You know what I hate doing? I hate picking out cards for people because everything at the store is:
A) Wicked freaking stupid with fucking roses and birds or sailboats or kittens on it and I can picture my great grandmother picking it out, not some sexy young hip thing like myself.
3) It makes me cry like a jackass in the middle of the Super Wal*Mart’s and I’m pretty sure it would make the recipient cry too. Is that what I want? Do I want to make people cry when I give them a card? Not really. Okay, maybe sometimes, but that’s rare.
F) It’s NOT FUCKING FUNNY, but it thinks it is. I read these not funny cards, roll my eyes, and picture some Jesus nerd having a good clean chuckle at the dumbest card joke ever.
I never know what to write in them, either. Like, “sorry you accidentally got a bottle stuck in your ass, Mabel. Maybe not quite so far in next time” isn’t as eloquent as I’d like to be. I always feel like I have to be all kinds of deep and poetic and what comes out 99% of the time sounds totally perverse, or depressive, or insane or all of those things.
That said, I like the stuff they have over at Noble Works. They’re totally not annoying or embarrassing, Queefies. They’re actually amusing and edgy and wacky. Kind of how I used to be! You know, before the children and the depression and the anxiety.
Like, I like this one:
And this one is full of awesome, too:
I actually have that picture and caption on a coffee mug. I think I need to have official QOFE shirts made of that one, so we all can REPRESENT. The inside says “Happy fucking birthday!”
It’s the kind of card I would make myself if I was crafty like that.
And because I like them so much, I’m going to give away a $25 gift card to their site.
And I get absolutely nothing for doing this except that I get to see all the awesome stuff you guys come up with. Plus I get to bestow a present upon one creative Queefie.
Here’s what you do:
- Go to their site: www.NobleWorksCards.com
- Pick out your favorite card
- Come back here, stop being a dirty lurker, and in the comments section, tell me who you’d send it to and why.
I pick my favorite and then You Win, motherfucker! You get the gift card!!
You have until this Friday to come up with something so good it will make me jealous that I didn’t write it myself, so GO TO IT! I’ll announce the winner on Monday.