So yesterday Toy with Me emailed me to tell me that I’ve been selected as a finalist in the 2010 BlogHer Voices of the Year humor category for that story I wrote about selling my panties on Craigslist.

Well.

I don’t follow BlogHer too much because I don’t have time to follow anything anymore, not even my own blog.  I don’t know much about the conference because I don’t have $300 for a ticket, never mind leaving my family for a few days to stay in a hotel room with a stranger who may or may not be a total cuntwad.

That is so not my scene.

But everyone is so, so, so into it.  Every summer the Internets are abuzz with excitement over BlogHer, so maybe I should be too?

I wouldn’t have even known I was nominated for anything if Toy with Me hadn’t told me about it. And now I sort of want to go just to see what all the fuss is about, but the tickets are sold out, of course, and have been for months now. Even if I could afford one, I still couldn’t get one. So I contacted them yesterday (I had to sign up for an account so I could do that) and told them it’s me, THE QUEEN OF EVERYTHING (except BlogHer tickets) and I said they need to send me a ticket so I can come accept my award and give my big speech and everything and do you know what they told me?

Either I can try to buy a ticket from someone who doesn’t want theirs anymore, or I can take this one volunteer spot that just opened up. In other words, I’d have to work for two days to earn my ticket.

Can I ask you something, Queefies?

Did Kate Winslet have to volunteer at the Academy Awards?

Did we see her selling popcorn in the lobby or handing out paper towels in the ladies room?

Nay, nay.

We did not!

SO WHY DOES THE QUEEN HAVE TO WORK FOR HER TICKET?

I’m calling SHENANIGANS! on that and so in protest, I’m not going.  Instead, I’m sending Kathy Griffin  to accept the award on my behalf.  They can just show my picture on the screen and that’ll be fine.  And if there’s some stroke of incredible fucktardery on BlogHer’s behalf and I am robbed of my Humor Voice of the Year title, she’ll stand up, chuck double birds at all of BlogHer and tell everyone to suck her dick, just like I would do if I were there.

I’m just going to have to be happy with that because I just don’t have the time, money, or the energy for anything else.

PS: Our friend Dingo is also a finalist. Go hug her,slap her on the ass, and shout “WELL DONE!  WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!” at her.  She’ll like that.

Apparently, the lovers have had a falling out because Frank was in the garden, Alice’s garden, where she enjoys a delicious salad buffet herself, and he was there gankin’ her vittles and so she BIT THE BASTARD! He jumped up in the air and bit her back but she still got in a couple of more bites before the little garden fucker ran under the fence.

It was glorious, and he didn’t even break the skin.

GO ALICE!!!!!!!!

Does anyone have a Rottweiler I can borrow to finish him off? I figure it’s not really killing if your borrowed dog does it. That’s completely fine with Buddha, right?

Anyways, I’m looking for a killing machine to borrow for a day or two. You can email me if you have one.

And now I shall announce the winners of the Vajazzle Haiku/Limerick contest!

Ya-ta-da-da!!!!

They are in no particular order as they were equally fabulous:

Axe:
There was a young lady named Gidget
Who put sparkles all over her twidget.
There was so much dazzle
When she did her Vajazzle
That she blinded a horney young midget!

Melissa:
I yearn for a twidget that gleams
Shiny crotch would fulfill hubby’s dreams
Save money on blow
Escalade cunts won’t know
That my FUPA’s much more than it seems!

Plain. Bare. So boring.
Vagazzle! Shine like Cullen.
Happy Pants for all

Christian:
On manjazzling…

The dentist looked at me odd
I thought to myself “Oh god,
how do I explain
the reason for my pain
is I chipped my tooth on his rod?”

Bat Cave Twidget:

There is a girl from New York
Who all day long wanted to pork
But three years it had been without carnal sin
So please Vajazzle this dork.

