I’m kind of feeling a video caper coming on and I’m trying to decide what it’s going to be.
The other day I was giggling to myself because I was thinking I would do a video of me tossing random shit into people’s carts at Target. Like, I could get one of those little hand basket things and fill it with condoms and tampons and douche and hemorrhoid cream and pregnancy tests and Gas-X and just go around the store tossing the stuff into unwitting people’s carriages.
I think it would be a hoot.
I would need to bring Lynne with me though, because you can’t do something like that and not about pee your pants laughing. Not that it wouldn’t be fun with Mister but you know, Lynne was there when the brilliant idea was conceived, so she should be there when it’s born.
I’d have to learn how to control my laughter which is something I’m not really good at. I laugh at all the wrong moments, usually.
Funerals are hilarious. You can’t take me to those. I’m an embarrassing and inappropriate date.
That’s why we wussed out on the whoopee cushion thing, you know. Remember we were going to go into the Stop & Shop with a whoopee cushion and Mister was just going to stand next to people with it hidden under his arm and squeeze it to get their reactions?
We actually showed up to do it, but we were laughing so hard in the parking lot, we couldn’t pull it off:
So, I have to work on that because you cannot be a right and proper Vagisil planter in people’s carriages if you’re going to give it away with laughter and giggling.
If I can pull it off, that will take care of the Other People of the World because I mostly don’t like people and I want to hurt them.
And I know what to do about Earl and Maudette and Tequila now. It’s better than nematodes.
Mister sent me this thing on Facebook about a guy who, to get back at his asshole-y neighbor, put an ad on Craigslist and gave her address and said she wanted to pleasure as many men as possible before she left for work in the morning. And so all these dudes like, showed up at her house at all hours in the early morning looking for blow jobs and shit.
How awesome is that?
All we need is that Chris Hansen from Dateline to sit in her living room and ask people what the hell they’re doing, and it’s made for TV hilarity.
This goes way beyond ordering pizzas and sending dildos in the mail to your neighbor’s house. I mean, if I did that to Earl and Maudette, they’d probably be thrilled! “Well, lookie here, Maudette! Somebody sent us a pizza! It doesn’t have anchovies, but it came with a free dildo! Woo-hoo!”
I thought I might place the Craigslist ad for Tequila and not Maudette. I’d say something like “Big white girl likes to bite and have her collar yanked. Enjoys public defecation and stranger crotch sniffing. Can lick own pussy. Will pee on command.”
Actually, now that I think about it, they’d probably be able to roll with some pervs from Criaigslist coming over. “Tequila! Fella here says he’s wants to see you…”
They may even be the pervs from Craigslist.
I’m actually really scared of all three of them.
PS: I’m not at Toy with Me today so if you go there, don’t expect to find me! I’m there on Friday this week. I don’t know why other than the fact that the admins are going on vacation. I hope the Queefs will still come even though it’s a Friday and I know Fridays are pretty light.