Even when I’m sick, I’m still more productive than you.

Ugh!  What a weekend we had, Queefies!

Yes, I realize it’s Wednesday and I’m only just now getting around to posting a post, but it takes me a long time to recover from my weekends because they’re so damned intense.

Like, I’ve been sick for about a week now, right?  But we had a yard sale on Saturday because I totally kick ass. 

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We sold a ton of crap, and then we went to a dinner party and then woke up the next morning and went to Ikea to blow our yard sale wad on Ikea Craapp because the yard sale made lots of room and I could actually find stuff without having a mental breakdown and we just can’t have that!

I have to be pissed off most of the time or I’m just not myself.

Can I ask you something about the shopping carts at Ikea?

Are they fucking kidding?

You can just be tootling along admiring the Tysts and the Omtyckts and all of a sudden your cart has decided to take a hard left and there isn’t shit you can do about it!  You just have to pray you don’t run into a display full of Svalkas.

Seriously, you have to have a strong core to pilot one of those motherfuckers. And my core is not that strong right now despite all the ab crunching coughing I’ve been doing, so you can imagine all the broken Svalkas I left in my wake.

I haven’t been able to exercise on account of my lungs nearly exploding every time I go up my stairs. It’s been 6 days. I might get stabby if I don’t get my endorphin fix pretty soon. Plus, I feel all flobbery and I’ve already lost all of my muscles. I’m basically obese now. Except somehow I lost five pounds by not working out, which makes no sense, but there you have it.

NEW WEIGHT LOSS TIP: COUGH YOUR ASS OFF.

Unless Mister re-calibrated our scale because he’s sick of hearing me scream “THAT. IS. IT!!!! I am NEVER EATING AGAIN unless it’s x-lax and diet coke!” That is a total possibility that I had not thought of until just now.

NEW WEIGHT LOSS TIP 2.0: RE-CALIBRATE YOUR SCALE

I’m actually scared to exercise because my arm got tired holding my hair dryer yesterday. I had to sit down and rest in the middle of drying my hair. Every time I laugh or try to talk, I cough up a lung chewie.

That’s not too good. I might go to urgent care for antibiotics and an inhaler I won’t use.

This is making Jillian weep right now, I know it. I miss her and she misses me, but what can I do? I’ve caught Death of Cold (and possibly even Monkey Lung) (don’t Google “lung disease.” You’ll scare yourself shitless). (Monkey Lung is wicked scary. You do not want to get Monkey Lung.) (Mostly because I made it up and it would be totally fucked if you caught a pretend disease)

Anyway, I feel like shit, we had a yard sale, went to Ikea, and I made up a disease.

The End.

PS: It’s a Toy with Me today! Let’s Talk About Food and The Sex!
PSS: Tomorrow is Ask Girlfriend day, so make sure you get your questions in!

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17 comments

  1. I’m sick too; we should never have made out that day. Kudos for getting so much done whilest coughing up lung pieces. I laid around all weekend.
    For the record I LOVE the carts at IKEA.

  2. Get the antibiotics. They will make your arm not droopy anymore. Do you think if you were this sick and Jillian were there she’d let you off the hook? No. Because she’s a dirty sweaty whore bitch. She’d be screaming at you to Crissy-up! already. And I don’t think that’s nice.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… Therapy Tuesday =-.

  3. It’s true… you’ve been way more productive than I’ve been and I’m just unemployed, not sick. Plus, I don’t have any kids to take care of.

    Wow! I feel really lazy now.
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… The Question =-.

  4. I spent some quality time with Jillian this morning and I didn’t even die! Not even a little bit! It may turn out that I’m getting better without drugs! YAY ME!!!Fuck you, Monkey Lung! I WIN!!!!

  5. The reason you lost 5 pounds without working out (according to a questionable nutritionist we shall call Dr. Take Yo Money) is because you lost muscle. Muscle weighs more than fat. At least this is what she told my husband 2 years ago after he gained 15 pounds following her program to a T. Maybe that’s why he stopped seeing her shortly after. Maybe it’s because she took 250 every two weeks and couldn’t remember his name during the 5th appointment. Anyway, that’s what she said but, after this rant I don’t know if she is such a reliable source. Feel better!
    .-= Sabreena’s last blog post… Preschool Perspective =-.

  6. muscle DOES weigh more than fat, but not working out for a couple of days doesn’t mean all your progress gets lost..

    i always tell her to go by her clothes sizes instead of weight, since weight has a so much deviation day to day.

    by the way, wife, as far as picking an “unflattering picture,” you may be surprised to note that the same picture just got this very nice comment on flickr:

    “man the lovely wife sure can fill out a pair of jeans! serious milf!”

    and before you think it, no, he’s not a 450lb shut in who lives with his mother.

    😉

  7. lmfao hilarious post, but I do hope you feel better. BTW, i totally googled Monkey lung and it gave me some graphic nude bs about animal sex and i didn’t realize someone before me had googled outdoor sex and well, i know it was a ghost.
    .-= PorkStar’s last blog post… Summer heat and love notes =-.

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