.5: Chuck piece of shit Brazil Butt Lift DVD across the room.
6:09: Sit on the floor and cry.
6:15: Settle for Turbo Jam instead, begin workout.
6:30: Mister leaving for work, hands Homeslice over to me.
6:55: Have paused Turbo Jam approximately 7 times to pull Homeslice off couch, dining room chairs, kitchen chairs, and train table, wipe Girlfriend’s ass, get her a pre-breakfast snack, and find “cup.”
7:15: Head upstairs for shower. Drag Homeslice kicking and screaming into the bathroom with selection of toys which she ignores in favor of standing with both hands on shower doors while screaming.
7:30: Dry off, get dressed in mis matched skirt and tee shirt from giant pile of laundry still waiting to be put away since motherfucking Saturday, change Homeslice’s poopy diaper while she writhes, twists, screams, and kicks at my face with shit on her heel. Brush Girlfriend’s hair while she screams bloody murder and Homeslice climbs up my leg, also screaming.
7:45: Homeslice finds horrible coffee left on my nightstand and dumps it all down her dress, my comforter, my bedskirt, and the floor.
7:47: Change Homeslice’s dress, mop floor, strip bed.
7:49 Discover that while I was cleaning the coffee mess, Homeslice has opened a bag of cotton balls and shred them all over the place. There’s also one in her mouth.
7:55: Girlfriend, for some reason, has taken off all her clothes and gotten back into what is left of my bed. I now have to fight her to get her to put them back on.
7:57: While fighting with Girlfriend, Homeslice finds the 1/2 full beer Mister left on his nightstand and dumps it into a basket of library books.
8:00: Wipe down and fan out library books.
8:20: Prepare and serve breakfast. It actually goes okay.
9:30: Go back upstairs to gather laundry. Pick up basket, carry down to first landing. Back up stairs, carry Homeslice down to landing. Pick up basket, carry to next landing. Go back up, carry Homeslice, repeat three more times until laundry is finally at washer in basement
9:55: Clean cat box, find that he’s eaten a good length of satin ribbon, gather Mister’s dirty dishes and empty beer cans from basement, collect Girlfriend’s shoes, get laundry out of washer.
10:15: Repeat stairs procedure and head out to clothes line to hang clothes out. Pull Homeslice off deck stairs approximately 897 times, give or take. Stop her from eating chalk. Stop her from walking through Alice’s Meadow Muffin Mine Field.
10:50: Go out to the garden to pick 8 million cherry tomatoes. Put 8 million cherry tomatoes into large silver bowl, while stopping to pull one out of Homeslice’s mouth about every other tomato.
11:00: Homeslice trips and falls into the bowl of 8 million cherry tomatoes, spilling the entire thing and sending them rolling all over the garden.
11:30: Re-collect tomatoes with Girlfriend’s help. Bring tomatoes in to sink to wash, open under sink cabinet to throw away paper towel and bottle of cleaning solution tumbles out of cabinet, onto floor and spills everywhere. Cleaning solution not safe for hardwoods. Douse floor with water while keeping Homeslice at bay with foot. Fail miserably, must now bathe Homeslice to get cleaning solution off her hands and arms and legs after she splashed in it.
12:13: Blogging about my morning which has been pretty typical actually while Homeslice, after a busy morning attempting suicide, is asleep in her organic freeze dried bananas. Girlfriend is having croutons and pickles for lunch and I’m totally understanding why those moms in the 1950’s were shit faced by 1:00.

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  1. Crissy, you are AMAZING and I say that with awe and admiration. You have no idea how much I appreciate that you DO find a minute or two to sit down and blog amid the chaos.

    I ♥ You!
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Busy Monday =-.

  2. Oh holy hell! This makes me re-think wanting to have another baby (#1 is only 7 months). I thought it might be good to have them closer together, get all the funy business (like diapers and potty training) out of the way around the same time. I think I might be delusional. I think I might wait…

    For what it’s worth, I sounds to me like you’re doing a great job.

  3. Wish I was closer to take Homeslice off your hands for a day. My offspring are 12, 11, and 6, and the only reason they’re still alive was a portable playpen with toys, and later a toddler-safe playroom (with baby-gated door and a baby monitor,) where I could set them down for 5 fucking minutes a couple times per day so I could go to the bathroom, scream in the next room, cry, whatever.

    Motherhood’s a roughass job, but you’re doing beautifully. Hang in there.

  4. Girl, you and I need to pick up 2 half-gallons (one for each of us, naturally) find a walk-in closet, put the girls in a dog crate big enough for the three of them (I have no idea how you function with two. You are pretty much my idol for that) set them up with some toys that they don’t know are toys because they don’t want to be bothered with anything remotely age-appropriate and have the Sprout channel babysit. When CPS shows up, we’ll pretend we have no idea “who these kids are or how we got them.” And then sleep it off in prison, which I prefer to imagine and refer to it as close to a vacation in the Carribean that I’m gonna get. Hit me up.
    .-= MandyMoore’s last blog post… Back to school time makes me miss being irresponsible and slutty Yeah- I said it! What =-.

