So yesterday Toy with Me emailed me to tell me that I’ve been selected as a finalist in the 2010 BlogHer Voices of the Year humor category for that story I wrote about selling my panties on Craigslist.
I don’t follow BlogHer too much because I don’t have time to follow anything anymore, not even my own blog. I don’t know much about the conference because I don’t have $300 for a ticket, never mind leaving my family for a few days to stay in a hotel room with a stranger who may or may not be a total cuntwad.
That is so not my scene.
But everyone is so, so, so into it. Every summer the Internets are abuzz with excitement over BlogHer, so maybe I should be too?
I wouldn’t have even known I was nominated for anything if Toy with Me hadn’t told me about it. And now I sort of want to go just to see what all the fuss is about, but the tickets are sold out, of course, and have been for months now. Even if I could afford one, I still couldn’t get one. So I contacted them yesterday (I had to sign up for an account so I could do that) and told them it’s me, THE QUEEN OF EVERYTHING (except BlogHer tickets) and I said they need to send me a ticket so I can come accept my award and give my big speech and everything and do you know what they told me?
Either I can try to buy a ticket from someone who doesn’t want theirs anymore, or I can take this one volunteer spot that just opened up. In other words, I’d have to work for two days to earn my ticket.
Can I ask you something, Queefies?
Did Kate Winslet have to volunteer at the Academy Awards?
Did we see her selling popcorn in the lobby or handing out paper towels in the ladies room?
We did not!
SO WHY DOES THE QUEEN HAVE TO WORK FOR HER TICKET?
I’m calling SHENANIGANS! on that and so in protest, I’m not going. Instead, I’m sending Kathy Griffin to accept the award on my behalf. They can just show my picture on the screen and that’ll be fine. And if there’s some stroke of incredible fucktardery on BlogHer’s behalf and I am robbed of my Humor Voice of the Year title, she’ll stand up, chuck double birds at all of BlogHer and tell everyone to suck her dick, just like I would do if I were there.
I’m just going to have to be happy with that because I just don’t have the time, money, or the energy for anything else.
PS: Our friend Dingo is also a finalist. Go hug her,slap her on the ass, and shout “WELL DONE! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!” at her. She’ll like that.