Yesterday was my Friday and thank jeebus because I’m ty-id. And I’m very excited because I’m on vacation next week. Mister and I both took time off so we could hang out and relax and have some fun!
I’m going to take care of the kids and try to get some stuff done while he installs 3 new windows (suck my dick, Historical Society. I get what I want.) and replaces the clutch in his car and starts work on the patio so he can finish the deck so we can move the gazebo so we can put in a swing set.
You’re really glad you’re not Mister right now, aren’t you?
We’ve been doing what we can to make our dreams for the house a reality, and also we’re trying desperately to gentrify our neighborhood, but so far, it’s just us and the Richard and Micheles and we’re meeting some heavy resistance from the Earl and Maudette direction.
They have a dumptruck now. They park it right in between the RV and the motorboat full of old tires but in front of the flatbed with a pickup truck on it.
Also, they got a puppy! So now in addition to big, stupid Tequila dumping in our yard, the puppy comes over too. It dug a hole under our fence so it could come and play with Alice.
Their daughter gave birth in an ambulance outside the house yesterday morning.
Last night, Homeslice kept waking up because they rented some sort of bulldozer thing and were loudly bulldozing the shit out of their backyard until about 11:00. Can’t they bulldoze quieter for shit’s sake?
I wish I were making this up for comedic effect, but I’m not. It is all so very sadly true.
I love Earl and Maudette though. I really do! They’re actually very sweet people and without them, there would be nothing to look at while I make dinner. I love when Maudette stumbles around on the roof of the RV with a ciggie in her mouth, and a beer in her hand. I don’t know why she does this, but someday I will video it for you. It’s very entertaining.
Also, Earl is kind of sexy. Michele sees it too. If I were going to have sex with one of the neighbors, it would be Earl and not say, Ted from the paint store. He’s creepy in a “I’m so nice and artificially calm you just know I’ve got a retarded gimp chained up in the basement” kind of way.
But the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and Earl and Maudette’s son, not the one with all the nails and the rabbit cage, the other son, Sonny McHotSon, is a little sexy too. Plus, he’s a very hard worker with a shirtless landscaping business (hence the dumptruck and other farm equipment).
And poor Mister can’t handle all the patio stuff by himself!
Well, he could, but he can’t really haul stone for the patio with his Subaru in one trip.
And so, because I am a good and loving wife, I went over to Earl and Maudette’s house to ask Sonny McHotSon if he could help Mister out. His dumptruck has “stone work” written right on the side there and so I took it upon myself to wear my new capri pants and my new tee-shirt with the pink unicorn on it (because everyone knows landscapers like unicorns) and my Very Berry lipstain that Drew Barrymore says is super sexy and I went over there to talk to him.
You’re welcome, Mister.
And I was all “hey, Sonny” and he was all “hey” and he said he’d be happy to help out, and I may or may not have postured and/or rolled around on the hood of his landscaping truck with my thong hanging out of my low-rise capris, and I may or may not have accidentally brushed against his crotchals when I left, and I may or may not have put on my best Mrs. Robinson swagger either. I mayn’t have.
Or I may’ve. I can’t remember.
I’m just looking forward to watching Sonny McHotSon take his shirt off in my yard.
Maybe his dad will come over…
PS: In case any of you feel bad for Mister that I’m lusting after the Farm People next door, don’t. I caught him and his friend out in the backyard with a pair of binoculars pointed at the single mom’s house. They were “looking at the roof.” At night.