Alice bit Frank today! The Vajazzling Haiku Winners Announced! And a Toy With Me Day! There’s A Lot Going On Here Today, Obviously. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, I understand.

Apparently, the lovers have had a falling out because Frank was in the garden, Alice’s garden, where she enjoys a delicious salad buffet herself, and he was there gankin’ her vittles and so she BIT THE BASTARD! He jumped up in the air and bit her back but she still got in a couple of more bites before the little garden fucker ran under the fence.

It was glorious, and he didn’t even break the skin.

GO ALICE!!!!!!!!

Does anyone have a Rottweiler I can borrow to finish him off? I figure it’s not really killing if your borrowed dog does it. That’s completely fine with Buddha, right?

Anyways, I’m looking for a killing machine to borrow for a day or two. You can email me if you have one.

And now I shall announce the winners of the Vajazzle Haiku/Limerick contest!


They are in no particular order as they were equally fabulous:

There was a young lady named Gidget
Who put sparkles all over her twidget.
There was so much dazzle
When she did her Vajazzle
That she blinded a horney young midget!

I yearn for a twidget that gleams
Shiny crotch would fulfill hubby’s dreams
Save money on blow
Escalade cunts won’t know
That my FUPA’s much more than it seems!

Plain. Bare. So boring.
Vagazzle! Shine like Cullen.
Happy Pants for all

On manjazzling…

The dentist looked at me odd
I thought to myself “Oh god,
how do I explain
the reason for my pain
is I chipped my tooth on his rod?”

Bat Cave Twidget:

There is a girl from New York
Who all day long wanted to pork
But three years it had been without carnal sin
So please Vajazzle this dork.

Yeah, that’s the best I got. Even I can smell the desperation

The Problem Child:

If you want to vajazzle your stuff
A waxing, to lessen the muff
Might well be in order
Else ‘jazzling might border
On just a bit more than enough.

Y’all need to email me with your info so I can mail you the sparkly bits.

But really, it was hard to choose because everyone did a wonderful job and I’m really, very proud of you all for giving it a try. Writing is hard, yo. That’s why they pay me the big bucks.


PS: Toy with Me today! It’s all about how I don’t understand Casual Sex. Because I don’t.

****** Fuck Buddies & Booty Calls ******

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  1. i’m happy alice gave that bastard a good scare.

    i’m going to look for some coyote piss.

    also, i am disappointed i was deemed ineligible to win the DIY vajazzle kit. so much for my disco balls.

  2. Oh I didn’t win anything but Ian here trying to imagine how u look when u got fever does u face get red ? Oh that’s cute well I hope u get well soon and you too Mister best regards

  3. I dunno what happened yesterday….I woke up this morning and feel like I lost a day somewhere! Today should be yesterday.

    Congrats to the winners. I tried to come up with something, but lack of sleep has killed my creativity. That and trying to keep the other half from poking me in my sleep. He wants another baby.

    You can borrow my dogs Crissy! They like to get rid of critters. They did away with a possum that kept pulling our garbage out all over the yard.

  4. I went straight to Toy with Me Yesterday. But OMG I’m so excited!!! I found a 4 leaf clover the other day and it must be working. that’s what they do right? help you sparkle your crotch? I’m also almost equally excited about Alice biting that fucker! I hope she got him good!
    .-= Melissa’s last blog post… Sunday Snippets a day late! =-.

  5. I’d have Haiku’d this but making princess shiny? She’s so tired helping my butt sit around in a chair all day that she just wants peace and quiet.

  6. Belated congratulations to all! See, the fine art of poetry is not dead, it has just been perverted.

  7. I won! I won! I won! I know it’s only because of the not making biscuits for 3 years thing and you feel horribly bad for me!!!!
    Axe’s was the funniest by far!
    Listen, we can use my fed ex acct to overnight the kit to me so I’m ready to go for August Booty Call man.

  8. Oh & Crissy? No fear, the crew is on the way. Barney, Morgan, Maple, Nutmeg and Josie all kill small, furry things on a daily basis. Nutmeg eats the small & furries but the others prefer to sneak them inside and leave them under my bed. And by Small & Furry I mean cat sized dead things.

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