And there I was, standing there with shit in my hand

I’ve been working hard this week, you guys. Yesterday I gave myself a pedicure, washed and hung out two loads of laundry, and folded three loads, emptied and re-loaded the dishwasher, picked up toys, packed lunches, made dinner, washed my kitchen floor, emptied trash cans, watered all my outside plants, and then brought the girls to work with me at noon so I could get an early start before Mister came to pick them up so I could work until 8.

I’m fucking tired. In fact, my tired has tired on it.

So while I was at work, the girls were fine and they were pretty quiet and everything except for the time when Girlfriend said “douchebag” and my friend Celina and I both gasped at the same time and it embarrassed her and she dove under my desk and cried very loudly.

I had to beg her to come out. She’s usually the language police, but not this time.

Girlfriend, not Celina.

But that wasn’t the weird thing that happened.

The weird thing happened when Homeslice pooped her diaper and I realized that I didn’t have a spare with me, so I grabbed a diaper wipe and decided to reach into the back and pull the poop out because the kid freaking stank. Stunk? Stinked? She smelled.

And so I waited until nobody was around and I made my move. I dug into the back of her diaper and I pulled out the poop, wiping her bum as I went and just as I was pulling my hand out of the diaper, who walks though but the director on her way out to lunch.

She’s pretty cool about allowing us to bring our kids in every so often, for a short time as long as they’re quiet and don’t make a mess,and there I was standing there in a field of puzzle pieces and mashed cheerios with a hand full of diaper shit while she cooed at Homeslice and talked to Girlfriend all about her birthday.

It felt like forever, you guys. I don’t think she noticed that I had a hand full of shit, but what if she had?

I don’t really have an ending to this story.

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20 comments

  1. OMG slow down before you crash and burn! Where do you get the energy? The poop removal idea-very creative. You give us the best ideas. That’s why you’re the QOFE!

  2. OMG the things moms have to do! When homeslice gets bigger and back talks you you can always pull out the line “I held your shit IN MY HAND. That is as much shit as I will take from you.”.

  3. “…there I was standing there in a field of puzzle pieces and mashed cheerios with a hand full of diaper shit while she cooed at Homeslice and talked to Girlfriend all about her birthday.

    There’s a metaphor of life or work in there somewhere, but I’m too tired to figure it out. Time for another cup of coffee.

    Only you could wind up in this predicament. I’m sure Hubs is suitably proud.

  4. I would have ended it with: “And then a spaceship came down and aliens came out and held out a hand in greeting, but because I had excrement on my hand, I couldn’t reciprocate, so, in a bit of a sulk, they left, and vapourised the White House. Oh well.”

    Or something like that.
    .-= Philip Smith’s last blog post… A little flash with that? =-.

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