Needful Things

Do you think these sandals are cute? (these aren’t exactly the same ones, but they’re similar)

They’re not very glamorous, but those days of hot shoes are all done for me.  You cannot chase some kids around in hot shoes without dying and so these are pretty good.

They’re Borns, and if you’ve ever owned a pair of Born shoes, then you know the joy I felt when I found them, the only pair left at Marshall’s, for only $30.

I about did a happy dance and shouted “SUCK IT! THEY’RE MINE!” as I walked through the store showing them to everyone.

I thought these would be the sandals for me–the ones to go to the zoo and the playground and the grocery store and everything all summer long (I’m totally over flip-flops, aren’t you), and they actually make my ankles looks skinny and they go with everything and I’m just in love with them.

Or at least I was in love with them.

As it turns out, they’re really Satan’s Sandals.

The first time I wore them, they were totally fine.

The second time I wore them they seemed to have sprung some sort of a leak because they started making a poofy sound when I walk.

You know what I mean, right?

It’s like, “step POOF! step POOF! step POOF!”

It’s like I’m farting with every step.

So that’s kind of annoying, right? But whatever. I can deal with it because they look good.

So I wear them yesterday and now the non-poofy shoe has developed a creak and now when I walk it’s “creak, POOF! creak, POOF! creak, POOF!”

Okay, well that sucks, but still. If I go somewhere noisy, nobody will notice.

But then, Queefies, I noticed that they gave my baby toes redness and hurtyness and THAT IS THE LAST STRAW!

Fuck these fucking shoes.

Hurt and humiliation are not what I look for in a sandal.

I can’t even return them because it’s Marshall’s, and I threw all the stuff away already. So now I guess it’ll have to be “step, creak, POOF! OW!, step, creak, POOF! OW!”


And don’t even get me started on the frustration of having to find sandals for Girlfriend. We’ve been to five stores and endured countless diva-style try-ons where Girlfriend either refuses to try them on, or she puts them on and kicks them across the store because she hates them and can I ask you something, Queefies?  WHY ARE THEY MAKING HIGH HEELED SANDALS FOR FIVE-YEAR-OLDS?

Don’t little kids run anymore? I want a pair of cushiony flat sandals that my kid can run in without having them fall off or twist her ankle, and I mayn’t have them. They don’t make that kind, and if they do, they don’t make them in a size 12.

I tried to get her a pair of sneakers. She wants Skechers that light up when she walks. That seems simple enough, right? Nay, nay. I spent approximately three hours of library time trying to find some fucking light-up Skechers for under $50. The good citizens of Schmuckytown will weep when they hear about this. I finally found them at, and so after verifying with several different sites that this particular style does, in fact, light up, I ordered them. They arrived yesterday and guess what? They sent the wrong fucking shoes. These don’t fucking light up.

So I have to go kick some ass at Sears today.

Those Fucktards.


Do you think I should play the blogger card on them? Should I be all “I write a hugely popular blog (it’s okay to lie a little bit when you’re being an irate customer) and I think the Internet would be very interested to know that Sears cannot get their shit together enough to send the correct thing, and to make it up to me you need to refund the shipping costs and give me a free lawnmower.”

They don’t need to know that I already told the Internet about the epic asshattery. Shhhhh!

So yes. I feel like I’m in that movie where people buy the things they’ve always wanted and then it turns out that the thing is infused with evil.

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  1. I heard a long time ago that some women wear shoes with razor blades and pins sewn into them and tiny holes in the soles to let the blood seep out because they are The Most Beautiful Shoes In The World.

    So you are not alone, QOFE.

    I play the blogger card all the time. I say, “I am friends with Crissy, who has a hugely popular blog and who happens to be the Queen of Fucking Everything for chrissake!” That is how I get blowjobs.
    .-= stoogepie’s last blog post… Great Stories of the Bible 4 =-.

