Have I told you guys that I’m addicted to eBay? Well, I am.
I’ve been selling Homeslice’s baby clothes and rolling my Pay Pal money right over into purchases for new stuff for both kids. My master plan is to keep this going and not have to spend non-Pay Pal money on kid’s clothes. So far, this has been a total failure, but I’m going to keep at it because I love hopeless endeavors.
Well, on Monday I had to bring a prepaid package (because I’m slick like that) to the post office which happens to be in a comfortable walking distance from the house, so I leashed Alice up, packed Homeslice into her stroller, threw some sneakers (light up ones! I broke down and went to Stride Rite) on Girlfriend and off we went.
We didn’t even get past Earl and Maudette’s house when the first horrible trauma occurred. Big, stupid Tequila was wandering around outside without her collar, as is usual, when she saw us across the street. She came over and I could just tell by her body language that she wasn’t happy about Alice. I put my leg in between them and could feel Tequila growl at Alice, and the next thing I knew, before I could do anything about it, she had Alice on her back and was attacking her throat and belly. I was totally powerless to stop her. I grabbed fistfulls of flesh and tried to pull her off, but she had no collar on and there was nothing to grab. I only outweigh her by a few pounds and if you’ve ever tried to pull an angry dog off someone or something, you know how fucked we were. I was left standing there beating Tequila with my fists and screaming “NO! NO! NO!” I watched Alice’s scared face as she yelped in pain. She was not a dog in a fight. She was a dog being eaten.
It was horrible, and it felt like ten minutes before Maudette came running out of her house in her nightgown and bare feet and literally jumped on Tequila’s back and threw herself over backward to stop her. She sat there with her whole body holding Tequila back. She was crying and bloody from scraping her legs on the curb. Earl came out with a leash and brought Tequila away. Mister came running out, too. He thought he was going to have to kill Tequila with his bare hands.
Alice is okay. She has a couple of bites and bruises and she smelled sick for a day, but she seems to be feeling better now.
Earl and Maudette keep apologizing, but I’m still pissed. It’s not like I can call the dog officer either. They know all about Tequila and they never do anything. They totally suck. I’ve called them about another dog, an un-neutered male running around shitting everywhere, and they totally don’t care.
So Girlfriend was traumatized because who wouldn’t be? I was traumatized and shaky, Alice was traumatized but not really bleeding, Homeslice was confused, but we continued on to the post office anyway.
Still shaking from the Tequila incident, I pressed the walk button to cross a busy street. I waited. The cars all stopped. We started crossing the street, when some old lady decided that traffic was stopped for her and she pulled out of the side street behind me. I heard her engine and the next thing I knew, she jammed on the brakes and only missed hitting Girlfriend by about 4 feet.
We got across the street in one piece, but I broke down crying and held Girlfriend as traffic resumed like it was no big deal. That moment is still on constant replay in my head. I can’t seem to shake it.
I almost called Mister to come and pick us up, but I still had the balls to keep going to the post office.
We made it there and back and we didn’t go anywhere else for the rest of the day because clearly, an anvil was going to fall on our heads next or some such bullshit.
And then a couple of hours later, our postal carrier rang the bell. I put the fucking eBay shit in the wrong fucking kind of envelope and they wouldn’t fucking take it.
And so the trip was a lesson in 50 ways to fucking die on the way to the post office.
I’m still all fucking fucked up.
Speaking of fucked up, I’m up at Toy with Me today talking about some crazy facts about orgasm that you probably didn’t know: 8 Little known Facts About Orgasms