My kid is so much cuter than your vacation

Do you hate it when the only facebook updates people give are to let you know they’re out having a life and how fun it is?

What the fuck is that?

Like, don’t they have anything else going on in their lives other than vacations and fabulous dinners out with friends?  Don’t these people ever get pissed they have to do the dishes or…or get hemorrhoids?

I wanna see what’s really going on with my “friends,” not what they want everyone to think their life is like.

It ain’t all Margaritas and beaches and the. most. amazing. sushi! all the fucking time.

I want something truly interesting to happen to them because eventually the sushi is gonna give them The Diarrhea and then what will they have to say?

Absolutely nothing because their lives are nothing but awesome all the time, or so they would have us believe.

Like, wouldn’t it be more fun to read about how they got bloody ‘roids on the beach, and how the blood attracted sharks who ate their legs off  but left their assholes (because  sharks know that if you eat hemorrhoids, you get them), and so now they have a spilled Margarita,  hemorrhoids, and no legs.

That’s the story I wanna hear!

I think I’m going to start leaving updates like that in hopes it will inspire the “ahhhh. surf and sand.  It doesn’t get any better that this!” people to cut the shit.

And if you think I’m jealous of those people, you’re totally wrong.  I’ve already done my self-exploration on that one.  They’re just obnoxious and it makes me stabby to think that they think these updates are interesting to anyone other than themselves.

Oh, and those “pics to come later” that they promised?  I’m not exactly sitting on my computer waiting anxiously for them to post,  so they can take their time on that one.  I might look at them once they’re up, but it’s only to check to see if there’s a tampon string hanging out of the bathing suit.

Have any of you Queefies been truly interested in the details of someone else’s vacation?  Be honest.  I can’t be alone here.

PS: It is not lost on me that I post a myriad of updates on the latest happenings of my children, but they are way, way cuter than your umbrella drink vacation.

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23 comments

  1. also, the reason why people don’t talk about hemorrhoids is because nobody gets hemorrhoids.

    and by nobody i mean half of all people under the age of 50.

    isn’t THAT a pain in the ass?

  2. I seriously love you. Been reading for years but have yet to comment because I’m a stalker like that? (My sister, natballs, has called me out on this though). Anyways, I only look at their pictures to see if they got fat, or that maybe hopefully they just look fat in even one of the pictures. Although most of the time they don’t because whose going to post a fatty picture? Bitches.
    I hate even more when ppl post iphone pictures of the meal they’re about to eat. Like I give a shit.

  3. Also, I may or may not have posted my vacation pictures this morning and may or may not have filtered out the fat ass ones, BUT I didn’t even publish them, which counts for something, right??

  4. I actually like the umbrella drink vacation updates and photos but that is because I haven’t seen the beach in over 6 years and I never take a vacation. The last time I was in a hotel was something like 2004….EARLY 2004. So yea, you should totally feel sorry for me and cry a little bit and then to make your tears go away open your wallet and book some plane tickets to the beach for a family of four and throw in a hotel stay at an all inclusive hotel so we can just enjoy ourselves and I don’t have to worry about crumbs on the kitchen floor and drink circles on the counter tops and vacuuming cat hair on the carpet and scrubbing toilets with pee on the seat.
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… Fodder for the Blog =-.

  5. Funny, because I recently had to hide a few friends who update too many times a day about trying to put their kids down for a nap. Maybe they should make their kids read their own FB updates – that’ll put those kiddos to sleep right away! hahaha.
    .-= Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks’s last blog post… Murder =-.

  6. “because sharks know that if you eat hemorrhoids, you get them” pure gold.

    that’s it i’m posting a pic of ‘rhoid. that oughta bring all the stalkers to my wall.
    .-= pattypunker’s last blog post… fuckit10 =-.

  7. We’ve got pics from the nude beach we went to in FL. It was pretty awesome. Until we realized we had sand in places that sand should not be.

    I don’t go on vacation…mostly cause we’re broke. So I like to look at people’s pics. I feel like I’ve been there too.

  8. I loathe “happy all the time FB updates”. Oh, and those clever philosophical quotes about how you can experience your life better? Those can suck it as well. Angsty, ranty, “fuck the world” updates rock. Please god someone…anyone: admit openly how badly your lives suck too so I’m not sitting here feeling wretched while drooling over your “look at my awesomeness” pics.

    On a side note: I neglected to include a message with my friend request that you somehow haven’t denied yet (I fail at facebook friend requesting). My message should’ve said “I hereby solemnly swear to not ask you to be a Farmville/cafe world/petville/etc neighbor, to avoid posting comments with only ‘lol’ at all costs, and to continue my mission to openly mock the grammatically incorrect and horribly misspelled status updates of the lazy”.

  9. If the pictures are good, I like to look at them, but if they are of a road, or a building they are not interesting, unless they are a great photographer. But then again, I just went on vacation and I was taking a lot of pictures of Buffalo and bears and pools of bubbling water at Yellowstone. I got a great video of a Buffalo walking in the road towards my car. He walked right up to it and walked around our vehicle, in front of a long line of cars. I guess he didn’t want to walk in the trees. I am going to put that up on my Facebook and blog soon. It will probably bore someone.
    .-= Connie T.’s last blog post… Glue =-.

  10. If I could honestly update my facebook profile today .. it would say ” I had to take a sick day today because I stayed up all night fighting with my boyfriend because MY snoring kept him awake. My eyes are too efn puffy to be seen in public and I wish I could run away from home. ”

    But that isn’t very pleasant. My friends would think I was crazy..Which I am a little. I think you have to be.. just a wee bit.

    everyone just wants everyone else to think they are happy and life is perfect. blah blah blah…. has anyone seen my bottle of Zoloft. ?

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