Yeah, that’s the best I got. Even I can smell the desperation

The Problem Child:

If you want to vajazzle your stuff
A waxing, to lessen the muff
Might well be in order
Else ‘jazzling might border
On just a bit more than enough.

Y’all need to email me with your info so I can mail you the sparkly bits.

But really, it was hard to choose because everyone did a wonderful job and I’m really, very proud of you all for giving it a try. Writing is hard, yo. That’s why they pay me the big bucks.

wait.

PS: Toy with Me today! It’s all about how I don’t understand Casual Sex. Because I don’t.

****** Fuck Buddies & Booty Calls ******

Since Sunday, our computer died so thoroughly that even Mister cannot resurrect it (I’m at work right now, fyi), I have had Lady Days for approximately 8 days, Mister and I were both stung by bees, I have a weird monkey flu that makes my throat/chest/tummy/lower back area so tight and painful I can barely breathe, plus I have a fever that makes me snuggle under my blankets on a 90 degree day with no air conditioning.

And now today, I have an itchy rash where my bee sting was, Mister’s bee stung foot is all Frankensteinish and swollen but the dude at Urgent Care said there’s not much he can do about it, I’m still sick and now my ear and throat hurt, Girlfriend has a fever, AND MOTHERFUCKING FRANK ATE MY FUCKING VEGETABLE GARDEN.

The little jerk was actually in there when I went to dump my compost into the bin this morning and I was all “GET OUT!” and the bold motherfucker just stood up in his back legs, looked at me, and kept eating my broccoli!
Can.
You.
Imagine?
And so again I hissed “Fuck! Off! FRANK!” and off he did not fuck! He just stood there looking at me like “yeah? What are you gonna do about it, lady?”

So you know what I did about it, you guys?

That’s right!

I SHOOK A STICK AT HIM!

He finally scurried away and I was able to survey the damage he did to the tender vegetables I have been nursing from seed since MARCH!

He took all my broccoli, cauliflower, basil, cilantro, romaine lettuce, and sunflowers.

And all I can think about is how badly I want some orange nail polish.

Sorry.  I’m not dead.  I’m…I don’t know what I am, actually, but I’m at least alive enough to tell you about an awesomesauce contest I’m having!

Because of this picture:

the people over at Vajazzling.com have sent me 5 DIY VAJAZZLING KITS!!!! to give away to you fine people!  I am sorry, however, to report that none of them say “JUICY” on them.  But there are star bursts and butterflies and some sort of supernova thing and WHO DOESN’T WANT A SUPERNOVA on her twidget?

Nobody doesn’t want a supernova on her twidget, that’s who. It’s just like, whoa. Impressive.

Also, I don’t understand why these things are just for girls, so I’m opening this contest up to the fellas, because fuck it.  We need all the participants we can get, amiright?

Vajazzling: not just for pussies anymore.  It’s for dicks now too. You heard it here first.

So, what you have to do to win one of these fine DIY Vajazzling kits is write a wonderful Haiku about Vajazzling. It can be funny, or touching, or sweet, or emo or whatever. I don’t care. I just have to think it’s deserving of recognition. Just remember that I’m educated in the ways of the poem, so no pressure but I know what I’m looking at. I guess the boys can write about Manjazzling because it doesn’t make sense for them to write about Vajazzling when they’re really going to Manjazzle, right? Unless they’re trying to win the kit for a lady friend. Then they can write about Vajazzling and it’s okay.

Are you still with me?

So do yourself a solid and sit down with your pencil and your paper and write me a Vajazzling/Manjazzling Haiku and hopefully, by this time next week, your crotch will be a hell of a lot sparklier because right now, if we’re all being honest here, it’s not that pretty.

You have one week. Winners announced next Wednesday! And don’t worry. You have almost zero competition because the Internet has all but dried up and died.

HAIKU!
Or a limerick!
I just decided you can do that too.
Haiku or Limerick, or both if you want.
You choose.

GO!

PS: It’s a Toy with Me day! Sex Toy Parties–Lessons in Humiliation