I’m too hot for a swim burka, thanks.

Guess what, Queefies?

I know you don’t like to hear this, but it’s almost bathing suit season.

I’m wicked sorry.

Hugs.

Remember last year when I searched and searched for a swimsuit that would cover my bodacious postpartum assical area?

And  remember how I cried in the dressing room at Marshall’s and Mister had to come in there and get me and take me home and feed me ice cream until the hurting in my heart went away?

Crap.

Did I not tell you about that?

And do you remember how much trouble I had trying to find jeans this winter after the whole Gap can suck it with their size 16/00 debacle? Don’t even get me started on the POOF! shoes again.

Well, bathing suits are a whole new level of wrong and what the fucking fuck?

It’s the same battle I have with clothing.  Everything is either made for teenage girls, or 75 year old women.  There’s no in between.  I’m totally opening a store called Forever 35 and I’m designing shit for all of us in that no-woman’s-land between high school and retirement home.

Anyway, I spent about 3 hours trying to find something from Victoria’s Secret and if you’ve ever ordered a swimsuit from them before then you know that A) if you don’t buy something in March to wear in June you’re shit out of luck because the thing you want will be on back order until October. B) They have one billionty styles, but somehow not one single thing that will look pretty on your particular particulars.  I don’t know how they manage it. But, I took the risk and ordered three suits which all turned out to be total losers, and I had to take it in the pooper for the return shipping.  Basically, I spent $20 to have my self-esteem assaulted. What a deal!

My beloved Target has lots to choose from as long as you want a triangle top string bikini with mis-matched top and bottoms because there’s no way in Hades you’re going to find a matching top and bottom in your size.  There are an awful lot of woefully disproportionate people out there, Queefies.  I don’t want a string bikini anyway.  I’m almost 36 and although I don’t have stretch marks and I’m in pretty decent shape thanks to my sweaty lesbian friend, Jillian, I don’t feel comfortable in a string bikini.  But, I don’t want to totally pack it in and get a swim burqa either

Actually, I think they’re called “burkinis.”

You know it’s bad when even the model can’t rock it.

And so the Internet search began and you know what, Queefies?

Thanks to a head’s up from Melissa Lion, I found something!

There IS a place where a girl can find something not too stringy, but not too burqua-ish and it is called Popina Swimwear.

I wanted something like that little blue number I had last year that reminded me of  vintage swimwear, like a pin-up girl type thing, and they totally have a ton of stuff just like that! They have a bunch of cute tankinis which I looked at and loved.  They also have  Jantzen Swimwear ,and they make a ton of cute stuff, too.  I came very close to getting this:

Because meow, my friends.

It’s freaking adorable.  I might actually turn around and order it because the more I look at it, the more I kind of want it like a lot and a lot.

But instead of a vintage one piece swimsuit, I decided on this two-piece one for now:

Do you know how hard it is to find a bra top bikini top?  It’s damn near impossible because everything is a triangle or a halter style.  Neither of those look good on me at all.  I need the straps to break up my broad shoulders and also I need them to lift the girls because I’m sorry to tell you Queefies that the glory and the splendor of last year’s nursing boobies have all but disappeared now.  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  Literally.

I think we should take a moment of silence….

(                                                                                                       )

And I picked out these bottoms to go with it because my hipster underpanties are flattering on me and so I figured these would be good.

So yeah.  It looks all kinds of awesome, and I get to feel like I’m better than everyone on the beach because my swimsuit came from a small, woman-owned business AND it didn’t cost me eleventy billion dollars either.

Suck it, Victoria’s Secret! I’m rockin’ the hotness this year.

OMG… Popina just sent me an email because of this post and are offering an extra 10% discount just for you Queefs!  Just use discount code “pamster” to get the deal.

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25 comments

  1. Y’all ALWAYS rock the hotness, Crissy! Glad you found a swimsuit you like.

    I’d totally get one of those burquinis, except that it needs to come with a calf-length skirt bottom because it’ll be a cold day in Hades before I ever put on another pair of pants. Trust me, NO ONE needs to see me in pants (I’ve been a skirt/dress woman for a LONG time now)

    Looking forward to this summer’s QOFE rocks the pool pictures!
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Sunday already? =-.

  2. I like the red one piece you have pictures. That is pretty. Last year I wanted a swim suit. I tried on everything in the store and hated them all. I bought this one that has a little skirt. I wore it to the beach and when it got wet, it got heavy and long and I hated it. I threw it away. If you ever go to a beach on the ocean, they have these beach stores that carry lots of pretty swimsuits. I am going to Myrtle beach in May and I will have to go find a swimsuit there.
    .-= Connie’s last blog post… My new kitchen =-.

  3. The thing I don’t understand about swimsuits is that just because I got the rack doesn’t mean I’m all fat everywhere. So if I want the suit that holds in the girls, I’m supposed to want a skirt? Sigh. There has been much, much crying over swimwear in my life.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… My Guns =-.

  4. Love me some Popina. That one piece must be new because I didn’t see it last year when I bought my swimsuit — it is so cute.

    Yay Popina rules!!! You hear me comments section — they RULE.

    I love Popina.
    .-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… New Art =-.

  5. The Burkini scares me. A LOT. But what you found is awesome! I have a wicked hard time trying to find a swimsuit that can hold my ladies up because sadly they tend to flop down a lot.

    Let me know when you open the Forever 35 store. I need to shop there.
    .-= Marie’s last blog post… Silliness Knows No Bounds =-.

  6. Did you hear that Jillian is officially bi? I saw that on the internets recently, and you know that means it’s true.

    And I am ignoring the whole fallen girls bit because I refuse to admit that is going to happen to me. I followed everyone’s advice and nursed – it’s natural and healthy and cheap! No one tells you it destroys the girls 🙁 So while I’m still nursing, I am choosing to live in ignorance.

  7. LOVE the red popina! And I don’t even want to think about trying to get sand out of a burkina.

    Are you going to offer Queef discounts to your Forever 35 store?
    .-= Dingo’s last blog post… Like A Rock =-.

  8. I’ll never find a swimsuit that looks right on me, because I”m all wrong….it’s that bad Crissy and friends………….people would run the other way if they saw me in a swimsuit……I just need shorts and a t-shirt or something.
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… One Hundred Miles =-.

  9. I would definitley shop at Forever 35. Everytime I go to buy jeans I have to endure the ultra low ass cleavage of the juniors section or the over your rib cage just under your boobs of the women’s section. I would love an in between. I may also go check out this swimsuit site. We have a boat which my husband fully expects to use this summer and I have to camoflauge some of the joey puch my kids left behind.
    .-= Sabreena’s last blog post… Theaters; A Brave New World =-.

  10. Thank God someone else is calling BS on that lame ass VS store. I spoke with a customer service zombie last week and she told me, “well, ALL of our suit bottoms are either cheeky or modest coverage. We don’t DO full coverage.” Like, any woman who doesn’t want part of her ass to hang out of her suit would never dare shop at VS. Well, she’s right about part of that one, cause I sure won’t shop with them again! And all the cheeky bottoms scare the bejesus out of me, as I picture teeny boppers prancing down Narragansett Beach with almost thongs and it makes me want to cry. I’ll be the bitch at E. Matunuck hiding in the mumu,

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