Hey Queefies!

I didn’t forget about you guys!  My new purse came in and I’ve been busy taking her out to all my favorite places and showing her the ropes a little bit.

I’ve been awake since 1:00 this morning WELCOME TO MY ANXIETY DISORDER and so I’m slightly…how you say…   Fucked up?

And so, I’m sending you guys over to my bff Rachel’s brandy new blog.

She’s funny.

You’ll love her.

Go see.

DO IT!

This post is full of announcements, just fyi.

First:

Check this out, y’all! My bestickered crotch is featured on vajazzling.com!

Me and Jennifer Love Hewett are bffs now, so I win!

Suck on that, bitches.

Also, Homeslice is crawling now.

I couldn’t wait until she could crawl, but now I sort of want her to cut it out.  It’s like, “You GO little ninja!” and then it’s like “GIT BACK IN YER CAGE OR I’LL GIT THE HOSE!”

A couple of days ago, I was loading the dishwasher and when I turned around, she had a mouth full of dog food.  At least it was Iambs, right?  Because I’d never feed my baby any of that Purina shit.  Only premium dog food for my kid!

And she ate a ladybug off the bathroom floor while I watched in soapy horror from behind the shower doors.  I froze up and did the whole slow motion nnnnnnnooooooooooooo!!!!! thing but it was too late.

So now HER karma is fucked, too.

Basically, everyone in our house is totally in trouble with Buddha now.  Except Mister.  He’s managed to somehow keep his karma clean.

I’m making him drive us everywhere and carry us all down the stairs until Buddha is done ass raping me.

Let’s see…what else do I want to tell you guys?

I think I might have The PMS so I win again!

Now I get to try that Diva Cup thing!  I’m pumped!  Are you pumped? Because I am or whatever.

I actually went to a Gap that was still withing a 20 minute radius of my house, I mapquested it, it was 19 minutes drive so I was good with it, and when I got there, I grabbed a saleslady and asked her to explain the sizing chart.  And

surprise, surprise, she couldn’t make sense of it! So then she helped me carry all the pants to the dressing room because a person with a malformed and disproportionate body like mine cannot carry so many pants, and  just as I suspected, it turns out that I am not a size 16/00.

Ah-HA!

I win!

Oh, and I forgot to tell you guys about how my sugar thing went.  When I said I was going off sugar, I meant refined sugar, like the shit you find in cookies and candy and crap and well?

It worked.  I’m off the sugar, but now I just drink more. I win again!

And for the most exciting news of all, I won this purse on eBay:

Ain’t she pretty?

The winning of this purse may just be the first sign that Buddha is all set now.  Here’s hoping.  I haven’t killed a ladybug in a while.  I even lovingly scoop them out of the sink when I brush my teeth so as not to spit on them.

Annnndddd I think I’m done here, but today is a Toy With Me day, so YOU WIN!

HA!

My Friend’s Husband is a Dildo Nazi

I originally wrote this post for Toy With Me, but somebody else submitted one on the same topic only two hours before me, so I had to eat it.  Both Dingo and Michele sent me links to this and it’s total suckage because I’m wicked sick, and I struggled through writing it and even got my mom to babysit so I could do it, and then I had to start all over again with something else.

The ladybug karma is still fucking with me, obviously.

I SAID SORRY, OKAY BUDDHA?

I mean, JEE-ZUS!  Buddha does not fool around with that karma business.

Anyway, have you guys heard of  Vajazzling yet?  It’s the new, sexy way to get your bling on.

It’s bedazzling for your pieche!

Yup.

What they do is they wax your pubical area, and then they glue tiny Swarovski crystals (because only the best will do) to it.

Jennifer Love Hewett had it done and now everyone and their pussy is doing it too.

And now I want it, obviously.

1) because I’ve always loved TheGhost Whiperer and if it’s good enough for her crotchals, it’s good enough for mine.

B) I’ve kind of always felt like my twidget was, well, sort of plain.  I mean I shave it and everything to keep it neat and tidy, but really? It doesn’t make a statement.

It just sort of sits there like…a vagina.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about what sort of pattern I might want and I thought of maybe getting racing stripes or something, but then I decided that some kind of message would be better, like… PINK or JUICY.  Wouldn’t that be cute?  Or maybe  just a sparkly WELCOME sign.

This seems to me like the Best Idea Ever because as you know, I have a hard time finding jeans that fit me just right.  They’re always too long or too short or too size 16/00, but if I get Vajazzled, I’ll never need to wear pants again!  I’m already fancy just the way I am!  And I’m totally ready to hit the dance floor as my own disco ball!  Woot! Woot! (that was the disco call, in case you didn’t know)

Imagine the looks on the Escalade Pajama Cunt’s faces when I drop Girlfriend off at school with my JUICY disco crotch?  I dare say, it will make their JUICY sweatpanted asses look just silly.

Who’s the fashionista now, ladies?

That’s right.  It’s ME!

But it’s wicked expensive you guys and I’m trying to save up for that Volvo because as it turns out, blow jobs do not make the world go round and you actually have to PAY for things with MONIES.

I had no idea.

So I got to thinking that maybe I can save myself the $50 and do my own using Girlfriend’s stick on earrings.

_MG_8119-7

And it totally works!

Yay for DIY Vajazzling projects!

Turns out Mister isn’t the only Macguyver up in Crissy’s hizzy.

I ‘m totally going to suggest we do this for the next girl’s night.  Fuck getting pedicures and all that other stupid shit.  We’re getting Vajazzled, baby!  I’ll bring the stickers!

All three of my friends are going to LOVE this.  It’s exactly like Nerds Gone Wild when a Pediatrician, a Rabbi-in-training, a Librarian/Historian, and a Mommy Blogger go out to get their (one per person) drink on.  Last time, we shared a piece of chocolate cake and like, our forks touched places on the cake where other people’s forks had touched it.

It was too hot for TV that’s for sure.

We practically had a lezzie gang bang.  Just sayin.

So yes.

DIY Vajazzling.

Why pay $50 bucks to have a stranger touch your pubicals, when I can do it with stickers I got at Christmas Tree Shops for $1?