50 ways to die on the way to the post office. Okay, maybe not 50, but at least 2.

Have I told you guys that I’m addicted to eBay? Well, I am.

I’ve been selling Homeslice’s baby clothes and rolling my Pay Pal money right over into purchases for new stuff for both kids.  My master plan is to keep this going and not have to spend non-Pay Pal money on kid’s clothes.  So far, this has been a total failure, but I’m going to keep at it because I love hopeless endeavors.

Well, on Monday I had to bring a prepaid package (because I’m slick like that) to the post office which happens to be in a comfortable walking distance from the house, so I leashed Alice up, packed Homeslice into her stroller, threw some sneakers (light up ones! I broke down and went to Stride Rite) on Girlfriend and off we went.

We didn’t even get past Earl and Maudette’s house when the first horrible trauma occurred.  Big, stupid Tequila was wandering around outside without her collar, as is usual, when she saw us across the street.  She came over and I could just tell by her body language that she wasn’t happy about Alice.  I put my leg in between them and could feel Tequila growl at Alice, and the next thing I knew, before I could do anything about it, she had Alice on her back and was attacking her throat and belly. I was totally powerless to stop her.  I grabbed fistfulls of flesh and tried to pull her off, but she had no collar on and there was nothing to grab.  I only outweigh her by a few pounds and if you’ve ever tried to pull an angry dog off someone or something, you know how fucked we were.  I was left standing there beating Tequila with my fists and screaming “NO! NO! NO!”  I watched Alice’s scared face as she yelped in pain.  She was not a dog in a fight.  She was a dog being eaten.

It was horrible, and it felt like ten minutes before Maudette came running out of her house in her nightgown and bare feet and literally jumped on Tequila’s back and threw herself over backward to stop her.  She sat there with her whole body holding Tequila back.  She was crying and bloody from scraping her legs on the curb.  Earl came out with a leash and brought Tequila away. Mister came running out, too.  He thought he was going to have to kill Tequila with his bare hands.

Alice is okay.  She has a couple of bites and bruises and she smelled sick for a day, but she seems to be feeling better now.

Fucking Tequila.

Earl and Maudette keep apologizing, but I’m still pissed.  It’s not like I can call the dog officer either.  They know all about Tequila and they never do anything.  They totally suck.  I’ve called them about another dog, an un-neutered male running around shitting everywhere, and they totally don’t care.

So Girlfriend was traumatized because who wouldn’t be? I was traumatized and shaky, Alice was  traumatized but not really bleeding, Homeslice was confused, but we continued on to the post office anyway.

Still shaking from the Tequila incident, I pressed the walk button to cross a busy street.  I waited.  The cars all stopped.  We started crossing the street, when some old lady decided that traffic was stopped for her and she pulled out of the side street behind me.  I heard her engine and the next thing I knew, she jammed on the brakes and only missed hitting Girlfriend by about 4 feet.

HOLY FUCK!

We got across the street in one piece, but I broke down crying and held Girlfriend as traffic resumed like it was no big deal.  That moment is still on constant replay in my head. I can’t seem to shake it.

I almost called Mister to come and pick us up, but I still had the balls to keep going to the post office.

We made it there and back and we didn’t go anywhere else for the rest of the day because clearly, an anvil was going to fall on our heads next or some such bullshit.

And then a couple of hours later, our postal carrier rang the bell.  I put the fucking eBay shit in the wrong fucking kind of envelope and they wouldn’t fucking take it.

And so the trip was a lesson in 50 ways to fucking die on the way to the post office.

I’m still all fucking fucked up.

Speaking of fucked up, I’m up at Toy with Me today talking about some crazy facts about orgasm that you probably didn’t know:  8 Little known Facts About Orgasms

Similar Posts:

23 comments

  1. I would still call the dog catcher and complain about the dog coming out and attacking. I would tell them that there is a leash law and what if it had attacked your children. I would then call the police. If the animal control does not do anything, ask for a supervisor and then write them a letter, get their name and write to them. Tell them you are a tax payer and you want something done. I would then tell the people with the dog that they would pay for the vet bills if you have to take your dog in. If you have an association, call them and complain. They usually write in the rules that you can’t have your dog running around and not on a leash.
    .-= Connie’s last blog post… My new kitchen =-.

  2. Keep calling the animal people. It’s complete bullshit that there are dogs wandering around your neighbourhood. I don’t care if they’re friends or neighbour’s dogs, if they’ve attacked YOUR animal in such a nature, they CAN be classed as a dangerous dog, and have an order put out on them.
    At least that’s how it happens in Australia. I don’t know about America…. but for reals. The dog attacked Alice. Keep complaining. You’ve got small kids, and if the dog is capeable of launching a full-scale attack on Alice, it’s completely capeable of launching the same on a small child if the small child does something the dog doesn’t like.
    I work with The Animals, and there’s no way a dog should be allowed to roam the neighbourhood chomping down on other dogs and whatnot.
    I’d take Alice to the vet anyway, if you haven’t already. I know they’re your neighbours, but are you 100% sure that dog was up-to-date with vaccinations and everything? Best to be sure.
    And lastly.. if the dog’s done that, and is roaming.. chances are it sees the whole neighbourhood as it’s ‘territory’, and you definitely don’t want a territorial dog out and about with your kidlets.
    .-= CuppyCakes’s last blog post… So This Is Being Social? =-.

