Well, I finally went to her Jazzercise class because Pole Dancing is over now, thank Jesus, and you know what?
It’s completely gay and I love it because gay is fun. I grapevined and chassed, arabesqued and some other stuff I forgot the name of, but it was fun and I may have caught a little bit of The Gay because I wanted to touch Lynne’s sweaty bum the whole time.
And after class, the teacher said I “looked great out there” and can I just tell you how good that felt? Because I got nary a word of encouragement from the pole dancing teacher, and I’m the kind of student who will bust her head open just for a “well done! Excellent head busting open!” because I’m a nerd like that. When I don’t get my teacher approval, I’m a sad kitten.
(Do yourself a solid and never, ever search Google images for “sad kitten.” You’ll want to kill yourself. Twice.)
Anyway, during our last class, and this is totally my fault because I’m an asshole for moisturizing before class which is the #1 thing you DO NOT do before pole dancing class, she kept looking back and saying “after 6 weeks of class you SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO THIS!” and I wanted to shout ” But I CAN! I CAN DO IT!” but I didn’t. I was too embarrassed to admit that I broke rule #1 and that I was just too slippery to do any of the moves. Every time I tried to jump up and hold myself on the pole, I’d just go “ssssssswwwwwwwwwwwweeeee” right down.
That pole is ruined forever now.
It’s been Crissy’d.
It’s forever going to be known as “the bad pole” because I don’t think they’ll ever get the lotion off of it. I thought of switching poles, but I didn’t want to ruin all of them, so I chose to sort of stand there and look like a dink and not get the teacher’s approval I so desperately wanted.
But then Jazzercise Lady gave me the thumbs up and I was happy.
So I’m going to take Jazzercise classes, I think.
I still want tap shoes so badly it hurts, you guys.
Lynne won’t go to tap class with me because she say’s it’s stupid. Maybe I can go with Girlfriend. She doesn’t think it’s stupid.
Yes she does.
I don’t care what anybody says. Tap is cool. There were almost fisticuffs yesterday at work between Lynne and me because she just won’t admit that tap is completely awesome.
I fully intend to prove how wrong she is as soon as I find an adult beginner’s tap class which is very difficult to do for some reason. It must be that the Awesomeness Of Tap is intimidating for some people.
PS: This week on the Toy with Mes I have a bunch of random news/wtf? products for you! Random Awesome Stuff in My Inbox
PSS: Starting tomorrow, we will test out a little idea I had. Girlfriend is going to have an advice column called “Ask Girlfriend” where you write to her with your non-drug/gambling/hooker problems, and she gives you her advice. I don’t know if this will work or not, but we’ll give it a whirl. I just need your questions or this bus ain’t goin’ nowhere.
- You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!
- I’ll Kill You Twice, Bitch
- Jesus Tap Dancing Christ
- It’s my birthday today! EW!
- If You’re Good At Sports, Crissy Hates You.