It’s my birthday today! EW!

I’m 36.

I feel every single last second of 36 this morning, Queefies. Pole dancing class kicked the ever lovin’ shit out of me. I’m bruised and battered and I feel like I’ve been gang raped from gripping the pole so close to my crotchals and then sliding down it.

It’s the sliding that does it, you know.

And the gripping.

So, for my birthday today, the first thing I would like is to not feel gang raped.

The second thing I would like is this bike:

The picture is too big for the page but fuck it, it’s my birthday.  Anyway, it’s the Electra Karma 3i.  It’ s totally badass and I don’t ride bikes but I don’t care.  I would ride this bike until the wheels fell off.  And my crotchals won’t even hurt from the seat because pole dancing class will toughen me up really good!

I ask for a variation of the same bike every year and every year Mister acts like he’s going to buy it for me, but he doesn’t.  He’s such a crybaby about the mortgage.  It bores me.

Little does he know, I can go and dump that same amount of money at Target in a single afternoon and come home with baby diapers and hair conditioner and more short sleeved v-neck tee shirts than you can shake a stick at.

That’s a funny expression isn’t it?

I don’t think I’ve ever shaken a stick at anything.

Waiting for me right now is a bag from Victoria’s Secret, which is a gift for Mister and not really for me at all.  I haven’t opened it yet, but I’m pretty sure there’s no bike in there.

I’ve gotta run now, Queefies.  I have to go open my new thong underpants  now.

PS: I don’t really like thongs because  HAVING A STRING UP YOUR ASS ALL DAY IS NOT COMFORTABLE.  I’m 36 now and so it’s okay to stop pretending thongs don’t suck.  I feel so incredibly liberated having admitted that to the Queefies I think I’ll say it again!

I SHAKE A STICK AT THONG UNDERPANTS!!!

I’m sure I’ve shattered some fantasies, whatever.  I’m in my late thirties now.  I can do that and not even care.

PSS: for my birthday, Girlfriend says she’ll do what I ask her to do the first time I ask.  That’s pretty much the most awesome present ever!

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33 comments

  1. I really don’t think men even realize giving lingerie is pure misogynistic selfishness. It’s like saying, “For your birthday, I’m going to wrap you up in scratchy lace and bind you in chicken wire and then assault you. Happy birthday!!!”

    Really, would we ever buy a man, say, THIS as a gift? http://bodybody.com/crotharmenun.html (Click at your own risk. *shudder* Men-parts, they just are not pretty unless they’re completely packaged or, completely unpackaged.)

    Actually, on Mister’s next birthday, I’d recommend you buy a harness and whip. Harness him to the bed and whip him until he agrees to buy you the bike. You could even do the whipping while wearing your thong. That way, you both win.

  2. Day-um, girl! Mister hasn’t bought that bike for you yet? Tell him if he doesn’t get you the bike, you won’t be riding anything else for your birthday.

    Happy Birthday!
    .-= Dingo’s last blog post… La Loco Laundry =-.

  3. Happy Birthday!
    And yeah, Girlfriend’s present is all sorts of awesome.
    Maybe you could get Mister to give you the same present. And then ask for the bike. And then you’d get the bike. Or would you up the ante for that car you’ve wanted for forever, too?
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Poignant Pondering & Thursday Thunks =-.

  4. Good for you! Made it to 36.Not everybody does, you know…

    Bonus. You figured it out with your family in tact and not farming the kids out for somebody else to raise, in order for you to get to the gym on time and play hard with the boyz n the hood.

    Keep it up.

  5. Dear Crissy,
    I am a new admirer (of a mere 2 weeks) and I want to step out of my comfort/lurking zone and wish you Happy Birthday! I find you so wickedly funny and gutsy and beautiful and sexy and goofy and I also think you are a good writer. And no, I’m not a weirdo. I just have one of those silly crushes on you like you get when you first discover a new author whose writing just SPEAKS TO YOU. I hope you are having a totally fun and fulfilling birthday. Kristin

  6. It’s ok. I turned 31 two days ago. As consolation I spent an assload on shoes I’ll never wear. Happy birthday from a longtime fan, first time poster.

  7. Aw, what a sweet daughter your little Girlfriend is. She knows just what you need. As for the bike, it brings up memories of when I was a kid (okay, almost teenager) and still had a baby bike and every year asked for a big kid bike and never go one and now I am an adult who is, like, disaster on wheels. Get yourself that f-ing bike.
    .-= The Sweetest’s last blog post… I Miss My Mommy =-.

  8. ok, for the record it WASN’T A THONG.

    it was a gift card.

    there are no restrictions on what she can buy with it: if she wants flannel pajamas, she gets flannel pajamas.

    i wouldn’t cry if she got thong undies though.

  9. Happy Birthday Crissy! Mister there are no bikes at Victoria’s Secret so there are restrictions on what she can buy so go buy the bike and she will buy some thong undies with the gift card and ride the bike for you. Win Win situation!

  10. My husband always threatens to wear a thong to the beach…only backwards. It’s a joke he’s been saying for years, he still thinks it’s hilarious.
    Enough about me- sheesh!

    Happy Birthday, Queen. May you have a most lovely day.

    Oh- who’s making your cake?
    .-= heather’s last blog post… facebook freaks me out =-.

  11. G-strings, as we call em in Oz (you wear thongs on your feet here) are bloody awful things. Crack a fart and it whistles out your bum like you are amateur gum leaf-blower.
    .-= grumpy’s last blog post… The Pits =-.

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