It’s a SMURFOUT!!@1111!!!

Shhhhh!

Lynne and I are going on a stakeout. We spent all day planning it yesterday.

This is what we’re wearing:

Except we got so excited planning it, we forgot why we were going on a stakeout. I doesn’t really matter though because just getting a chance to wear some pretty kick ass outfits is justification in and of itself as far as I’m concerned. And we can hide in the bushes and then, at that critical moment, we can jump out and shout “AH-HA!!!”

That’d be cool.

Also, we’ll bring snacks like Ring-Dings and Twinkies so we have them in case we get hungry because if you leave a stakeout to go do drive through you could miss the thing you’re staking out and then you’re fucked.

Maybe we’ll just pick some random person’s house and just go hide in their bushes. It would be a shame to waste our outfits and delicious snackfoods.

Let’s see…what else did I want to tell you guys?

Oh!

I’m trying to find a babysitter for Homeslice for one day a week and it’s harder than it seems, you guys.

Remember the scene from Mrs.Doubtfire where Daniel calls Miranda and does all the voices to scare the shit out of her?

That’s EXACTLY what it’s like!

They’re all either

Too religious: One lady gave me her entire religious history and then was just like, “oh, and I love children!” I can’t have her turning Homeslice into a CATHOLIC. “Ev-ry sperm is sa-cred, ev-ry sperm is great, if a sperm is wa-st-ed, God gets quite i-rate” is not my favorite nursery rhyme.  NEXT!

Too illiterate:  If you don’t know the diff. between your and you’re then ur not smart enough to take care of my kid.  Is it too much to ask for some basic literacy skills?  Yes.  Yes it is.

Too young and stupid:  Your profile pic should not be of you making SEXYFACE with your cleavage hanging out. Save that shit for MySpace, kay sweetie? I cannot stress this enough.  Also, see above re: your/you’re.

Too foreign:  You know how I feel about  foreign people, right? Too much yucky white guilt when I have to shout en espanol at my nanny. No GRACIAS!

So maybe I won’t be getting a NEW NANNY like Mrs. Fancypants after all.

I found the perfect lady on a babysitter finder website thingy.  She’s 58, has 10 grandchildren, has been foster mother to 14 kids and won Foster Mother of the Year in 2007. I want her! But she’s not getting back to me because obviously she’s also a cunt. I spent $30 to get her email address, the least she could do is tell me to fuck off so I can stop fantasizing about Mrs. Doubtfire babysitting my kid.

HOLY SHIT!

THAT’S WHO WE CAN STAKEOUT!

And we can jump out of the bushes at her and hold up Homeslice and shout “why don’t you want to take care of my baby??”

Wait.

I just remembered who we’re really staking out. We’re supposed to stakeout the Facilities Manager over at Schmuckytown Pubic. She’s got men coming and going all day long and we think she’s running a whorehouse out of the basement. She’s such the type, too.

Homeslice pretty much says “cup” for everything and so Mister thinks we should have taught her “smurf” because it can describe anything and it wouldn’t make people look around for cup when what she really wants is something else entirely. It happens a lot. It’s kind of a problem.  Especially when the closest cup contains vodka and you give it to her before you realize.

It only happened twice, SHUT UP SHE’S FINE.

At least with “smurf” it could mean anything and we can keep guessing until we get it right and perhaps not alcohol poison her.

Also, I’ve been trying to sell some baby crap forfuckingever and nobody wants it, so I posted this ad on Craigslist and the only people emailing me are people saying I’m funny and that they’re sorry they don’t want my crap. The least they could do is flag it for “Best Of” because if I can’t sell my baby crap, I could at least become famous on Craigslist. (That was a hint, people. Go forth and do.)

Aaaannnddd it’s a TOY WITH ME DAY! It’s about smurfy smurfs smurfing. Enjoy!

Why is love and sex for the disabled such a taboo subject?

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17 comments

  1. Nilsa- Care.com. Go check it out!

    Akilah- YOU RULE! THANKS GIRL!

    Melissa- Care.com! And we have three because we needed one for every level of the house. Also, two were just given to us.

  2. I have best of’d you a few times because I’m all nice and suck up like that….and if you wouldn’t mind the drive, I’d totally watch Homeslice for you. But I live something like 3THOUSAND miles away.
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… The Importance of Blogs =-.

  3. So here’s the deal. When I lived in Memphis, I worked for this babysitting type club. Basically, these two moms found themselves in your shoes. They decided to start this club. They did background checks on the sitters and the families. Families paid a monthly fee to be guaranteed (practically) a sitter whenever they needed. This way they felt good because the sitters were checked, and us sitters were okay going into strangers’ homes because they were checked. Plus at the time, I was guaranteed minimum $7.50 an hour from the families and a minimum of 3 hours’ pay (even if I didn’t stay 3 hours). Made it worth my while. Extra pay for holidays/special nights (who wants to give up partying for New Year’s Eve without extra incentive?!). Anyway, you should totally steal this idea and use it in Schmuckytown, RI. Totally.

    And I can’t help but wonder if it was an INTENTIONAL typo that you said “Schmucktown Pubic.” I’m fairly certain anyone working in something called a “pubic” is a whore. It’s a requirement of the job.

    And also, I really want you to either stalk me or let me join you. mostly for the snacks of course.

    I know you’re not big on the religion and stuff, but many churches offer a mother’s day out type deal. My SIL is going to use one like one or two days a week for a break from her baby (plus she’s the preggers and is prolly tired). My baby is in a Christian Day Care. I figure once she’s old enough to be brainwashed, I’ll move her out and into something else. But for now, they’re clean and cheap(er) than the other places. As a side note, my daughter’s main teacher can’t spell for shit. She’s very good with the kids, but her notes home are just awful.

    I think I win for longest comment ever, BTW.

  4. If it makes you feel better, The Girl drank Scotch once when she was wee. We think she thought it was apple juice in the cup. Interesting thing was she didn’t spit it out or anything…

    Now I’m curious as to what “facilities” your “Facilities Manager” is “managing”…
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Busy Monday =-.

  5. About the vodka thing, I found out it’s totally okay. According to poison control, kids won’t swallow much of something that tastes bad (or at least that’s what they told me on the phone when my 2 year old took a swig off the nail polish remover bottle). That which doesn’t kill them makes them sicker then makes them sleep.

    Care.com looks good and I’m thinking about using it to get out for some weekend fun but you’re totally right about some of the profile pictures. I’m trying to find my 3 year old a care giver not a hot date. Maybe they think moms are looking for surrogate breast feeders.
    .-= Sabreena’s last blog post… Day 3 =-.

  6. camo onesie = awesome!

    also, i remember looking for our first summer-only sitter for my daughter. we wanted a teen or college-aged girl. when “cat” (her real name) came over she had 6 tootsie pops tucked into short shorts and was wearing a half shirt to add focus. my husband never seemed so interested in a sitter’s background before.

    desperate times call for desperate measures. but honestly, she worked out fine and my daughter loved her.
    .-= pattypunker’s last blog post… happiness in a box =-.

  7. I’m totally down w/ the stakeout thing. I’m a total pro. Have you read my note about staking out Maple in the woods? Or that time I had to stake out Sarah Nell as she flew through the woods. The whole neighborhood applauded for that one. I am quite accomplished at hiding behind trees and throwing myself at passing dogs. I’ve never missed one yet so I figure I can throw myself at a person too. Plus I know Krav Maga. Watch out bitches.

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