This is way better than the nematodes, you guys. Like, WAY.

I’m kind of feeling a video caper coming on and I’m trying to decide what it’s going to be.

The other day I was giggling to myself because I was thinking I would do a video of me tossing random shit into people’s carts at Target.Β  Like, I could get one of those little hand basket things and fill it with condoms and tampons and douche and hemorrhoid cream and pregnancy tests and Gas-X and just go around the store tossing the stuff into unwitting people’s carriages.

I think it would be a hoot.

I would need to bring Lynne with me though, because you can’t do something like that and not about pee your pants laughing. Not that it wouldn’t be fun with Mister but you know, Lynne was there when the brilliant idea was conceived, so she should be there when it’s born.

I’d have to learn how to control my laughter which is something I’m not really good at. I laugh at all the wrong moments, usually.

Funerals are hilarious. You can’t take me to those. I’m an embarrassing and inappropriate date.

That’s why we wussed out on the whoopee cushion thing, you know. Remember we were going to go into the Stop & Shop with a whoopee cushion and Mister was just going to stand next to people with it hidden under his arm and squeeze it to get their reactions?

We actually showed up to do it, but we were laughing so hard in the parking lot, we couldn’t pull it off:

So, I have to work on that because you cannot be a right and proper Vagisil planter in people’s carriages if you’re going to give it away with laughter and giggling.

If I can pull it off, that will take care of the Other People of the World because I mostly don’t like people and I want to hurt them.

And I know what to do about Earl and Maudette and Tequila now. It’s better than nematodes.

Mister sent me this thing on Facebook about a guy who, to get back at his asshole-y neighbor, put an ad on Craigslist and gave her address and said she wanted to pleasure as many men as possible before she left for work in the morning. And so all these dudes like, showed up at her house at all hours in the early morning looking for blow jobs and shit.

Bwahahahahahahahaha!

How awesome is that?

All we need is that Chris Hansen from Dateline to sit in her living room and ask people what the hell they’re doing, and it’s made for TV hilarity.

This goes way beyond ordering pizzas and sending dildos in the mail to your neighbor’s house. I mean, if I did that to Earl and Maudette, they’d probably be thrilled! “Well, lookie here, Maudette! Somebody sent us a pizza! It doesn’t have anchovies, but it came with a free dildo! Woo-hoo!”

I thought I might place the Craigslist ad for Tequila and not Maudette. I’d say something like “Big white girl likes to bite and have her collar yanked. Enjoys public defecation and stranger crotch sniffing. Can lick own pussy. Will pee on command.”

Actually, now that I think about it, they’d probably be able to roll with some pervs from Criaigslist coming over. “Tequila! Fella here says he’s wants to see you…”

They may even be the pervs from Craigslist.

I’m actually really scared of all three of them.

PS: I’m not at Toy with Me today so if you go there, don’t expect to find me! I’m there on Friday this week. I don’t know why other than the fact that the admins are going on vacation. I hope the Queefs will still come even though it’s a Friday and I know Fridays are pretty light.

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18 comments

  1. Your plan is so evil it’s fabulous! New w.t. neighbors moved in across the street this week, mirrored headboards, big barking dog, verbally abused kids and all. I know how to welcome them to the hood now!
    .-= Joanna’s last blog post… Frosted =-.

  2. They’d like it too much for it to be naughty. Hrmph. Maybe you should call Jehovah’s Witness and tell them that your neighbors are ready for the Lord.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… Sprouts and Growth =-.

  3. I am down with any sort of shenanigans you want to video. We still need to ride a bike in the lobby here at Shmuckytown Pubic Library so there’s that.

  4. At a very young age, I learned I could never lie to my parents. I’m just no good at it. Similarly, you couldn’t ever bring me along with you to Target, because I’d probably pee in my pants from laughter. I’d be a dead giveaway!

  5. funerals are funny! my brother and i sunk into a laughing fit at my grandma’s funeral which my mother absolutely didn’t get and ended up hating us for. it was one of the most cathartic laughs ever.

    i like your and the mister’s brand of vicious!
    .-= pattypunker’s last blog post… motherfucking oprah =-.

  6. Watch out for security cameras at the supermarket. They’re everywhere, so do the drop really nonchalantly like you just intended to compare, say, Boy Butter to Land O’Lakes and then just mistook their cart for your own.

    I want you at Toy With Me right now! Okay, I will wait until Friday. But I’ll be ready to explode by then.
    .-= stoogepie’s last blog post… Great Stories of the Bible 4 =-.

  7. I think that ad you wrote for Tequila should be used as the hiring criteria for one of the characters in that video for adults you and stoogiepie have been planning. Just not as hairy.

  8. I used to put condoms and panties in peoples carts at Wal-Mart…..that’s all I had growing up…Wal-Mart…not Targets anywhere close……..I bet that makes you cry doesn’t it?!
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… Any Botanist Around? =-.

  9. I’d caution against condoms/pregnancy tests. There’s fun and then there’s starting arguments that lead to things like daughters being grounded/disowned.

    Scenario… Mom and older teen daughter are shopping at large store (Target/Walmat, that ilk). Whilst their backs are turned, condoms are thrown into cart by passerby who is just doing it to yank chains. Mother and daughter finish shopping, not noticing added purchase and get to checkout line. Daughter is perusing People Magazine when Mother spots the condoms in the cart and bellows “YOU CHEAP F**KING WHORE!” at her daughter. Daughter turns, stunned and mother is swooping down on her, waving the condoms in her face and ranting about how she isn’t going to pay for her daughter to be a floozie. Mother will not listen to daughter protesting that she didn’t put them in the cart. That fall, daughter gets sent to religious boarding school. All because of what was probably intended as a harmless prank.

    I may or may not know the persons in this tale.

    So… there’s fun and then there’s turning someone’s life into hell for three years.
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Share the Love Safely Giveaway =-.

  10. Are you seriously thinking that the sex prank is funny?! How old are you?!! How would you like it if someone did that to you, and you were home alone with your two girls. That woman was lucky that the men didn’t force their way in. I cannot imagine what would have happened if there were some perverts in the group… That man now has caused big harm to her family, especially her and her children!!! Sending pizza and dildos, sure. But not exposing someone’s physical address on the internet, and connecting it to sex, when it’s not welcome.

    If you deep down inside consider this funny and awesome, then I really feel very sad about where the world has come to πŸ™ πŸ™ πŸ™
    .-= Drusillah’s last blog post… I want a fucking dishwasher =-.

  11. stoogepie:

    i wonder how many other folks know what boy butter is?

    drusillah:

    are you for real?

    do you have any idea how ridiculously easy it is for ANYONE to do this to ANYONE else? so easy it’s funny. yes, i said it was FUNNY.

    my wife and daughter know how to use the phone to call 911, just as they should if ANYONE trespasses on our property without our consent. it’s a small town. the cops have nothing better to do.

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