Lemon Fiasco Cake

If you know me at all, you know that I can’t make a cake to save my life and that I out and out refuse to let cake win.  I insist on getting this right and NOT winding up like Julianne Moore in that scene from The Hours when she frosts the cake, dumps it in the trash, and abandons her family forever, even though after all the celebrations we’ve had where I’ve brought some sort of abortion and made everyone eat it for dessert, they probably wish I’d run away forever.  I don’t blame them at all.  Dessert is important.  I should be left for dead on an iceberg or something.

Remember last Zombie Jesus Day’s disaster?

And then Girlfriend’s My Little Pony birthday atrocity?

Well, this Easter I present to you Lemon Fiasco Cake.

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Ya-ta-da-da!!

It was supposed to be a lemon cake with lemon filling and buttercream frosting and I followed the directions exactly and made the whole thing from scratch and when I went to frost it after putting the filling on the middle layer, it started splooshing out the sides and it was horrible, just horrible.

I tried to make it work, but eventually I had to give up because  the frosting wouldn’t stick to the places where the filling splooshed out and without frosting covering the whole thing, you could totally see the burned parts and it kind of looked like raw egg yolk dripping out of the middle of the cake and UGH!

Ew.

And poor Girlfriend, she’s so sweet, she was standing on a chair next to me at the counter going “it’s okay mama!  I like it!  It looks…really great!  Yeah! Delicious!”

I wound up calling my mother, hysterical, and asking her to bring some sort of replacement dessert because Lemon Fiasco Cake was not going to be gracing my table if I had anything to say about it, so she sent my brother out for something edible, but she still made me serve the Lemon Fiasco Cake anyway because she’s fucking evil.

And I told everyone it said right there on the recipe that the cake was “light and fluffy” and they all  laughed.

I didn’t think it was THAT funny.

Assholes.

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27 comments

  1. I love it! And I would totally have served it. But only because my family would laugh and my brother would probably take a bite and then do “see food” and let pieces of it fall out of his mouth and people would take pictures. Because that’s who we are.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… Easter =-.

  2. Maybe you should make a bundt cake with a glaze or something to help build your confidence. Those are pretty easy…

    I’m with the others…how did it taste?

  3. It helps if you chill the filling and make sure the cake is room temperature before adding the second layer on top. It looks like it tasted good – most super fancy cakes have gross frosting and flavor anyway!

  4. Freeze the filled cake for awhile before you frost it? I love making cakes from scratch even though they never look that great and are rarely light and fluffy. I’ve made a few kids’ birthday cakes that had to be propped and staked with toothpicks and skewers so the layers didn’t slide into a giant pile of goo. I think it’s supposed to be the thought that counts anyway. And as long as the frosting tastes good, it’s ALL good!

  5. Well, I’m no expert, QOFE, but it seems to me that if you had let it chill in the fridge for two hours and, while it was cooling, gone to a bakery and bought a cake, everything would have worked out perfectly. This works for every cake you ever bake, so write it down somewhere.

    I hope at least that the porn you had with the cake was good.
    .-= stoogepie’s last blog post… Great Stories of the Bible 4 =-.

  6. I dunno Crissy, it looks delicious. It’s a little messy. Who gives a shit? My mother used to say that it all gets mooshed up in your stomach, anyway. And I don’t usually quote my mother.

  7. This post has touched me.
    I go thu the SAME THING. The naive optimism, the effort, the frustration, the anger. People are kind but they just don’t understand: none of the tips ever work. We follow the recipes EXACTLY and yet we still end up disappointed and sticky…

    We should take a class-isn’t there a school in these parts?…….. Penis and Dolphins, or something?……..

    …..no!- Johnson and Wales!..THATS it.

    We’ll take a little class just as soon as the nannies arrive .

  8. I tried to make a cake with layers and a Boston cream filling and it sounded so delicious and looked fabulous in the picture but when I actually tried to put it together the EXACT same thing happened. With the squishing out the side and the mess and the awfulness. It did taste good though. Kind of.

  9. Your cake actually still looks edible. Did anybody try any of it, at least? Maybe if you start a new tradition where everybody has to eat their dessert blindfolded, you’d do better.

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