  3. As a dog owner and lover, I have absolutely no tolerance for owners who don’t train their dogs, don’t put a collar on their dogs and just aren’t responsible for their dogs. I know it probably feels like it’s to no avail, but I would call the police about your neighbor’s dog. Each and every time it happens. We had a dog like that in our neighborhood and we were vigilant about calling anytime there was an event. Eventually, something was done, because we haven’t seen the dog for months.
    .-= Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks’s last blog post… Dogged =-.

  4. I’m so glad that you, GF, and HS are all okay. I’m sorry to hear that Alice was injured in any way – I can’t imagine the terror she (and you and GF) must have felt. That’s all I can say right now without getting all teary….

  5. Fuck, I’m glad you are all okay. That was a pretty rough trip there. I agree with the keep calling. Where I live, once a dog attacks anyone or animal, they will go get it then. Not before, because, hell let’s not stop the attacks from happening, but after the attack, cuz you know reaction is always better than action. Keep calling on the dog. Take a deep breathe and maybe stay in today too.
    .-= Yankee’s last blog post… The Never Ending Story =-.

  6. LIke I told you yesterday….SOOOOO glad you are all OK!!! I would take some photos of Alice’s injuries and include them with a letter to Animal Control. Eventually, they will have to listen. Be an advocate for your children, your pet and their safety. Go get ’em Crissy!!!

  7. Holy Fucking Shit!

    Poor Alice! But Tequila had better watch out. Alice may not be much of a fighter, but she’s a thinker. Tequila may just find herself getting magazines in the mail to which she never subscribed and having pizza deliveries she never ordered show up at her doghouse.

    I think you’re lucky to be alive after the run-in with the Old Person Behind The Wheel. Granny probably mowed down a marching band five minutes after she narrowly missed killing Girlfriend. It’s not that I think all old people should have their driver’s licenses revoked, but at the very least we could round them up and shoot them. Except the GILFs, I mean.
    .-= stoogepie’s last blog post… Great Stories of the Bible 4 =-.

  8. I was going to write a concerned comment echoing everyone’s “I’m so glad you all are safe” and “Tequila needs to be on lock-down STAT” sentiments.

    But then I read stooge’s comment. And really? GILFs? My day is made.
    .-= saratogajean’s last blog post… Yes, peacocks. =-.

  9. sick the GILF on tequila.

    poor baby, somedays don’t ya wanna just rip off the fucking black cloud halo that you feel like you’re wearing and go all postal on it? sorry i said, postal. : (
    .-= pattypunker’s last blog post… scat-a-tat-tat =-.

  10. Mass quantities of exlax in a dog treat for Tequila at the end of the day. Calling the police is for sissies, especially when payback can be much more rewarding!

    GILFs? Oh my. What’s next GGILF? Ewwwww

  11. So glad you guys are okay. If I were you, bring a mixture of half lemon juice, half water with you in a squirt bottle and squirt Tequila in the eyes with it next time he’s off leash. It won’t do any damage, just stings enough to get him to back off. Also, if Animal Control won’t help, report them to the SPCA, or go higher and go to state agencies. They’ll get back to you asap. That’s what I had to do in my neighborhood. You can also write letters to the editor for local papers and get them stirred up that way.

    And, to the dumb lady who tried to run you guys down, I hope you at least gave her some kind of one-finger salute. Oblivious + Driver’s License = Bad combination.

  12. I just emailed you about this! You’re psychic, you answered all my questions!

    What if you phrased it that the dog tried to attack Girlfriend but Alice went all superhero and took one for the team. I bet the lame assed authorities would be out then.
    .-= Dingo’s last blog post… Like A Rock =-.

  13. I’m glad you and the girls are okay – and the dog too.

    yet another reason for a V70.

    I’ve almost been mown down in the crosswalk – scared a week’s growth out of me.

  14. I’m pretty sure that once a dog bites anyone, the dog has to be put to sleep. You could fight this one. Take photos of your little girl’s wounds. They may come in handy. If you have a ruler or something, I’d put the ruler next to the bites so that IF you have to go to court, you can show some pretty good documentation of proof.
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… One Hundred Miles =-.

  15. For starters- you don’t call the dog officer, you call the cops. Having your dog off a leash, off your property, strike 1, dog attacking a person or animal, esp. an animal on a leash, strike two. In some places that is grounds for being put to sleep in others it is just a huge ass fine. Also, make sure Tequila has had all her shots so she didn’t pass anything onto Alice.
    Too bad it isn’t practical to go for a walk in heels. A stiletto to the dog’s eye, or the blind driver’s fender would have helped you feel a little bit better.
    .-= Tess’s last blog post… Wait, who are you again? =-.

  16. JAY-zus. That’s fricken scary. I’m so glad you’re OK, and also holy crap I don’t thinkj I would have made it to the library in your place.

    Also? Call the cops on that effing dog.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *