I totally forgot to tell you guys that the other day, after taking Homeslice and Girlfriend to the Children’s Museum of Providence, I came out to the parking lot to find that some asshat had parked sooooofuckingclose to me that I think they must have had to climb out of the passenger’s side to get out because no human being could fit in between there, except me. I could fit, but only because I was determined to punish them, so I held my breath and tippy toed in between so that I could reach the driver’s side door handle and put my gum under it. I considered doing the old standby door slam, but the car was a total ghetto whip. That wouldn’t have been enough punishment for them. Actually, it wouldn’t have been any punishment at all. So, I had to break out the big guns–the one reserved only for *very special assholes* and I put my gum under the door handle. I slammed my door into theirs just for good measure but it was weak. It was too close and I couldn’t get enough momentum.
And then today I almost, ALMOST, punched some bitch out because instead of oh, I don’t know, holding the door for me when I was obviously struggling to get the stroller through, she FUCKING SLID IN BETWEEN THE STROLLER AND THE DOOR AND STEPPED OVER THE STROLLER TO GET OUT WHILE I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DOORWAY WITH THE WHEELS CAUGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She like, jumped over us instead of even just waiting for me to get through!
I was so fucking pissed you guys! So. Pissed. And I know I’ve got The PMS, but still. I think I’d be pissed anyway because people just fucking suck. I would have decked the bitch, but I was still struggling to get the stroller through the door.
I wanted to be like “HEY! COME BACK HERE SO I CAN KICK YOU IN THE UGLY FACE!”
But then I remembered that I now keep a can of pepper spray in the stroller…
No. I didn’t spray her, Queefies, but I could have and next time I will because Mister still hasn’t rigged up that flame thrower I wanted mounted to the stroller wheels.
That’s a perfectly good reason to pepper spray people, right? Just because they’re assholes?
I think so. In fact, I think they should list that on the package.
Pepper spray is good for stopping:
viscous animals
homicidal maniacs
criminals
cases of epic jackassery
rapists
assholes
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Damn her.
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YES! Damn her to hell!
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I think that has to be one of the rudest things I’ve heard in a long time. Who the fuck does that?
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What the Fuck?! She deserved the pepper spray. Next time use it.
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Pepper spray, also good for:
-Spare change askers
-Spraying into your carburator when your engine won’t start
-Cajun chicken
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What? Doors don’t just open for you because you are so special?
I guess that settles it, I’m more special than you are because all the doors I go through opens just for me.
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I hate when people lack the helpful gene. As someone once told me, there are givers in this world and there are takers. And so long as you’re matched up with someone who balances you out, then it’s all good. Clearly, that lady was a taker. She doesn’t know how to give, even if it cost her, oh, half a minute of time. Jerks.
Omg, I’m about to hunt her down and pepper spray her myself. Holy crap–what nerve people have! I would have totally cussed her out. Or, pulled one of those “I hope everything is okay. I mean, you wouldn’t be rushing to jump over my stroller unless someone was dying or your house was on fire or something, so good luck with that.” When you say stuff like that people are pretty sure they just got scolded but they can’t tell for sure. It’s kind of fun.
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i don’t know if squirting pepper spray on your asshole is going to be pleasant.
or maybe it will be?
we need a test.
ps you faked me out with the late-day post!
Oh—-I’ve got one……maybe not as epic as yours, but horrifying just the same. And at the risk of sounding like I’m ‘one upping’, I am telling because I know you dont’ like germs either.
My Bff went to the dentist yesterday and the hygenist that was sitting over her working IN HER MOUTH was recounting how she was gone earlier in the day because she felt so bad she couldn’t be at work. Her throat hurt and so forth.
WTF? Why not just INJECT her with some of the sick? eww
Sorry you had a bad day. One time someone parked so close to my car that a friend of mine had to back it out for me because I have the fat….and couldn’t manage to squeeze between their car and my barely opened door. That was pretty mortifying.
I hope a bee lands on your gum and gets stuck and royally pissed off, then stings that asshat good & hard!!
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Just punch them, that’s why I do. Except at work. At work you just have to hold a grudge until they happen to need something from you and then you can be like “remember that time you were an asshole..” and then totally not do anything for them. I mean, chances are they won’t remember because they’re always an asshole, but it still feels good.
Queefies…I’m going to start using that.
what a fucking bitch. i hate when i hold the door for someone and they walk right on through and never even say thanks. but your enounter with rude highness takes the cake.
ps: love love love the gum on door handle tactic! i’m all over that.
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I think it’s a good enough reason to use the pepper spray. My daughter wants me to buy her some (she’s 8) to take to school with her so “whenever the kids are mean, they’ll get a face full of it!”
Next time, punch her in the neck.
Take me shopping with you. I could seriously take out some aggression on these biotches. WTF?
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Pepper spraying assholes sounds good to me. I used to work at Disney World and one time I got swept up in the people leaving after the fireworks crowd. Children in strollers at Disney World are weapons used to push their way through. After the millionth time getting run over, and being surrounded by a mob of people I swear can no one see we’re all trying to get out at the same time, I shouted the next person that runs me over with their damn stroller and uses their child as a weapon will have baby and all belongings flipped over on the ground. I had a 3 foot circle around me and as people tried to shove their way in the other people were like no way man that’s enough. It was awesome!
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I am astonished at how someone could see you like that and do that!! What the HELL?! I probably would have yelled “Thanks ALOT!” or maybe stuck my leg out while she was mid-jump.
I held the door open for a woman going into Subway this evening and she said “Thanks” but it kinda had a surprised tone to it. It just stupifies me because people are so rude no a days. Nobody has manners anymore!
Did she make that horrible ‘TUT’ noise that impatient people make to try and make it obvious that they are so busy and important and you struggling with a stroller was going to make her precisely five seconds late for a meeting or some shit like that?
She totally deserved the pepper spray, a vicious animal AND a round kick to the face. What a douche.
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I’ve never considered the gum thing. That’s awesome. I learn stuff here, you know?
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Hey, i was waiting at Pizza Hut last nite for pizzas to carry out and the scary delivery man was carrying out 3 big bags of pizza and a 2 liter bottle of soda……and because of YOU, the Queen, I offered to get the door for him. You teach kindness, Crissy………kindness.
Yes, people suck. But what I found funny is that the ad that went with this post was this: “Want to punch harder?” Obviously, the answer is, “Yes. Yes, I do.”
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