Guess what, Queefies?
I know you don’t like to hear this, but it’s almost bathing suit season.
I’m wicked sorry.
Remember last year when I searched and searched for a swimsuit that would cover my bodacious postpartum assical area?
And remember how I cried in the dressing room at Marshall’s and Mister had to come in there and get me and take me home and feed me ice cream until the hurting in my heart went away?
Did I not tell you about that?
Well, bathing suits are a whole new level of wrong and what the fucking fuck?
It’s the same battle I have with clothing. Everything is either made for teenage girls, or 75 year old women. There’s no in between. I’m totally opening a store called Forever 35 and I’m designing shit for all of us in that no-woman’s-land between high school and retirement home.
Anyway, I spent about 3 hours trying to find something from Victoria’s Secret and if you’ve ever ordered a swimsuit from them before then you know that A) if you don’t buy something in March to wear in June you’re shit out of luck because the thing you want will be on back order until October. B) They have one billionty styles, but somehow not one single thing that will look pretty on your particular particulars. I don’t know how they manage it. But, I took the risk and ordered three suits which all turned out to be total losers, and I had to take it in the pooper for the return shipping. Basically, I spent $20 to have my self-esteem assaulted. What a deal!
My beloved Target has lots to choose from as long as you want a triangle top string bikini with mis-matched top and bottoms because there’s no way in Hades you’re going to find a matching top and bottom in your size. There are an awful lot of woefully disproportionate people out there, Queefies. I don’t want a string bikini anyway. I’m almost 36 and although I don’t have stretch marks and I’m in pretty decent shape thanks to my sweaty lesbian friend, Jillian, I don’t feel comfortable in a string bikini. But, I don’t want to totally pack it in and get a swim burqa either
Actually, I think they’re called “burkinis.”
You know it’s bad when even the model can’t rock it.
And so the Internet search began and you know what, Queefies?
Thanks to a head’s up from Melissa Lion, I found something!
There IS a place where a girl can find something not too stringy, but not too burqua-ish and it is called Popina Swimwear.
I wanted something like that little blue number I had last year that reminded me of vintage swimwear, like a pin-up girl type thing, and they totally have a ton of stuff just like that! They have a bunch of cute tankinis which I looked at and loved. They also have Jantzen Swimwear ,and they make a ton of cute stuff, too. I came very close to getting this:
Because meow, my friends.
It’s freaking adorable. I might actually turn around and order it because the more I look at it, the more I kind of want it like a lot and a lot.
But instead of a vintage one piece swimsuit, I decided on this two-piece one for now:
Do you know how hard it is to find a bra top bikini top? It’s damn near impossible because everything is a triangle or a halter style. Neither of those look good on me at all. I need the straps to break up my broad shoulders and also I need them to lift the girls because I’m sorry to tell you Queefies that the glory and the splendor of last year’s nursing boobies have all but disappeared now. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Literally.
I think we should take a moment of silence….
And I picked out these bottoms to go with it because my hipster underpanties are flattering on me and so I figured these would be good.
So yeah. It looks all kinds of awesome, and I get to feel like I’m better than everyone on the beach because my swimsuit came from a small, woman-owned business AND it didn’t cost me eleventy billion dollars either.
Suck it, Victoria’s Secret! I’m rockin’ the hotness this year.
OMG… Popina just sent me an email because of this post and are offering an extra 10% discount just for you Queefs! Just use discount code “pamster” to get the deal.