I wish nematodes would eat Tequila.

I’ve totally flaked on the blog.  My bad, yo.

As you know, Mister and I were on vacation last week so we could do shit around the house and I am happy to report to the Queefies that we have THREE NEW WINDOWS!

Mister put them in all by himself.  With his dick.

They’re in our bedroom.

They’re so nice and pretty that we decided not to put our shades back up and so now our whole neighborhood can see us doing bedroom things.

YOU’RE WELCOME, CRISSY STREET.

I did some gardening and planted some Myrtle in the wasteland of dirt and dead grass and weeds that is our side yard.  That’s where Tequila shits and so naturally I blame her for the sad state of things over there.  Clearly, the evil inside her is killing my grass.

I’m serious.

We spent $400 last year and we still don’t have any grass.  We tilled it, re-seeded, and watered the crap out of it and made the most gorgeous lawn and this year?

No. Fucking. Grass.

It’s all dead.

So, I’m planting assloads of groundcover because fuck that $400 noise, and you know what I discovered when I dug the holes for the Myrtle on Sunday?

Grubs.

Somehow, Tequila has started a grub farm in my would-be lawn! It’s loaded with those fuckers!  And now, I have to buy some nematodes to come and eat the grubs because far be it from me to pollute the pond behind our house with some sort of chemical, right?

That dog is diabolical I tell you! She craps in my yard, she attacks my dog, and she keeps grubs as pets.  There’s nothing to like about her, really, and now she doesn’t want us to have grass because it tickles her bum when she craps in my yard.

I took Alice to the vet after the attack, btw.  She’s totally fine.

IT WAS JUST A FLESH WOUND.

(I bought some pepper spray.  Shhhhh!  It’s a surprise for Tequila)

I hope that after the nematodes kill the grubs, they will eat Tequila next.

Let’s see…what else?

We went to a derby party over at Stephen and Ceceley’s house.  My horse did not win, but I didn’t care because I drank an ungodly amount of Mint Juleps and let Stephen take eleventy billion pictures of my porn face, which I will not show you mostly because I don’t really feel like going over to his flickr to find them right now, but I will show you a picture of me and Michele and some guy named Brian (I think) doing shots of bourbon:

_MG_9008-90

Yes, I am mother of the year, thanks for asking. I do shots with my infant in my lap because I’m cool like that.

I’m also cool because I let my kid decorate her own fancy lady hat,

_MG_8964-46

which I think came out really great.  Those are feathers AND flowers, fyi.

Here’s mine.  I made mine.

_MG_8984-66

It has strawberries on it.  And yes.  I planned that shirt to blend into the wall because I am the original and best wall flower or wall strawberry or whatever.  I have no idea why I look so pale.  I’m probably dying or some such nonsense.

You should have seen me before I put on some bronzer.

Tequila’s  trying to kill me. Probably.

PS: I ‘m going to start spelling my name like this: Cri$$y.

Similar Posts:

23 comments

  1. I’m so glad that Alice is okay! Poor little pup. I kind of hate Tequila on your behalf. Possibly part of that has to do with the fact that her name is Tequila, and I always judge an animal by their name.
    I don’t think anyone else could wear a strawberry hat as well as you do. Or that shade of green. An impressive feat.
    .-= CuppyCakes’s last blog post… Blames Nargles. =-.

  2. I have a BIG dog, like the size of a small horse. I will find out how much it costs to send him to your house to scare the shit (haha) out of tequila… and he wont crap on your lawn.
    .-= Emmz’s last blog post… Loved… =-.

  3. cri$$y.

    i like that.

    i can spec out and buy some nematodes for the side-yard. i figure it’ll take about 20 million or so of them.

    btw, my dick needs a massage after all that window work. saving ~$1k worth of labor costs is at least worth a playthrough!

  4. Cri$$y you are rockin that hat. Mister needs to get the shotgun ready because Girlfriend is going to have the boyfriends going crazy in a few years. She is beautiful. Where is Lucy’s hat? And yeah you owe Mister a playthrough while wearing the hat.

  5. I had to look up nematodes. I am so ashamed.

    I was busy growing armpit hair for the farmers market occasion. I didn’t even realize there was horse racing. Isn’t horse racing politically un-correct? I hope so, because I was off saving the planet buy farmers marketing, while everyone else was watching horses.

    Now if horse racing isn’t incorrect than I missed out!!
    p.s. I’m afraid of mint juleps because in the past, I haven’t liked whiskey………I wonder if I do now?

  6. This is so ironic, because I was just hanging around the nematode store yesterday. Yeah.

    Don’t feel bad, ¢ri$$y. I spent $400 on grass only a month or so ago and I don’t have any left either.

    You make a very sexy strawberry. And Girlfriend is a perfectly beautiful vase for those lovely flowers.
    .-= stoogepie’s last blog post… Great Stories of the Bible 4 =-.

  7. The Declaration of Independence
    Think I can tell you that first sentence
    But then I’m lost
    I can’t begin to count the theories
    I’ve had pounded in my head that I forgot
    I don’t remember all that Spanish
    Or the Gettysburg Address
    But there is one speech from high school
    I’ll never forget

    Chorus:

    Come on in boy, sit on down
    And tell me ’bout yourself
    So you like my daughter, do you now
    Yeah we think she’s something else
    She’s her daddy’s girl, her mama’s world
    She deserves respect, that’s what she’ll get, ain’t it son
    Now y’all run along and have some fun
    I’ll see you when you get back
    Bet I’ll be up all night
    Still cleaning this gun

    Well now that I’m a father
    I’m scared to death one day my daughter is gonna find
    That teenage boy I used to be
    Who seems to have just one thing on his mind
    She’s growing up so fast it won’t be long before,
    I’ll have to put the fear of God
    Into some kid at the door

    Come on in boy, sit on down
    And tell me ’bout yourself
    So you like my daughter, do you now
    Yeah we think she’s something else
    She’s her daddy’s girl, her momma’s world
    She deserves respect, that’s what she’ll get
    Now ain’t it son, y’all go out, have some fun
    I’ll see you when you get back
    Probably be up all night
    Still cleaning this gun

    Now it’s all for show ain’t nobody gonna get hurt
    It’s just a daddy thing, -n- hey, believe me, man it works

    Now Come on in boy, sit on down
    And tell me ’bout yourself
    So you like my daughter, do you now
    Yeah we think she’s something else
    She’s her daddy’s girl, her momma’s world
    She deserves respect, that’s what she’ll get
    Ain’t it son, ya’ll run along and have a little fun
    I’ll see you when you get back
    Probably be up all night
    Still cleaning this gun

    Ha ha

    Now son now y’all buckle up and have her back by 10, uh lets say 9…30
    Drive safe

  8. Oooooo! All the trouble because of Tequila is giving me angst! I hate it when people let their animals run wild! Sick her, nematodes! >:(

  9. I love that you let Girlfriend decorate her own fancy lady hat, and it it she put a chair for Homeslice.

  10. Doing shots with your baby in your lap is a requirement. It is called multitasking and is the sign of a true mother. You’re one bad ass ninja (just wanted to use that word somewhere today).

    I hate to say that I prefer Girlfriend’s hat over yours. I think the flower and feather combo was great. Good luck with Tequila, I am currently trying to secretly poison my husband’s dog right now for eating my clothes and pissing on my bathroom floor.
    .-= Sabreena’s last blog post… My Impending Super Sweet 32nd Birthday =-.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *