Hey Queefies!
You know what I hate doing? I hate picking out cards for people because everything at the store is:
A) Wicked freaking stupid with fucking roses and birds or sailboats or kittens on it and I can picture my great grandmother picking it out, not some sexy young hip thing like myself.
3) It makes me cry like a jackass in the middle of the Super Wal*Mart’s and I’m pretty sure it would make the recipient cry too. Is that what I want? Do I want to make people cry when I give them a card? Not really. Okay, maybe sometimes, but that’s rare.
F) It’s NOT FUCKING FUNNY, but it thinks it is. I read these not funny cards, roll my eyes, and picture some Jesus nerd having a good clean chuckle at the dumbest card joke ever.
I never know what to write in them, either. Like, “sorry you accidentally got a bottle stuck in your ass, Mabel. Maybe not quite so far in next time” isn’t as eloquent as I’d like to be. I always feel like I have to be all kinds of deep and poetic and what comes out 99% of the time sounds totally perverse, or depressive, or insane or all of those things.
That said, I like the stuff they have over at Noble Works. They’re totally not annoying or embarrassing, Queefies. They’re actually amusing and edgy and wacky. Kind of how I used to be! You know, before the children and the depression and the anxiety.
Like, I like this one:
And this one is full of awesome, too:
I actually have that picture and caption on a coffee mug. I think I need to have official QOFE shirts made of that one, so we all can REPRESENT. The inside says “Happy fucking birthday!”
It’s the kind of card I would make myself if I was crafty like that.
And because I like them so much, I’m going to give away a $25 gift card to their site.
I know!
You’re welcome.
And I get absolutely nothing for doing this except that I get to see all the awesome stuff you guys come up with. Plus I get to bestow a present upon one creative Queefie.
Here’s what you do:
- Go to their site: www.NobleWorksCards.com
- Pick out your favorite card
- Come back here, stop being a dirty lurker, and in the comments section, tell me who you’d send it to and why.
I pick my favorite and then You Win, motherfucker! You get the gift card!!
You have until this Friday to come up with something so good it will make me jealous that I didn’t write it myself, so GO TO IT! I’ll announce the winner on Monday.
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- And the lucky winner is…
http://www.nobleworkscards.com/0871-mom-doesnt-care-funny-talk-bubbles-mothers-day-card.html
Id send it to my mother fucking mother because basically that’s how she raised me and life sucks………waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh
Seriously, I would. Too bad I gave birth to you day is over.
OMG!!! Bwahahahahaha! I love that one, Melissa!
I’m pretty sure my ‘entry’ will be irrelevant because I am in Australia and $25 is probably less than postage would cost to send the gift card here anyway, but the universe is telling me to be a joiner, and that is what I’m doing!
http://www.nobleworkscards.com/8602-morning-coffee-funny-teeny-people-birthday-card.html
I’d give it to my sister. Because that’s how she rolls. And that’s what she looks like in the mornings so it’s funnier. To me, anyway.
CuppyCakes’s last blog post… Blames Nargles.
i’ve always liked these- it’s too bad the nearby party store that had ‘em went gone…
http://www.rockshots.com/
http://www.nobleworkscards.com/0439-too-busy-funny-talk-bubbles-birthday-card.html
I like that I can use this card for birthdays or when I’m just being a bad friend in general. Genius!
http://www.NobleWorksCards.com/0860-fucking-fab-funny-talk-bubbles-happy-birthday-card.html
I’d give this to my sister. She claims to be the favorite and in my family it’s not a birthday if it doesn’t say fuck. I present my mother’s birthday cake as proof. http://www.flickr.com/photos/31606454@N04/4360423173/
I may have to get her this one too. Bitch got me Mydol for my birthday last week!
http://www.NobleWorksCards.com/0680-birthday-slut-funny-hot-betty-birthday-card.html
Melissa’s last blog post… Five Question Friday
I would send this to my gay ex boyfriend who happens to have a VERY rednecky family.
http://www.nobleworkscards.com/7924-homo-agenda-funny-funny-paper-happy-birthday-card.html
i know i can’t win, but here’s my submission anyway:
http://www.nobleworkscards.com/1090-correlation-funny-talk-bubbles-merry-christmas-card.html
for my lovely wife, because her ass is so yummy
http://www.nobleworkscards.com/8359-viagra-kicks-in-funny-cartoons-happy-birthday-card.html
This would be for my dad who found a new chick 6 weeks after my mom died, married her less than a year later and a few months ago got a penile implant.
BTW the second was just for fun.
http://www.nobleworkscards.com/3028-lipstick-les-funny-talk-bubbles-halloween-card.html
i’m sending this one to all bloggy friends like wicked shawn, a vapid blonde, buggin’ word, all of you at toy with me, etc. i have huge girls crushes…
pattypunker’s last blog post… i’d show you my asshole but it’s not pink enough
So far, this is my favorite card: http://www.nobleworkscards.com/0418-to-whom-funny-talk-bubbles-birthday-card.html
I’d send one to just about everyone I know. Ha. Mostly my mother and my ex husband. My mother because she drank my childhood away and forced me to raise my 2 younger sisters. And my ex husband cause he’s just a dick.
i liked that one myself, cort.
