I feel every single last second of 36 this morning, Queefies. Pole dancing class kicked the ever lovin’ shit out of me. I’m bruised and battered and I feel like I’ve been gang raped from gripping the pole so close to my crotchals and then sliding down it.
It’s the sliding that does it, you know.
And the gripping.
So, for my birthday today, the first thing I would like is to not feel gang raped.
The second thing I would like is this bike:
The picture is too big for the page but fuck it, it’s my birthday. Anyway, it’s the Electra Karma 3i. It’ s totally badass and I don’t ride bikes but I don’t care. I would ride this bike until the wheels fell off. And my crotchals won’t even hurt from the seat because pole dancing class will toughen me up really good!
I ask for a variation of the same bike every year and every year Mister acts like he’s going to buy it for me, but he doesn’t. He’s such a crybaby about the mortgage. It bores me.
Little does he know, I can go and dump that same amount of money at Target in a single afternoon and come home with baby diapers and hair conditioner and more short sleeved v-neck tee shirts than you can shake a stick at.
That’s a funny expression isn’t it?
I don’t think I’ve ever shaken a stick at anything.
Waiting for me right now is a bag from Victoria’s Secret, which is a gift for Mister and not really for me at all. I haven’t opened it yet, but I’m pretty sure there’s no bike in there.
I’ve gotta run now, Queefies. I have to go open my new thong underpants now.
PS: I don’t really like thongs because HAVING A STRING UP YOUR ASS ALL DAY IS NOT COMFORTABLE. I’m 36 now and so it’s okay to stop pretending thongs don’t suck. I feel so incredibly liberated having admitted that to the Queefies I think I’ll say it again!
I SHAKE A STICK AT THONG UNDERPANTS!!!
I’m sure I’ve shattered some fantasies, whatever. I’m in my late thirties now. I can do that and not even care.
PSS: for my birthday, Girlfriend says she’ll do what I ask her to do the first time I ask. That’s pretty much the most awesome present ever!
- Top 10 Reasons Why Crissy Out and Out Refuses To Go Sledding
- Jesus Tap Dancing Christ
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!!
- Okay, so maybe Jazzercise is like, fun or whatever
- You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!