Today we’re talking about Girlfriend’s graduation.
But first you have to look at this picture of Homeslice on her birthday:
“das right bitches. I’s eatin’ some cake. Whachu doin’?”
And then Saturday was the graduation and it was at 10am at the Schmuckytown Pubic Library and it rained which meant that it would be inside. Here is the sweaty line of sweaty people. See if you can pick out the EPCs–sort of like Where’s Waldo? only with Escalade Pajama Cunts instead of you know, Waldo.
But I’m getting ahead of myself here because before we got there, there was all kinds of kerfuffles because I am the one in our family who has to get everyone clean, dressed, fed, packed, and ready to go and Mister kind of just wanders around like there’s nothing going on and he doesn’t know what he’s wearing and he doesn’t know we’re leaving or what time the thing is even though I told him 55 times per minute and he’s polishing camera lenses and having a sip of juice and I’m apoplectic (Holla Melissa Lion!) and sitting in the car with the kids and he’s still in the house looking for whateverthefuckhelooksfor and it’s 9:36 and we still have to pick up my mom and one day I’m going to have a stroke trying to get out of the house on time.
But we got there eventually and waited in that there line you saw.
Do you guys remember how Girlfriend felt about dance class?
Well, how do we think she felt about being paraded around in front of all those people in that great big line up there?
That Guy on the Left looks like he’s getting ready to punch her in the face, “Hulk, ANGRY!” Seriously, his face is doing something weird there, like he’s about to morph into something wicked fucked up.
And she wanted me to save her but her teacher put her in a headlock kept her walking the line:
I didn’t save her because she has to learn how to not be such a pussy, amiright?
Girlfriend needs to sack up and deal.
And yes, but no.
She had a big dance number to perform and she had to at least try to get over The Pussyitis.
Or, you know, not.
They were supposed to be doing We Go Together from Grease, but no.
A couple of them did a few little things toward the end there, but for the most part they all just stood there like they had just downed a bunch of Quaaludes.
Nobody says Quaalude anymore. I’m bringin’ it back. You heard me.
And it was just as well because I kept having emotions and I sort of lost it when they sang When a Child is Born in sign language. It was fucking beautiful, okay? And then again when they did a little ballet scarf dance thing to Time to Say Goodbye.
Right? Are you kidding me?
Fucking Satan would have lost his shit, I’m telling you. Even That Guy on the Left was a little misty. I totally caught him “HULK, sad.”
But now I have an official Graduate of Preschool.
That’s the school principal, Mrs. Jeannie. Girlfriend adores her, but I still had to go up with her to get her diploma because she was so not going up there by herself even after a pep talk from her teachers. She was just like, “fuck that noise, you bitches are crazy.” But she didn’t say that.
And we just found out that they passed a vote for all day kindergarten this fall. I’m the only person I know who’s not overjoyed.
SHE’S JUST A BABY DON’T TAKE MY BABY!
I’m not ready for Kindergarten, Queefies.
PS: Today is a Toy with Me day. In a rare serious moment, I’m telling a story of trauma that I’ve never told you guys before. You should come and read it: Catcalling–Creepy or a Compliment?