I’ve totally flaked on the blog. My bad, yo.
As you know, Mister and I were on vacation last week so we could do shit around the house and I am happy to report to the Queefies that we have THREE NEW WINDOWS!
Mister put them in all by himself. With his dick.
They’re in our bedroom.
They’re so nice and pretty that we decided not to put our shades back up and so now our whole neighborhood can see us doing bedroom things.
YOU’RE WELCOME, CRISSY STREET.
I did some gardening and planted some Myrtle in the wasteland of dirt and dead grass and weeds that is our side yard. That’s where Tequila shits and so naturally I blame her for the sad state of things over there. Clearly, the evil inside her is killing my grass.
I’m serious.
We spent $400 last year and we still don’t have any grass. We tilled it, re-seeded, and watered the crap out of it and made the most gorgeous lawn and this year?
No. Fucking. Grass.
It’s all dead.
So, I’m planting assloads of groundcover because fuck that $400 noise, and you know what I discovered when I dug the holes for the Myrtle on Sunday?
Grubs.
Somehow, Tequila has started a grub farm in my would-be lawn! It’s loaded with those fuckers! And now, I have to buy some nematodes to come and eat the grubs because far be it from me to pollute the pond behind our house with some sort of chemical, right?
That dog is diabolical I tell you! She craps in my yard, she attacks my dog, and she keeps grubs as pets. There’s nothing to like about her, really, and now she doesn’t want us to have grass because it tickles her bum when she craps in my yard.
I took Alice to the vet after the attack, btw. She’s totally fine.
IT WAS JUST A FLESH WOUND.
(I bought some pepper spray. Shhhhh! It’s a surprise for Tequila)
I hope that after the nematodes kill the grubs, they will eat Tequila next.
Let’s see…what else?
We went to a derby party over at Stephen and Ceceley’s house. My horse did not win, but I didn’t care because I drank an ungodly amount of Mint Juleps and let Stephen take eleventy billion pictures of my porn face, which I will not show you mostly because I don’t really feel like going over to his flickr to find them right now, but I will show you a picture of me and Michele and some guy named Brian (I think) doing shots of bourbon:
Yes, I am mother of the year, thanks for asking. I do shots with my infant in my lap because I’m cool like that.
I’m also cool because I let my kid decorate her own fancy lady hat,
which I think came out really great. Those are feathers AND flowers, fyi.
Here’s mine. I made mine.
It has strawberries on it. And yes. I planned that shirt to blend into the wall because I am the original and best wall flower or wall strawberry or whatever. I have no idea why I look so pale. I’m probably dying or some such nonsense.
You should have seen me before I put on some bronzer.
Tequila’s trying to kill me. Probably.
PS: I ‘m going to start spelling my name like this: Cri$$y.
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I’m so glad that Alice is okay! Poor little pup. I kind of hate Tequila on your behalf. Possibly part of that has to do with the fact that her name is Tequila, and I always judge an animal by their name.
I don’t think anyone else could wear a strawberry hat as well as you do. Or that shade of green. An impressive feat.
CuppyCakes’s last blog post… Blames Nargles.
I have a BIG dog, like the size of a small horse. I will find out how much it costs to send him to your house to scare the shit (haha) out of tequila… and he wont crap on your lawn.
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cri$$y.
i like that.
i can spec out and buy some nematodes for the side-yard. i figure it’ll take about 20 million or so of them.
btw, my dick needs a massage after all that window work. saving ~$1k worth of labor costs is at least worth a playthrough!
Girlfriend! No! She looks SO GROWN UP! And that smile! And well? My God, she’s going to take over the world.
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I want a fancy hat occasion…
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My horse didn’t win either. And I didn’t have a hat. Or bourbon. Or mint juleps. I got robbed.
Cri$$y you are rockin that hat. Mister needs to get the shotgun ready because Girlfriend is going to have the boyfriends going crazy in a few years. She is beautiful. Where is Lucy’s hat? And yeah you owe Mister a playthrough while wearing the hat.
listen to susan. she’s a good woman.
