Koo-Koo-Ka-Choo!

Yesterday was my Friday and thank jeebus because I’m ty-id. And I’m very excited because I’m on vacation next week. Mister and I both took time off so we could hang out and relax and have some fun!

NOT.

I’m going to take care of the kids and try to get some stuff done while he installs 3 new windows (suck my dick, Historical Society. I get what I want.) and replaces the clutch in his car and starts work on the patio so he can finish the deck so we can move the gazebo so we can put in a swing set.

You’re really glad you’re not Mister right now, aren’t you?

We’ve been doing what we can to make our dreams for the house a reality, and also we’re trying desperately to gentrify our neighborhood, but so far, it’s just us and the Richard and Micheles and we’re meeting some heavy resistance from the Earl and Maudette direction.

They have a dumptruck now. They park it right in between the RV and the motorboat full of old tires but in front of the flatbed with a pickup truck on it.

Also, they got a puppy! So now in addition to big, stupid Tequila dumping in our yard, the puppy comes over too. It dug a hole under our fence so it could come and play with Alice.

Their daughter gave birth in an ambulance outside the house yesterday morning.

Last night, Homeslice kept waking up because they rented some sort of bulldozer thing and were loudly bulldozing the shit out of their backyard until about 11:00. Can’t they bulldoze quieter for shit’s sake?

I wish I were making this up for comedic effect, but I’m not. It is all so very sadly true.

I love Earl and Maudette though. I really do! They’re actually very sweet people and without them, there would be nothing to look at while I make dinner. I love when Maudette stumbles around on the roof of the RV with a ciggie in her mouth, and a beer in her hand. I don’t know why she does this, but someday I will video it for you. It’s very entertaining.

Also, Earl is kind of sexy. Michele sees it too. If I were going to have sex with one of the neighbors, it would be Earl and not say, Ted from the paint store. He’s creepy in a “I’m so nice and artificially calm you just know I’ve got a retarded gimp chained up in the basement” kind of way.

But the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and Earl and Maudette’s son, not the one with all the nails and the rabbit cage, the other son, Sonny McHotSon, is a little sexy too. Plus, he’s a very hard worker with a shirtless landscaping business (hence the dumptruck and other farm equipment).

And poor Mister can’t handle all the patio stuff by himself!

Well, he could, but he can’t really haul stone for the patio with his Subaru in one trip.

And so, because I am a good and loving wife, I went over to Earl and Maudette’s house to ask Sonny McHotSon if he could help Mister out. His dumptruck has “stone work” written right on the side there and so I took it upon myself to wear my new capri pants and my new tee-shirt with the pink unicorn on it (because everyone knows landscapers like unicorns) and my Very Berry lipstain that Drew Barrymore says is super sexy and I went over there to talk to him.

I know.

You’re welcome, Mister.

And I was all “hey, Sonny” and he was all “hey” and he said he’d be happy to help out, and I may or may not have postured and/or rolled around on the hood of his landscaping truck with my thong hanging out of my low-rise capris, and I may or may not have accidentally brushed against his crotchals when I left, and I may or may not have put on my best Mrs. Robinson swagger either. I mayn’t have.

Or I may’ve. I can’t remember.

I’m just looking forward to watching Sonny McHotSon take his shirt off in my yard.

Maybe his dad will come over…

PS: In case any of you feel bad for Mister that I’m lusting after the Farm People next door, don’t. I caught him and his friend out in the backyard with a pair of binoculars pointed at the single mom’s house. They were “looking at the roof.” At night.

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23 comments

  1. I’m downright positive that if any jackass neighbor (regardless of whether I like them or not) was bulldozing after 9 or 10 at night, I’d be on the phone with the police. Strike that, if I really liked them, I’d kindly ask them to stop. Otherwise, I’d be all 911 on their ass.

  2. Better watch that Sonny McHotSun because before you know it Girlfriend will be the teenage hot thing and he will be looking at her with binoculars. I bet he secretly binoculars you Crissy. Can I sit in a lawn chair in your yard and just watch the activity this weekend? You people have all the fun. Mister take photos for us along with the million other thngs you are doing.

  3. Wow! Do you ever live in the cool hood! All I have liv’n round me is a bunch of crabby old retired guys who have nothing to do but cut the grass 20 bizillion times a week. I like to let the dandilions grow and watch them all fret and worry about what will happen to their ‘perfect” lawns when they start to go to seed.

  4. Pimp – Love the blast from the past! Classic for anybody who has lived next to a dog owner who let’s their dog run free to soil the neighborhood. I have a neighbor who likes to toss out her cigarette butts as she drives down the street. I have been wanting to gather up a bunch of them and toss them in her lawn, on her car, on her roof.

  5. I know you love them, but if you ever tire of Maudette and Earl’s collection of random shit in their yard, you can always make an anonymous call to code enforcement. I may or may not have done that when my neighbor (in my old neighborhood) let his collection of run down cars add up to three in the driveway and one parked wrong way on the street. These were small driveways and houses, so four was about 3 too many. He wasn’t even working on them, just apparently collecting them.

    But of course, he didn’t have a dumptruck or an RV with a woman tottering about the roof.

  6. Please videotape the whole cuckold thing.

    I live in NYC in a tall apartment building so can totally relate to this post. The only trashy neighbors I really know live directly downstairs from me. Living with their very Earl-and-Maudette-like parents are two strawberry blonds who wear sexy uniforms to their secular high school every day. They are, like, 26 and 27 years old or something.

    I have a telescope on the deck. I look at roofs at night, too. It’s the shingles. Gotta love those shingles.
    .-= stoogepie’s last blog post… Great Stories of the Bible 4 =-.

  7. All I’m thinking is that you need to video the hot son doing work in your back yard without his shirt ………so you can, ummm, get a good before and after video put together or something……those things are important….Homeslice might want to know what her deck looked like before it was all fabulous. Or something
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… Happy Birthday Joey =-.

  8. You have interesting neighbors. None of my neighbors seem to speak English so I’m really not sure if they are interesting or not.

    And I am wondering just how many shingled roofs there are in Stoogie’s part of NYC.

    And I have to admit that if my “vacation” plans were anything like Mister’s, I’d be plenty bummed out.
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Catch up and follow up =-.

  9. Reserve a room at the closest hotel………..the girl child and I will be arriving Saturday morning for Survivor: Rhode IslandI!! 😉

    No alcohols for us, but we’ll be bringing an extra camera, poop scooper and periscope!! 🙂

  10. We have neighbours like that. They go to the store in their PJs. In Ireland, apparently, they have a thing called the”pyjama index” to measure the economy – it’s the amount of people in the street in their sleepware, because they see no point in getting dressed. Only my neighbours all work (surfacing roads and hauling breakdowns, admittedly) and just do it as a statement. What does that say?
    .-= Philip Smith’s last blog post… A little more ordinariness, please =-.

  11. ps: i discovered the reason for the bulldozing/end loading was to smash an old pickup truck that had been in an accident a year or two ago and had been placed in the back yard.

    it is now a much smaller pile of steel. still in the back yard though.

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