I, am a finalist.

So yesterday Toy with Me emailed me to tell me that I’ve been selected as a finalist in the 2010 BlogHer Voices of the Year humor category for that story I wrote about selling my panties on Craigslist.


I don’t follow BlogHer too much because I don’t have time to follow anything anymore, not even my own blog.  I don’t know much about the conference because I don’t have $300 for a ticket, never mind leaving my family for a few days to stay in a hotel room with a stranger who may or may not be a total cuntwad.

That is so not my scene.

But everyone is so, so, so into it.  Every summer the Internets are abuzz with excitement over BlogHer, so maybe I should be too?

I wouldn’t have even known I was nominated for anything if Toy with Me hadn’t told me about it. And now I sort of want to go just to see what all the fuss is about, but the tickets are sold out, of course, and have been for months now. Even if I could afford one, I still couldn’t get one. So I contacted them yesterday (I had to sign up for an account so I could do that) and told them it’s me, THE QUEEN OF EVERYTHING (except BlogHer tickets) and I said they need to send me a ticket so I can come accept my award and give my big speech and everything and do you know what they told me?

Either I can try to buy a ticket from someone who doesn’t want theirs anymore, or I can take this one volunteer spot that just opened up. In other words, I’d have to work for two days to earn my ticket.

Can I ask you something, Queefies?

Did Kate Winslet have to volunteer at the Academy Awards?

Did we see her selling popcorn in the lobby or handing out paper towels in the ladies room?

Nay, nay.

We did not!


I’m calling SHENANIGANS! on that and so in protest, I’m not going.  Instead, I’m sending Kathy Griffin  to accept the award on my behalf.  They can just show my picture on the screen and that’ll be fine.  And if there’s some stroke of incredible fucktardery on BlogHer’s behalf and I am robbed of my Humor Voice of the Year title, she’ll stand up, chuck double birds at all of BlogHer and tell everyone to suck her dick, just like I would do if I were there.

I’m just going to have to be happy with that because I just don’t have the time, money, or the energy for anything else.

PS: Our friend Dingo is also a finalist. Go hug her,slap her on the ass, and shout “WELL DONE!  WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!” at her.  She’ll like that.

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  1. i am not surprised you were nominated. and no, i had NOTHING to do with it.

    if you do end up winning (which i think you should, but i am admittedly biased) i think you have to send mr. panty sniffer a complimentary pair.

    i’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate you on being the most beautiful, pole-dancing, sex-toy-reviewing, girl-who-makes-me-laugh-daily, mother-of-two, finalist.

    not only that, but who else can also perform a world-class surra de bunda??


  2. I loved the ‘selling your panties on Craig’s list ‘ story. I would like to say I have paid off my car after 3 months of selling my dirty panties. BUT.. I keep forgetting I want to do that I keep washing my freaking underwear !! But thank you for the fabulous idea.

  3. I’m pretty sure you should go and just crash the place….sort of like the White House Crashers….if lay people can get into the white house…with all its security and stuff….YOU…..Queen, can get yourself into BlogHer………..Come on! Crash it!!!!
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… Friday Fragments The Long Edition =-.

  4. KEN!!! Before Fancyhats, I used to pretend in my mind that Ken was my husband too. Because he’s so awesome!

    BlogHer. Why are they using your stuff if they can’t give you a ticket, you know? I mean they want you to drive traffic to their site, but they can’t comp you in for a day. That’s crap.
    .-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… I am Old =-.

  5. I call bullshit. If they want to give you an award, they need to make it easy for you to accept it. I’m with Rebecca above – party crash – they can’t mess with the Queen of Fucking Everything!!!

  6. I dunno… everyone who goes to BlogHer makes like it isn’t, but I can’t help but view BlogHer as sortve the “CountryClub” of blogging. You know, like that school that you tried to enroll Girlfriend in and they were too… I don’t know…. too “something” (EPC?) to adore her.

    I really like some of the bloggers I read who are rabid BlogHer folks but I just end up feeling like me and my “35 follower” blog would not feel like I belonged there.

    I’d honestly go to BlogHer if I knew I could hang with The Bloggess… but, I have a better chance of just driving around where I think she lives and “accidentally “bumping into her at the local “Scorpion B Gone” Bait shop and Exterminators.

    In short (which I realize isn’t short anymore) I am conflicted & confused in regards to BlogHer and now I need a drink.
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… I wish I wasnt so easily distracOOOH! SHINY! =-.

  7. Congratulations, Crissy. I agree that they don’t deserve to have your Majestic Presence at the conference if they’re not going to teleport you there, or at least send a pumpkin coach wih white horses, or something. I dunno, sounds like no big whoop to me, as someone who has attended a conference or two. I’m sure you’re not missing that good a time, esp. not as befits the Queen.

  8. after a good friend of ours told us about attending last year, i really don’t have any interest.

    it seems to have totally left behind its original sense of grassroots community and replaced it with the empty calories of commercial consumerism.

    $300 tickets? what is this, a fucking front row seat at a rolling stones show?

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