So, yes.

Since Sunday, our computer died so thoroughly that even Mister cannot resurrect it (I’m at work right now, fyi), I have had Lady Days for approximately 8 days, Mister and I were both stung by bees, I have a weird monkey flu that makes my throat/chest/tummy/lower back area so tight and painful I can barely breathe, plus I have a fever that makes me snuggle under my blankets on a 90 degree day with no air conditioning.

And now today, I have an itchy rash where my bee sting was, Mister’s bee stung foot is all Frankensteinish and swollen but the dude at Urgent Care said there’s not much he can do about it, I’m still sick and now my ear and throat hurt, Girlfriend has a fever, AND MOTHERFUCKING FRANK ATE MY FUCKING VEGETABLE GARDEN.

The little jerk was actually in there when I went to dump my compost into the bin this morning and I was all “GET OUT!” and the bold motherfucker just stood up in his back legs, looked at me, and kept eating my broccoli!
Can.
You.
Imagine?
And so again I hissed “Fuck! Off! FRANK!” and off he did not fuck! He just stood there looking at me like “yeah? What are you gonna do about it, lady?”

So you know what I did about it, you guys?

That’s right!

I SHOOK A STICK AT HIM!

He finally scurried away and I was able to survey the damage he did to the tender vegetables I have been nursing from seed since MARCH!

He took all my broccoli, cauliflower, basil, cilantro, romaine lettuce, and sunflowers.

And all I can think about is how badly I want some orange nail polish.

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17 comments

  1. ok, so i’m going to get some huge rat traps and make that motherfucker bleed to death through the holes made by his fractured bones as they break the skin.

    then i’m going to impale the carcass on a sharp stick and post it at the entrance of the garden, as a warning to all the other thieves.

    it’s time to get medieval.

  2. That little fucker. I bet you he sicced the bees on you and Mister and gave you the monkey flu. I’m with Joe – Frank stew should set things right.

    Really hope you all feel better soon.

  3. You have to stop being such a bleeding heart and finally put some lead in his ass.I can take care of him for you. Just sayin’. And, benadryl will be Mister’s best bet.

  4. Oh I’m sorry that u and ur husband are not well I hope u get well soon and yes I have a snake I can send u really he will guard your lawn and eat him but I must inform you he’s ugly looking regards madam

  5. “and off he did not fuck…”

    That, right there, made my day (the phrase, not the fact that the asshole Frank did not fuckoff!)

    And for the reader who wondered about who Frank is… Frank is a varmint. Like a woodchuck or some shiz. Who Crissy’s dog, Alice, may or may not be in cahoots with. Frank has been the bane of Crissy’s Garden for a long while. Frank needs to go over to the white trash neighbors to grub, methinks.
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Sunday Stealing =-.

  6. What kind of fencing do you have around your sweet & tender veggies? We can keep Frank out you know.

  7. today i am skipping lunch and heading to home depot to buy some metal chicken wire.

    i am thinking of electrifying it with a spare neon sign transformer i have.

    22,000 motherfucking volts anybody?

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