The other day at work I got to meet Edward and Jacob and stupid annoying Bella!

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They stopped by Schmuckytown Pubic because they knew that’s where I’d be.

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Edward was very friendly and he kept telling me he really, really wanted to make out with me but he was afraid I’d hurt him because he heard I’m a pole dancer now and everyone knows they’re fucking badass (you see those bruises on my leg?  That’s how tough I am now.  I’m practically Chuck Norris), and I promised him I’d be gentle, but he remained steadfast in his decision and just stood there making his sexyface.

And then stupid Bella started gettin’ all up in my grill cuz I was touching her man on his naughtypenis and so I kicked her in the face

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and moved on to her other man, Jacob.

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He’s pretty cute, I think.

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He’s more muscle-y than Edward, but I’m still on Team Edward and not so much Team Jacob mostly because vampires make me look tanned and werewolves do not.

See?

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I’m downright exotic.

But even though I touched Edward on his naughtypenis and he was all “I’m in love with you, Crissy!  Bella is an idiot!” I did stop because I honestly cannot understand why anyone would prefer Twilight to True Blood/Southern Vampire Mysteries (unless you’re in 6th grade and your parents won’t let you watch True Blood and then maybe I understand).

I think Eric and I make a better couple.  I’ll take a 1,000 year old Viking GOD who owns a BAR over some silly high school boy and his Volvo any day.

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(Note to Bill Compton: You can have Sookie.  I got this.)