So, um, haiii!
I forgot I had a blog because I’ve had my head up my ass.
I know you’ve been dying to see/hear all about The Birthday Extravaganza, and so here is my back yard full of people gettin’ a little bit tipsy:
Well, I was tipsy anyway. I didn’t really notice if anybody else was because when you’re tipsy, you don’t give a shit.
And here I am serving cake(s). I made them myself from a boxed mix and so they weren’t dense or flat or lopsided or condemned or anything except that when I lit the candles on Girlfriend’s horse cake, I accidentally I lit the plastic horse’s head on fire and so Mister came flying from across the room yelling “the horse is on fire! the horse is on fire!”
You should never do that Queefies or else you could have a stampede much like this one.
Horse sounds a lot like House. People could get confused. It could end in tragedy.
Other than that I didn’t see the big deal about the flaming horse because it just looked like it was a candle instead of a plastic toy I bought over at the Dollar Depot, but whatever.
He worries when I’m around fire.
Anyway, me cutting cakes. That plant looking thing that William is about to stuff his face into is really dirt dessert. It’s cute and I served it with a garden shovel because I’m extraordinarily creative.
Some women are drippin’ with diamonds, some women are drippin in pearls, lu-cky me, lu-cky me, look at what I’m drippin’ with, LITTLE GIRLS! (and two boys)
Here’s Girlfriend’s posse.
And the next day we took Homeslice for her first carousel ride:
This is Girlfriend on her first ride:
Do they look alike? I can’t really tell except sometimes I forget their names and sometimes I call one of them Alice. I only thought it was my grandmother that did that. I hope I don’t turn into her. Toward the end there, she got naked a lot and wandered around the house like that. She looked like a peach with nipples.
I hope that doesn’t happen to me.
Remember how I don’t like things that spin too fast like my washing machine or pinwheels or any kind of spinny thing?
Do I need to remind you of The Storyland Turtle Ride Incident of 2008?
I didn’t think so.
Well I went on the carousel and I was glad I was there to comfort Homeslice because she was afeared of it because as it turns out, the Slater Park carousel is too fast for babies.
I had to comfort her the whole ride. I almost threw up from the strain of it, but I stayed strong for my daughter because I’m an excellent mother.
And the next day we loaded the cherubs up into the wagon and took them to what turned out to be the lamest parade in the history of lame parades. And that’s saying something Queefies because parades are pretty lame by virtue of their very existence. But it’s what you do when you have kids and there’s a parade going through your neighborhood. You pack trail mix and fish crackers and water and you sit there on the side of the street with all the other assholes and you pay $8 for a Hello Kitty balloon that winds up stuck in a tree approximately .05 minutes after you purchased it and so you spend the rest of the parade listening to The Crying.
This guy was the coolest thing about the parade.
I know. I also got to shake hands with the mayor of Providence. He said Homeslice is gorgeous and he should know because he’s A GAY and everyone knows they know all about beauty.
Homeslice was so bored she fell asleep. Of course, she’s not sleeping in this picture, but just imagine that her eyes are closed and there you go.
That kid in the background looks pissed, right? That’s because it was her Hello Kitty balloon that got caught in the tree. I bet you thought it was Girlfriend’s but I fooled you. I was smart and I went to Target and bought flags and pinwheels from the dollar bins and handed them out to Girlfriend, Homeslice, and Alena at the parade because I’m smarter than many parade goers.
And this was me last Memorial day weekend, also taken at the carousel:
Remember that bullshit? I almost exploded, I swear to Jesus.
And that brings us very nicely into TODAY is Homeslice’s birthday!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOMESLICE!!!
Can you guys believe it’s been a year since I talked and talked to you about my cervix? Don’t you miss that?
OMG and today is a Toy with Me day! Dangerous Places to have The Sex
This post is overwhelming. I need a nap.