Ask Girlfriend 2.0

For those of us who aren’t yippie-skipping off to BlogHer, here’s an Ask Girlfriend for you.  It’s arguably better than Vaginapalooza.  If you really want, I’ll mail you a laundry soap sample and a cheap vibrator and you can tell everyone you were there and you didn’t even have to spend $150,000 or put pants on.

Dear girlfriend, I have a new boss at work and he doesn’t like how much time we spend on the internet.  how can i get away with reading blogs all day without him noticing?

You should, when you hear his footsteps, you should do what you’re supposed to do. You should fool him. Look on the Internet until he comes in and then stop.

Dear Girlfriend,
My daughter is going to become a big sister for the first time soon, do you have any advice for a big sister to be?

Hmmm…Yes. Do you know what? You should not let the baby pull your hair or climb on the couch. My sister does that and yours will too. You should go everywhere to hide from her because she’s annoying. I’ve been through it and you’ll go through it soon and guess what? You should hide in the basement. And please, please, please find some quite time just for yourself.

Dear Girlfriend- I just had a baby 4 months ago and my husband (her daddy) wants another one already! I keep telling him I’m tired and I think we should wait a while, but he says no. What can I tell him to get him to change his mind?
Sincerely- Tired Mama

Tell him to go play the Wii. That’ll keep him busy.

Dear Girlfriend,
What do you do about a person who chews their gum too loud? Also what about farting?

Hold your nose and cover your ears. That’s what you should do. Or just go outside. It shouldn’t be a problem.

Girlfriend, I would like to stop being mistaken for a child. I am almost 27. How can I look more like a grown up?

Stand on your tippie toes and buy some Romper Stompers. Romper Stompers are big dinosaur feet. Your mom can show you how to use them. You should also get a gumball machine for your birthday.

i’ve got a really good question for her:

how can we make our five year old stop chattering and babbling and yelling all day long?

Give her some salad and take her to the mountains and bring Sassy water–basil, cucumbers, and lemon juice.

I really like to drink wine at the end of a busy day. But one glass turns into three so quickly and then the bottle is gone. Am I consuming too much, what does my liver think?

Mommy in love with Chardonnay

Yes. You drink waaaaayyyy too much. Stop drinking for a little bit. Try to drink some soda or lemonade instead.

Dear Girlfriend,

My son wears a leg brace that covers his entire left leg. His leg broke when he was just 6 months old and he will have to wear a brace until he is about 18 years old. I’m worried about him getting bullied at school or made fun of because of the brace he has to wear. He’s only three and in preschool. Do you think the kids will be nice to him? What are some things we can do to make sure he’s not bullied?

Sincerely,
Worried Mommy

You should bring an extra leg brace for the other kids to try on so they know what it feels like to be him. I think the kids will be nice to him. Also, bring soda.

Dear Girlfriend – Don’t you think Thomas and Toby have a little something going on the side?

Yes.

Please tell Girlfriend she gives excellent advice and that my long hair is just brown, not purple or red. But I may try purple extensions. Next question:

“Girlfriend, I am now scared that I might trip on my long hair and fall while I’m running. But if I stop running, I might get pudgy from lack of exercise. What other kind of exercise should I do?”

She should pretend to run.

I totally need to sell 5,000 copies of my new book so I won’t be a broke-ass
mama anymore and so people will like me (you know, like that lady who wrote
all the Twilight books? Stephanie Whatsherface?).

Have you ever sold anything? If so, how did you get people to buy it? I
mean, I don’t want to sell my panties on Craiglist or anything, because who
would do that? Right?

Sincerely,
Broke-ass Mama

Yes. I have sold nothing before.  Maybe you could have a yard sale in your house.

Dear Girlfriend,

I recently lost my job. I need to have a job so I can have money. But, I really like to make bath fizzies and having a job cuts into my time to make bath fizzies. I don’t make enough money selling bath fizzies to pay my bills. Should I stop spending time on bath fizzies and try to be happy working a real job? Or should I do what I love and be poor?

You rock!

Thank you,

The Bath Fizzie Lady

Um, you should do what you love and don’t be poor. Do not. Work and work and work at your bath fizzies and maybe you’ll be rich. I’ll buy some bath fizzies from you. I have some money in my piggy bank.

What do think is the best way to help mom or dad feel better when they are sick and not feeling well?

Give em’ get well cards and fold the laundry!

I have a young daughter. What kind of fun father things should I do with her? She likes Elmo. She hates Jack in the boxes, as I and the rest of Target discovered today.

Don’t buy a Jack in the Box! Get no Jack in the Boxes!

Similar Posts:

19 comments

  1. Hot Damn! This “Ask Girlfriend” feature is spectacular!

    I especially love the advice to send baby daddy to play the Wii and the advice for the Bath Fizzie Lady.

    Excellent work Girlfriend and Crissy!
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… The Question =-.

  2. “You should go everywhere to hide from her because she’s annoying”

    Hahahaaa! Classic! Thanks for the great advice, Girlfriend! My daughter feels much better prepared for her soon to arrive baby sister.

  3. Dear Girlfriend,

    It’s my birthday today and I want to make sure I am celebrating it well. I am relaxing, playing with Faryn, shopping, and going out to dinner, with cake for dessert of course! Can you think of any other ways to make sure that this birthday is the best ever?

  4. Dear Girlfriend, Thank you for your advice on gum and farts. I hope I don’t get in trouble for going outside every time she farts because I could be outside a LOT. But I will try, thanks.

  5. This has got to be one of the best ideas on the internet! I heard on PBS radio this morning that there was a confirmed source about Thomas and Toby “riding the rail”. Was Girlfriend the source? Hmmmmm.

  6. Thanks for the advice! I will definitely not buy jack in the boxes. On a side note, I think Mister should do a question time. I bet he has all sorts of wisdom for the people.

  7. Wow, Girlfriend, thanks for the advice! I can totally have a yard sale in my house! Then, after I sell all my shit, I will have more room to store those 5,000 books I need to sell.

    Then, I’ll trick people into buying them by saying I’m having another yard sale, but when they show up, all I’ll have for sale is my 5,000 books… and people will totally buy them, because no one likes to leave a yard sale empty-handed, right?
    .-= Christina-Marie Wright’s last blog post… The Bookies Lost Their Shirts AGAIN We Made it Another Year- Mr Wright! =-.

  8. I would like a cheap vibrator and I will also purchase some bath fizzies. Where do I do this? I will do that next week because this weekend, we’re going camping and they don’t have the internet at camping.
    .-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… D-Day or C-Day =-.

  9. GF is amazing and HS is lucky to have her for a big sister (even if HS is annoying all the time). I went to my baby’s day care on Friday for “water day” (they play in a bunch of baby pools – really cute). This one little girl was SO confused that my baby didn’t have a big sister or brother. Perhaps GF can be MY baby’s honorary big sister.

    Question for GF:

    My baby has two first names which seems to confuse people. How do I get them to understand it’s not stupid, but nice to have two first names? Also, thank you for the advice on getting her to sleep by singing, rubbing her back, and telling her to shut up. SHe is doing much better now!

  10. I was origionally going to ask a question about the Lady Gaga concert I’m going to on my birthday, but I just had a feeling that wouldn’t be a good question. So heres my question for Girlfriend.

    Dear Girlfriend,
    I have a friend who recently got her first boyfriend and shes totally being mean about it. She pushes her friends away, and only wants to be with him. She’s cut out all of her friends in her life, and even skips work to see him. She’s also starting to show signs that she’s way to attached to him, but it’s only been a few months since they first started to date. What should I do?

    Sincerely,
    A concerned friend. :[

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *