*this post is like, 15 posts in one, so if you want to read it in pieces that would be perfectly fine*
So we did it Queefies.
The great big gigantic patio/deck project is all done. Mister is pretty much a super hero and as usual, he built the whole thing with his dick. He’s got a few small abrasions on it, but that’s just because patio bricks are kind of rough. I mean seriously, he’s not THAT strong. Let’s not be nuts here.
I helped, of course. I hauled wheelbarrows full of gravel and sand and brick. I’m so proud of myself though you guys because I must have moved a ton or more of gravel and about a ton of brick and like, an assload (that’s a standard measurement, right? Assload?) of sand and I didn’t get tired and I’m not sore and I didn’t even cry. I thank my girl Jillian for all of that ass kicking. Also, it’s because I’m fucking awesome.
And then after that whole project was done, I planted a mimosa, an oak, a dogwood, and two hydrangeas. And then the Richard and Micheles came over and I got totally absolutely undeniably hammered from just two glasses of wine, but that didn’t stop me from having more wine and then after that some tequila and then I felt horrible mommy guilt for putting Homeslice to bed in a dirty dress with sand in her diaper, but it turned out okay because she woke up and I got her into some proper pjs and wiped her down with a washcloth. So I didn’t have to wake up at 3am and beat myself up over it. Instead, I woke up at 3 am and felt guilty for worrying about it so much and for burdening everyone with my mommy neurosis.
I fucking rule.
Anyhoodles, that was our weekend. We worked like dogs.
OMG!!! I didn’t tell you guys!
The dog officer came and took Maudette’s puppy away!
The dog officer came and took Maudette’s puppy away!
I was standing there washing dishes and watching the little fuckface dig holes in my new mulch, when the van pulled up. And I was all “take the dog! take the dog!” and the dog officer got out and lured him over to her. She saw me in the window and asked who he belonged to, and when I motioned in Earl and Maudette’s direction, she nodded and said “this little guy is coming with me” and it was just like one of those moments when Mr. Wilson catches Dennis doing something naughty and he’s thrilled to pieces. And then I was all “TEQUILA ATTACKED ALICE!” and then I ran into the house because I didn’t want to get caught talking to the dog officer because remember I’m scared of Earl and Maudette and Tequila and the puppy.
They got him back, and I nearly ran over the puppy who was running around in the middle of the street on my way home from work last night, so clearly they’re not afeared of the dog officer and/or are slow learners and/or they don’t give a shit.
She wears too much mascara, the dog officer does.
So the yard is ready for the Birthday Extravaganza on Saturday. It’s already way out of hand. There’s a lot of people coming. Like, a lot. So you can probably come too. I won’t notice because there will be so fucking many people.
Here’s a picture of me getting bombalooed on my new patio:
And today is Girlfriend’s birthday!!!!
She’s 5!
*sniffle*
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Hey, is that the wheelbarrow you used to haul the gravel and sand pictured with you on the patio?
Happy Patio to Crissy & Mister and a VERY Happy Birthday to Girlfriend!
Looks like Mister’s dick is totally awesome at building things.
And, for most kids, going to bed dirty is a victory.
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You guys did a damn good job on the patio/deck’athon! It’s really nice. Like, really nice. And all with a pecker…
Have a fab party Saturday.
Happy birthday, Girlfriend
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Happy Birthday Girlfriend! Five is a big one!
What a nice deck. Well done, Mister.
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Wow! The deck looks great. I’m a little jealous.
That dick sure is good at doing lots of things; making babies, finishing decks. You sure are a lucky lady, Crissy.
Happy Birthday Girlfriend!!
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my cockasaurus also builds nice kids!
i expect at least 15 minutes of attention lavished upon it in payment for this backyard extravaganza.
btw, you got a shout out from renee:
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=12472837#post12472837
pretty cool!
Happy B’day Girlfriend! High five! Amazing dick work Mister! Good luck with the party Crissy. Girlfriend is so pretty. Where is Homeslice?
Celebrations all around! I would totally give Mister’s dick a high-five for a job well done, but I’ll leave that to you (I don’t have any room for decks or gorgeous babies around here).
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If I fly you two out here can you remodel my house so Fancyhats can live in it? We just need to replace the bathroom and bust out a few walls.
The patio and deck look really amazing. Just like Crissy. It’s kinda fitting. Happy birthday to Girlfriend!
i’ll be there saturday to get bombalooed on that great patty-o.
happy birthday girlfriend!
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Happy birthday Girlfriend!!
And nice job on the deck. It looks like a very nice place to get bombalooed (but most places are nice places to get bombalooed!)
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to be fair, i only had to add the stairs this weekend. the rest of the deck was finished last summer.
Awww my baby turned 5 last month too. Happy Birthday to Girlfriend!
WOW….Girlfriend is a “whole hand.” Thanks for the invite to her party. I’ll pick out a nice present!
Nice dick work PImp!!!
Is that the same door from the kitchen that had the treacherous steps? WOW. Looks great!
Wow, good work! Did Girlfriend help too?
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mister’s cock sure is awesome. i should make sure my boyfriend’s cock can build things before we get too serious, i suppose.
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Very nice patio. I feel you on the mommy guilt but drunken bedtimes are rough for everyone, especially mommy. Good luck with the birthday party. I got hammered at my boy’s 1st/2nd birthday and have never been able to live it down (something about me wrestling with the dinosaur pinata and groping my father in law’s bald head….)
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The patio is beautiful! Happy belated birthday to Girlfriend!