Crissy’s Pimp’s last blog post… hey, here’re some new pics. why not?
ke$ha wishes she was rockin that strawberry hat. but she’s just not cool like that.
pattypunker’s last blog post… motherfucking oprah
I had to look up nematodes. I am so ashamed.
I was busy growing armpit hair for the farmers market occasion. I didn’t even realize there was horse racing. Isn’t horse racing politically un-correct? I hope so, because I was off saving the planet buy farmers marketing, while everyone else was watching horses.
Now if horse racing isn’t incorrect than I missed out!!
p.s. I’m afraid of mint juleps because in the past, I haven’t liked whiskey………I wonder if I do now?
I think I need some friends so I can have a cute hat wearing party.
As soon as I saw the picture of you drinking shots my favorite movie line popped into my head.
“you have a baby! …in a bar…
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I went to school with several Chrissys and never liked the name but I like Crissy and Cri$$y is even better.
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I am currently battling slugs in my garden.
Fuck that noise.
What’s up, universe? Can’t a queefie get a break?
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This is so ironic, because I was just hanging around the nematode store yesterday. Yeah.
Don’t feel bad, ¢ri$$y. I spent $400 on grass only a month or so ago and I don’t have any left either.
You make a very sexy strawberry. And Girlfriend is a perfectly beautiful vase for those lovely flowers.
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Mister you’ll need a shotgun for distance and a pistol for close range…………Is “Just Cleaning My Gun” by that one country singer your anthem?
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The Declaration of Independence
Think I can tell you that first sentence
But then I’m lost
I can’t begin to count the theories
I’ve had pounded in my head that I forgot
I don’t remember all that Spanish
Or the Gettysburg Address
But there is one speech from high school
I’ll never forget
Chorus:
Come on in boy, sit on down
And tell me ’bout yourself
So you like my daughter, do you now
Yeah we think she’s something else
She’s her daddy’s girl, her mama’s world
She deserves respect, that’s what she’ll get, ain’t it son
Now y’all run along and have some fun
I’ll see you when you get back
Bet I’ll be up all night
Still cleaning this gun
Well now that I’m a father
I’m scared to death one day my daughter is gonna find
That teenage boy I used to be
Who seems to have just one thing on his mind
She’s growing up so fast it won’t be long before,
I’ll have to put the fear of God
Into some kid at the door
Come on in boy, sit on down
And tell me ’bout yourself
So you like my daughter, do you now
Yeah we think she’s something else
She’s her daddy’s girl, her momma’s world
She deserves respect, that’s what she’ll get
Now ain’t it son, y’all go out, have some fun
I’ll see you when you get back
Probably be up all night
Still cleaning this gun
Now it’s all for show ain’t nobody gonna get hurt
It’s just a daddy thing, -n- hey, believe me, man it works
Now Come on in boy, sit on down
And tell me ’bout yourself
So you like my daughter, do you now
Yeah we think she’s something else
She’s her daddy’s girl, her momma’s world
She deserves respect, that’s what she’ll get
Ain’t it son, ya’ll run along and have a little fun
I’ll see you when you get back
Probably be up all night
Still cleaning this gun
Ha ha
Now son now y’all buckle up and have her back by 10, uh lets say 9…30
Drive safe
i asbolutely LOVE girlfriend’s hat! she has excellent taste. why didn’t i think to put feathers on my horserace hat? SIIIIGH.
Alice’s last blog post… big hats and popped collars
Oooooo! All the trouble because of Tequila is giving me angst! I hate it when people let their animals run wild! Sick her, nematodes! >:(
1. Your daughter is gorgeous.
2. Poison. That. Dog.
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I think that Tequila needs a nice antifreeze martini…
I love that you let Girlfriend decorate her own fancy lady hat, and it it she put a chair for Homeslice.
Doing shots with your baby in your lap is a requirement. It is called multitasking and is the sign of a true mother. You’re one bad ass ninja (just wanted to use that word somewhere today).
I hate to say that I prefer Girlfriend’s hat over yours. I think the flower and feather combo was great. Good luck with Tequila, I am currently trying to secretly poison my husband’s dog right now for eating my clothes and pissing on my bathroom floor.
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If I were putting windows in with my member, I’d make sure they weren’t the sash variety. That could end up with Mr becoming Miss.
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