Yesterday, in our hungover stupor, we noticed that Homeslice had climbed into the laundry basket.  It was so adorable, and while we were standing there going “look how cute!”  the basket flipped over and she landed right on her face.

Not. cute.

And there was blood and crying and drama and now she has a super fat lip.

And a pediatrician appointment this morning.

There’s a bruise on her leg I cannot explain, she’s got scratches all over her from scratching her itchy eczema, and she had a slight fever last night before bed.

Basically, Homeslice is a hot mess and it looks like we keep her in a bramble patch down by the river.

Also, it’s Girlfriend’s last day of preschool today.  I can’t really think about it without crying, and I have pictures from graduation that I can’t show you yet but I will just as soon as they become available.

For now, I have to go do workouts before these bitches wake the fuck up and demand I take care of them, which I’m not that good at as it turns out.

I gained 5lbs last week!  You have to work pretty hard to gain 5 lbs in a week.

Woot! Woot! I RULE!

Today is an epic suckfest.

I have a dentist appointment.

I HATE the dentist.  I’m not scared of the dentist or anything,  I just hate it because it’s a pain in the ass and because I don’t like people touching me especially on my face area.

And just to make it more of a pain in the ass, I have to bring both kids with me.

Would any of you Queefies mind telling me how in the name of what the Jesus I’m going to keep Homeslice from making out with that mouth sucker outer thing whilst I’m getting my teeth cleaned?  She’s an octopus. She squirms and struggles and crawls and oh shit this is so, so, so, so  not good.  I’m going to end up buying a mouth sucker outer thing before it’s over, I can already tell.

Also, I feel like total shit today.  I’m not sick, I’ve got a god damned hangover.

There was a party.  There was Tequila.  What was I supposed to do?

And then I have to go to work all night.

If any of you stalkers are planning to kill me, now would be a good time.  Preferably before the dentist.  Seriously,  just go for it.

PS: Working at night is totally kicking my ass.  I hate life about 90% of the time because of it.  I can’t do it anymore and so DOES ANYBODY WANT ME TO WRITE SOME WORDS ON THE INTERNETS FOR THEM?  PLEASE?

PSS:  Do you ever have one of those nights where you’re just like “I’m not going to drink at the party because I have way too much functioning to do tomorrow.”  And then as soon as you walk into the party someone says, “hey, you want a drink?” and suddenly you’re all “FUCK YEAH!” and then you wind up drinking like an asshole?

PSSS: Don’t you hate it when you do that?

PSSSS: Do you do that too or am I the only stupid douchebag here today?

PSSSSS:I find it hard to believe that I’m the only stupid douchebag here.

So, um,  haiii!

I forgot I had a blog because I’ve had my head up my ass.

I know you’ve been dying to see/hear all about The Birthday Extravaganza, and so here is my back yard full of people gettin’ a little bit tipsy:


Well, I was tipsy anyway.  I didn’t really notice if anybody else was because when you’re tipsy, you don’t give a shit.

And here I am serving cake(s). I made them myself from a boxed mix and so they weren’t dense or flat or lopsided or condemned or anything except that when I lit the candles on Girlfriend’s horse cake, I accidentally I lit the plastic horse’s head on fire and so Mister came flying from across the room yelling “the horse is on fire! the horse is on fire!”

You should never do that Queefies or else you could have a stampede much like this one.

Horse sounds a lot like House.  People could get confused.  It could end in tragedy.

Other than that I didn’t see the big deal about the flaming horse because it just looked like it was a candle instead of a plastic toy I bought over at the Dollar Depot, but whatever.

He worries when I’m around fire.

Anyway, me cutting cakes.  That plant looking thing that William is about to stuff his face into is really dirt dessert.  It’s cute and I served it with a garden shovel because I’m extraordinarily creative.

Some women are drippin’ with diamonds, some women are drippin in pearls, lu-cky me, lu-cky me, look at what I’m drippin’ with, LITTLE GIRLS! (and two boys)

Here’s Girlfriend’s posse.



And the next day we took Homeslice for her first carousel ride:


This is Girlfriend on her first ride:


Do they look alike?  I can’t really tell except sometimes I forget their names and sometimes I call one of them Alice.  I only thought it was my grandmother that did that.  I hope I don’t turn into her.  Toward the end there, she got naked a lot and wandered around the house like that.  She looked like a peach with nipples.

I hope that doesn’t happen to me.

Remember how I don’t like things that spin too fast like my washing machine or pinwheels or any kind of spinny thing?

Do I need to remind you of The Storyland Turtle Ride Incident of 2008?


I didn’t think so.

Well I went on the carousel and I was glad I was there to comfort Homeslice because she was afeared of it because as it turns out, the Slater Park carousel is too fast for babies.


I had to comfort her the whole ride.  I almost threw up from the strain of it, but I stayed strong for my daughter because I’m an excellent mother.

And the next day we loaded the cherubs up into the wagon and took them to what turned out to be the lamest parade in the history of lame parades.  And that’s saying something Queefies because parades are pretty lame by virtue of their very existence.  But it’s what you do when you have kids and there’s a parade going through your neighborhood.  You pack trail mix and fish crackers and water and you sit there on the side of the street with all the other assholes and you pay $8 for a Hello Kitty balloon that winds up stuck in a tree approximately .05 minutes after you purchased it and so you spend the rest of the parade listening to The Crying.


This guy was the coolest thing about the parade.


I know.  I also got to shake hands with  the mayor of Providence.  He said Homeslice is gorgeous and he should know because he’s A GAY and everyone knows they know all about beauty.

Homeslice was so bored she fell asleep.  Of course, she’s not sleeping in this picture, but just imagine that her eyes are closed and there you go.

That kid in the background looks pissed, right?  That’s because it was her Hello Kitty balloon that got caught in the tree.  I bet you thought it was Girlfriend’s but I fooled you.  I was smart and I went to Target and bought flags and pinwheels from the dollar bins and handed them out to Girlfriend, Homeslice, and Alena at the parade because I’m smarter than many parade goers.


And this was me last Memorial day weekend, also taken at the carousel:


Remember that bullshit?  I almost exploded, I swear to Jesus.

And that brings us very nicely into TODAY is Homeslice’s birthday!!!



Can you guys believe it’s been a year since I talked and talked to you about my cervix?  Don’t you miss that?

OMG and today is a Toy with Me day! Dangerous Places to have The Sex

This post is overwhelming.  I need a nap.