Lynne and I are going on a stakeout. We spent all day planning it yesterday.
This is what we’re wearing:
Except we got so excited planning it, we forgot why we were going on a stakeout. I doesn’t really matter though because just getting a chance to wear some pretty kick ass outfits is justification in and of itself as far as I’m concerned. And we can hide in the bushes and then, at that critical moment, we can jump out and shout “AH-HA!!!”
That’d be cool.
Also, we’ll bring snacks like Ring-Dings and Twinkies so we have them in case we get hungry because if you leave a stakeout to go do drive through you could miss the thing you’re staking out and then you’re fucked.
Maybe we’ll just pick some random person’s house and just go hide in their bushes. It would be a shame to waste our outfits and delicious snackfoods.
Let’s see…what else did I want to tell you guys?
I’m trying to find a babysitter for Homeslice for one day a week and it’s harder than it seems, you guys.
Remember the scene from Mrs.Doubtfire where Daniel calls Miranda and does all the voices to scare the shit out of her?
That’s EXACTLY what it’s like!
They’re all either
Too religious: One lady gave me her entire religious history and then was just like, “oh, and I love children!” I can’t have her turning Homeslice into a CATHOLIC. “Ev-ry sperm is sa-cred, ev-ry sperm is great, if a sperm is wa-st-ed, God gets quite i-rate” is not my favorite nursery rhyme. NEXT!
Too illiterate: If you don’t know the diff. between your and you’re then ur not smart enough to take care of my kid. Is it too much to ask for some basic literacy skills? Yes. Yes it is.
Too young and stupid: Your profile pic should not be of you making SEXYFACE with your cleavage hanging out. Save that shit for MySpace, kay sweetie? I cannot stress this enough. Also, see above re: your/you’re.
Too foreign: You know how I feel about foreign people, right? Too much yucky white guilt when I have to shout en espanol at my nanny. No GRACIAS!
So maybe I won’t be getting a NEW NANNY like Mrs. Fancypants after all.
I found the perfect lady on a babysitter finder website thingy. She’s 58, has 10 grandchildren, has been foster mother to 14 kids and won Foster Mother of the Year in 2007. I want her! But she’s not getting back to me because obviously she’s also a cunt. I spent $30 to get her email address, the least she could do is tell me to fuck off so I can stop fantasizing about Mrs. Doubtfire babysitting my kid.
THAT’S WHO WE CAN STAKEOUT!
And we can jump out of the bushes at her and hold up Homeslice and shout “why don’t you want to take care of my baby??”
I just remembered who we’re really staking out. We’re supposed to stakeout the Facilities Manager over at Schmuckytown Pubic. She’s got men coming and going all day long and we think she’s running a whorehouse out of the basement. She’s such the type, too.
Homeslice pretty much says “cup” for everything and so Mister thinks we should have taught her “smurf” because it can describe anything and it wouldn’t make people look around for cup when what she really wants is something else entirely. It happens a lot. It’s kind of a problem. Especially when the closest cup contains vodka and you give it to her before you realize.
It only happened twice, SHUT UP SHE’S FINE.
At least with “smurf” it could mean anything and we can keep guessing until we get it right and perhaps not alcohol poison her.
Also, I’ve been trying to sell some baby crap forfuckingever and nobody wants it, so I posted this ad on Craigslist and the only people emailing me are people saying I’m funny and that they’re sorry they don’t want my crap. The least they could do is flag it for “Best Of” because if I can’t sell my baby crap, I could at least become famous on Craigslist. (That was a hint, people. Go forth and do.)
Aaaannnddd it’s a TOY WITH ME DAY! It’s about smurfy smurfs smurfing. Enjoy!
- “Mind If I Play Through?”
- Where the fuck is Mary Poppins when I need her?
- Nobody was maimed, poisoned, or killed. You should look at these pictures or whatever.
- Crissy Doesn’t Need Maury Povitch
- Crissy Disappears From the Internet, Returns Like a Year Later Really Pissed that Her Page Ranking Has Slipped.