Ugh! What a weekend we had, Queefies!
Yes, I realize it’s Wednesday and I’m only just now getting around to posting a post, but it takes me a long time to recover from my weekends because they’re so damned intense.
Like, I’ve been sick for about a week now, right? But we had a yard sale on Saturday because I totally kick ass.
We sold a ton of crap, and then we went to a dinner party and then woke up the next morning and went to Ikea to blow our yard sale wad on Ikea Craapp because the yard sale made lots of room and I could actually find stuff without having a mental breakdown and we just can’t have that!
I have to be pissed off most of the time or I’m just not myself.
Can I ask you something about the shopping carts at Ikea?
Are they fucking kidding?
You can just be tootling along admiring the Tysts and the Omtyckts and all of a sudden your cart has decided to take a hard left and there isn’t shit you can do about it! You just have to pray you don’t run into a display full of Svalkas.
Seriously, you have to have a strong core to pilot one of those motherfuckers. And my core is not that strong right now despite all the ab crunching coughing I’ve been doing, so you can imagine all the broken Svalkas I left in my wake.
I haven’t been able to exercise on account of my lungs nearly exploding every time I go up my stairs. It’s been 6 days. I might get stabby if I don’t get my endorphin fix pretty soon. Plus, I feel all flobbery and I’ve already lost all of my muscles. I’m basically obese now. Except somehow I lost five pounds by not working out, which makes no sense, but there you have it.
NEW WEIGHT LOSS TIP: COUGH YOUR ASS OFF.
Unless Mister re-calibrated our scale because he’s sick of hearing me scream “THAT. IS. IT!!!! I am NEVER EATING AGAIN unless it’s x-lax and diet coke!” That is a total possibility that I had not thought of until just now.
NEW WEIGHT LOSS TIP 2.0: RE-CALIBRATE YOUR SCALE
I’m actually scared to exercise because my arm got tired holding my hair dryer yesterday. I had to sit down and rest in the middle of drying my hair. Every time I laugh or try to talk, I cough up a lung chewie.
That’s not too good. I might go to urgent care for antibiotics and an inhaler I won’t use.
This is making Jillian weep right now, I know it. I miss her and she misses me, but what can I do? I’ve caught Death of Cold (and possibly even Monkey Lung) (don’t Google “lung disease.” You’ll scare yourself shitless). (Monkey Lung is wicked scary. You do not want to get Monkey Lung.) (Mostly because I made it up and it would be totally fucked if you caught a pretend disease)
Anyway, I feel like shit, we had a yard sale, went to Ikea, and I made up a disease.