Hahahahahaha! That’s awesome, CortGirl! I think I need to order about 100 of them and just leave them whenever some random fuckface pisses me off!
Crissy’s last blog post… A real live honest to Jesus CONTEST where you get to kill eachother for a GIFT CARD!
Cuppycakes- That’s me in the morning. Totally.
Nicole- That’s fantastic!
Tiffany- hahahahaha! and EW! EW! EW!
Patty- Am I getting one of those too?
Crissy’s last blog post… A real live honest to Jesus CONTEST where you get to kill eachother for a GIFT CARD!
you’re first on the list! xoxo
pattypunker’s last blog post… i’d show you my asshole but it’s not pink enough
Awww…you’re sweet!
Crissy’s last blog post… A real live honest to Jesus CONTEST where you get to kill eachother for a GIFT CARD!
http://www.nobleworkscards.com/2228-park-n-fuck-funny-cartoons-valentines-day-card.html
I haven’t been subtle in my flirting (no bra and a white t-shirt, only a t-shirt and boy shorts) but this might just seal the deal 
Husband Who?? 
I would TOTALLY give this to my Hottie McHottie UPS Man
I would send this to you as a (very) belated congratulations card in honor of the fact your husband posted a picture of your placenta on the internet after Taco aka Homeslice was born. True blogging devotion, right there (even if it was done without your knowledge or consent.)
http://www.nobleworkscards.com/8112-blog-baby-funny-last-kiss-congratulations-card.html
Cal’s last blog post… Awkward Elevator Guy
Melissa- I LOVE your mother!!!
Aurora- I hope you mean YOUR hottie UPS guy. Keep your hands off mine!
Cal- Bwahahahahaha! Every time I try to forget that picture, somebody reminds me!
Crissy’s last blog post… A real live honest to Jesus CONTEST where you get to kill eachother for a GIFT CARD!
nice one, cal.
i always like comments that have something to do with me.
I’ll stop being such a dirty lurker and tell you I’d get this card for my best college girlfriend
http://www.nobleworkscards.com/0830-wine-funny-talk-bubbles-happy-birthday-card.html
Because that bitch and I are classy like that. We used to drink box wine. That’s right. BOX FRANZIA. Like I said…we’re classy like that
Kate- oooo. Franzia. That IS the height of sophistication! Tell me, was it also White Zinfandel? I hear that’s pretty classy stuff.
Crissy’s last blog post… A real live honest to Jesus CONTEST where you get to kill eachother for a GIFT CARD!
http://www.nobleworkscards.com/0036-motherhood-dwarves-funny-cartoons-mothers-day-card.html
I’d sent this to my mother:
1. Huggy because she wanted me to pay the bills when my dad left.
2. Fussy because I was the fucking maid and she would email me daily chore lists while she sat in bed all day playing Farmville.
3. Worry because I had a curfew until April 1st. I am 24. Also? Bought a car. She took the keys. Had to ask her permission to drive it.
4. Guilty because she used the good old Catholic guilt trip on me so I sucked at life until I got out.
5. Naggy should be her middle name. Nothing I ever did was ever good enough for her.
6. Saintly because I’M A FUCKING SAINT FOR PUTTING UP WITH HER AS LONG AS I DID!
7. Enabler because even though everyone knew I was fucked up on drugs in High School didn’t want to help me.
Basically, Thanks Mom for ruining my life. Bitch.
I wish I had this Mother’s Day card 2 days ago.
Anomosity, what? Yes M’aam, QOFE.
http://www.nobleworkscards.com/mc102-beautiful-mug-funny-all-occasions-mugs.html
This would be a gift for my bestest ever for a long, long time friend who just graduated with her masters. In Art education. For smallish children. Which clearly makes her a saint AND a martyr at the same time. Add to the fact that she is a single mom with a low-life dickish ex and she deserves this! She also has the misfortune of having broke-ass friends like myself who couldn’t afford to go to her graduation (out of state) so she (we) (me) need this! Did I tell you you’re pretty?
[...] PSS: Don’t forget my contest to win a $25 gift card! [...]
http://www.nobleworkscards.com/7208-learned-from-mom-funny-talk-bubbles-mothers-day-card.html
WOW. Do they actually know my mother?
I’m scared.
Accidental Olympian’s last blog post… APPARENTLY, WHOOPI GOLDBERG IS MY SISTER
FYI Crissy… you KNOW it was the White Zin!!!! That’s just how we rolled. We also went through the Two Buck Chuck phase. heavily. Now I fill my wine glass with tears because we don’t live in the same state anymore
I definitely have to order the card I linked to earlier…I have a 7 week old baby…I could keep those in my diaper bag to hand out to everyone I come across. Why? Lack of sleep and general bitchiness. Everyone I come in contact with these days is a fuckface.
Especially my husband- who chooses to sleep through the night while I get up with her. Then complains when she cries while he’s trying to take a nap during the day. When do I get to take a nap?? Yeah, he’ll get one too.
Concise and well written, thank you for the data. Would you care if I post a number of this on my site basically incorporate a reference to this website?