  2. WOW! I don’t think I can beat Stoogepie…my tales of using your name have only resulted in extra sugar packets being bequeathed to me at Starbucks…no oral sex–but maybe I’m telling the wrong people!

    ps-check out striderite for the shoes–they’re the only ones that stay together for Faryn for more than 1 week without looking like refugee shoes.

  3. I’m pretty sure I just heard a news bit about a company agreeing to remove their line of children’s bikinis that had padded tops. Because, you know, little girls who are five should be traipsing around the pool in their padded bikini top and 3-inch heels.

  4. Wear them out in the rain. That will stretch out the leather AND squish them down enough to make them stop poofing. I swear by this. That, and I’m incredibly hard on nice shoes.

    And Girlfriend just needs new converse. Tell her to sack the fuck up. Wouldn’t that be a great thing to come out of her mouth? Sack the fuck up, daddy.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… All Kinds of Special =-.

  5. i’ve had the fart shoes too. so embarrassing. especially wearing them at work where it’s quiet and i’m on my to the bathroom just tooting the whole way. i want to tell everyone within earshot, “it’s the shoes with the man-made synthetic uppers and not me!! i swear.”

    anyway, that shouldn’t happen with borns.

    i’m so pulling the blogger card. love it! only in my case it really will be a huge lie.
    .-= pattypunker’s last blog post… flogging patty =-.

  6. Try payless (if they have it up there?) for girlfriend. I got both of my girls cute white sandals there and it was the buy one get one half off so they were cheap! Here they are My older girl has had two pairs and never a blister. They also have them in white and in size 12 (that is what my daughter wears). Good luck!

  7. I cried at the condoms for 12-14 yr olds, but I guess it actually makes sense if they’re marketing PADDED bikinis for BABIES!! I’ve seen the high heeled little girl shoes and thought it was awful. But if Nilsa’s info is correct, no wonder 12-14 yr olds need condoms – the girls are all whorey at a young age! Makes me really cry for my daughter….

  8. K8- Hahahahaha! Sack the fuck up! Hahahahahaha! She has THREE adorable pairs of all-stars and she refuses to wear them because they don’t light up. WTF?

  9. Actually, I think Christian owns a shoe store and he’s offering to send me a pair of shoes because he is very concerned that I won’t have any to wear.

  10. I think you should pull the blog card only if you can’t get anywhere beforehand….

    I have a crappy blog and haven’t threatened to use it……BUT I do write a pretty good letter of complaint…….

    I wrote Pottery Barn Kids about the sheet set the $100 sheet set my mom bought for my son….the elastic broke in the fitted sheet………..I told them about it and asked what they planned to do to restore my brand loyalty and let me tell you….They Did Me Good!
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… Terrific was born to Magnificant =-.

  11. Kohl’s online has Disney Princess Light Up Sandals on sale for $14.99. Bought a pair for my niece. They are basically white with some princess crap on them. My niece is in love with them. They have rubber padded soles and are flat. I didn’t see them in person, but I ordered online and had them sent to my niece who declared them “perfect”. They have sz. 12. I love Born too, but bought a pair of sandals (at Marshall’s, go figure) last year and they are so slick on the bottom I almost kill myself every time I wear them. I got screwed on that deal for $40.

  12. I was looking at those Borns!!! I’m so glad you wrote that because I might have bought them. I have their little red flats with the flower on the toe — OMG love.

    But I too need sandals.

    As to kids’ shoes, I’ve been enduring the same thing with Arch. All he wants is super heroes on his shoes. GOD, THIS ISN’T PROJECT RUNWAY!!!
    .-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… New Life, Indeed =-.

  13. I have previously owned Borns. They all made annoying noises. After the second or third pair like that, I wrote them off. Now, I suck it up and pay more for shoes that don’t fart or burp. As for kids’ shoes, the prices are insulting. They charge that because they can, and I hate that there’s not a lot I can do about it. Try looking on the Stride Rite website. They have shoes that light up, and often have online specials.
    .-= carrie meadows’s last blog post… Little Eats =-.

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