Dear Girlfriend,

How do you keep your girlish figure and what do you recommend for me to do the same?

Kid’s yoga.  You should do that. And eat healthy food like a carrot once in a while and only have one cookie.  That will keep you fit and trim and dazzling.

Dear Girlfriend,

What makes Alice get diarrhea?

Worms in her throat. And coffee. Sometimes that gives my mom diarrhea too.

Dear Girlfriend,

I am not a good money manager. What should I do to save lots of dough for a fabulous trip to Hawaii?

Sincerely,

Pisses her money away

Don’t go anywhere right now because you’ll lose more money.  You should wait until you get to the airport and only give them some of your money and tell them you only want to go to Hawaii. You don’t want any of the other stuff.

Dear Girlfriend,
How do you get a boy to like you and want to marry you?

You have to love him and give him presents.  Very good presents.  But not a Wii or anything, okay? The Wii will make his brain fall asleep and it’s not good for him.  Also, it helps him not do the dishes.

Dear Girlfriend,
Why doesn’t my baby sleep better at night? How did you get your sister to sleep long enough that Mommy doesn’t pull her hair out and want to kick kittens?
Love,
Tired all the time

I rub my sister’s back and I sing a song to her.  When that doesn’t work I tell her to shut up. You shouldn’t kick kittens.

Dear Girlfriend,
I’ve been really busy lately and I think my stuffed animals are getting
lonely. All day long they sit up on the shelf waiting for me to come
home and play with them but I’ve got lots to do! What is the best way
to keep my stuffed buddies entertained and keep them from getting all
dusty when I don’t have time for them?

Also, what would you think of some purple streaks in my hair?

Busy in Gastonia

You should stay upstairs and not do what your mother says.  Don’t go to work if you don’t want to leave them. You should buy purple extensions and only put them on your hair sometimes. That’s what I do and it’s perfectly fine.

Dear Girlfriend,

How do you react when Mom embarrasses you in front of your friends? How do you get Mom to stop?

I always walk away and sometimes I flick a balloon in her face and sometimes I make a huge mess in the dining room.

Dear girlfriend: How do you suggest I do mischief at work and not get in trouble for it?

You should do all your work and not stop and walk right past your boss like nothing’s wrong. You should put on a disguise. Get new clothes and dress up like a girl when you do bad stuff and put on fancy shoes and make nobody see you.

Here’s my question for Girlfriend: I have my HS reunion this weekend and it’s at some swanky bar and the dress code is “cocktail”. I don’t have an LBD so WHAT DO I WEAR???

Um. You should buy one or you could borrow one from your mom! How old are you? Did you grow up with any money? You should wear a jewelry dress that has jewels all over like beads and other stuff or like a sunshine made out of yellow beads or orange beads because sometimes the sun looks orange. I don’t know what you’d do if it rains. Maybe you should just go to the zoo with your friends from school instead. Then you should get some strawberries from the grocery store and make a strawberry milkshake.

My question for girlfriend: My 4 year old son is starting preschool for the first time next month, any advice for his first day of school? What should he do to make friends?

He should bring everyone a present. And only go outside to play when the teacher says you can. Anyway when I started preschool I was kind of nervous. I had my own backpack and my own cubby. I made friends by playing all by myself and I was really jazzy, and so other kids joined in so they could be jazzy too. I was in the boat outside. I was having very much fun. And then Christiana came over and played with me. And then some other kids. I made friends very quickly and so will that little boy. Say “good luck little boy. Stay calm and play by yourself until somebody joins in. That’s what to do.”

Dear Girlfriend,
I have long hair, long enough so that I can sit on it, but my boyfriend says he likes it when girls have short flippy hair. Should I cut off my beautiful long hair so he’ll like it better?

Sincerely,
Rapunzel’s Evil Twin (who, frankly, has been stewing over that comment for days and days because first of all it’s been five years and NOW you’re gonna make comments and if we’re speaking of hair let’s talk about your ass! and really if we’re cutting anything off around here it’s gonna be your balls mister. whew. okay, /rant. But I’d still like to hear what Girlfriend has to say.)

You should only cut it a little bit. Just do one huge trim. It’ll grow back, I promise. It’s too long anyway because you could trip and fall on it if you’re running. I wouldn’t cut mine because it’s not too long. It can get in your face when it’s too long. Or she can put it in 27 pony tails. What color is her hair, anyway? I hope she doesn’t say purple or red.

Keep your questions coming, she loved it!  How often does a 5 year-old get to tell a bunch of grownups what to do?

MORE QUESTIONS!

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