  5. When my boys were Homeslice’s age (and they were 22 months apart, so I had one about that age for a while), I had a few tricks to keep them contained and/or occupied. If Homeslice will stand it, use a walker or a doorway bouncer, even if it only works for a couple minutes. Outside, you can try a baby swing. I had one hanging right on my clothesline pole. In the kitchen, I babyproofed every cupboard except one, which had the pots and pans and plastic stuff in it for the kids. When all else fails, go with the Cheez Doodles. When I worked in infant day care, every single baby would sit down and shut up for as long as we kept the Doodles coming. Also, I discovered that a can of Easy Cheez and crackers would keep the kids happy for a long time in the car.

  6. I like dunkin donuts coffee.

    Other than that, I can’t say much. I am not dealing witht that anymore….I’m a way better mommy of a stoner than I was a mommy of a toddler, so I won’t try to give encouraging advice.

    Just know SOMEDAY it does end. Then you wish it was back.

    The enc.

  7. And my mother and mother-in-law did it with five children each!?!?! In the 50’s and early 60’s!!!!?! I have two and can totally relate to what you’re dealing with now! But walking, talking and the teenage years isn’t a piece of cake either! Wanna trade??

  8. That ass-defining workout you attempted this AM? Total overkill considering how many stairs you have to traverse whilst carrying either Homeslice or laundry or both. Those stairs plus the ass workout and your ass must be fucking phenomenal.

  9. Twitch. What the deuce?? My heart thingy instructions failed. GRrrrrr. It totally works everywhere else. Now I look like a damn stalker with three frickin comments. FML.

  10. Fuck you Dunkin Donuts indeed!

    We actually do not have Dunkin Donuts in Los Angeles but my peeps from the east coast rant and rave about the coffee so I decided to buy some beans the last time I was out of coffee. I am no coffee aficionado, but that is some nasty shit my friend!!
    .-= Dani’s last blog post… Mickey Mouse Marathon =-.

  11. I used to think staying home with my kids was the hardest thing in the world. Then I got a job and OMG trying to fit all that stuff I couldn’t get done when I was a SAHM into a few hours when I’m home now is freaking crazy. I’ve decided I’ll just read blogs and drink and worry about all the crap later.
    .-= Mom Taxi Julie’s last blog post… Debbie Downer =-.

  12. LMAO too funny. My husband asked me why having only one kid is so hard while the other is in school. I gave him a similar list verbally. To say the least he shut the hell up.

  13. Oh em gee! You totally just described my mornings this past week – except that instead of doing the laundry and gardening, I dropped the kid off at day care and came to work 40+ hours a week and then came home to try to finish up. So of COURSE my cell phone chooses to break this week, ensuring that I spend 1000 hours waiting for it to be fixed “in just a minute” and ensuring the dogs/cats will be even more p.o.ed at me for being gone so long from the house and not letting them pee on THEIR schedule. *sigh*

    SAH moms have my kudos, admiration, adoration, and praise. My mom did it with 5 (in under 10 years). You do it with 2, in a multilevel home, with a dog and cat, and you manage to look good, feed the kids good food, and clean your house. I sort of fail at most of those things. 🙁

    I <3 you~

  14. by the way, folks: if you want to add a nice heart to your text, hold down the ALT key, and press the 3 on your numeric keypad. when you release the ALT a ♥ will appear.

    yes, it has to be on the numeric keypad.


  15. Excellent post. Crissy my dear I laughed and got angry at your torture at the same time. Is that possible? Wish we had been BFF’s when this day went down:
    (hoped that linked is not jacked)
    because if we were BFF’s then I would be honored to be face down on the kitchen counter sharing virtual Vodka shots.

    Your newest bestie- Kathleen
    .-= Kathleen’s last blog post… Macadamia Nut Fudge Brownies with Kahlua Hot Fudge =-.

  16. Thank you for this blog…. All of a sudden everything makes sense in the world and chugging a whole bottle of wine isn’t bad like I thought.

    *sigh of relief*

  17. That sounds like my day. Except I have to carry a 34 pound toddler and address 6,000 questions because both of mine have fully developed voice boxes. Mornings like that were made for NickJr.

    .-= Sabreena’s last blog post… Day 3 =-.

  18. nor does m have bouts of soul crushing post partum depression. Unless m means my vodka cup, then m is absolutely right. My vodka cup always seems to be half empty.

  19. Ken shame on you for leaving beer cans around. Don’t you know it’s easier to put a kegerator next to bed. In fact it’s easier to put one in all spots you ‘relax’.

    Crissy I personally use the noon rule, except on days like the one you just had and then all bets are off. Hang tough it gets better in 8 years or so, well that’s what I keep telling myself. I’ve got 2 boys 10 & 11 and thier like a pair of mongoose locked in a shoebox. I’m more of a referee than anything else some days.

  20. Oh I LOVE it!!!! Someday your gonna look back on this and miss it so bad! At least thats what i told myself this morning while I was retrieving the contents of my sock drawer out of the toilet…..ya my baby bear thought it’d b funny to suprise mommy while she was in the shower!
    .-= Crystal’s last blog post… Food and Blood for Thought =-.

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