Is that even how you spell dysfunction? Imagine being so disfunctional that you cannot even spell dyisfunction?

That would be me.

So I’ve been sick for three weeks and I finally went to the doctor yesterday. I’ve got The Bronchitis, The Sinusitis and an ear infection, whatever kind of itis that is, I know not.

And I had to have one of those fog machine breathing treatments right there at the office because the doctor thought I might have The P-newmonia, but I don’t. Just the bronchieties and the other stuff. Don’t forget the other stuff. The other stuff is very important too. She looked at my throat, frowned, and said “you poor thing. That looks like it hurts.” And then I was like “uh-huh” in my most pathetic Bill Cosby kid’s voice and she gave me all sorts of drugs to fix all the dysfunctions and I wish to hell she had sent a nurse home with me because the chances of like, going to bed to recover are not good, Queefies.

As it is, I had to do the breathing treatment bouncing up and down with Homeslice on my hip because she was getting fussy because she was getting hungry because we had to wait so long to be seen.

Motherhood is a motherfucking cock in the ass sometimes.

I bet nobody’s ever said that about motherhood before, so you read it here first.

Motherhoood: A Motherfucking Cock in the Ass.

I’ve had a pap smear with her sitting on my chest. I’ve had my teeth cleaned while rocking the car seat with one hand. Mister freaks out when he has to take the kids with him to get a haircut.

I need a nanny. Maybe I can convince Mrs. Fancypants’ nanny to come over to the dark side and work for me instead. I will call her “Karen” instead of calling her “THE NANNY” and I won’t even make her sleep under the stairs.

I’m a better person than Mrs. Fancypants, obviously.

Anyway, have I ever told you guys that I’m scared of drugs? Well, I am and now I have an inhaler and I haven’t used it yet because I’m scared of it. I’m scared of my nasal spray too.

I took it all out of their boxes and I keep looking at them and I can’t. I just can’t do it. Somebody needs to come and hold my hand so I can take my medicine like a big girl.

I should probably go now. Homeslice is chewing on Alice’s dog chewie and I have to work up the strength to stop her.

WHAT?
She won’t choke.
Probably.

I’d sell your heart to the junkman baby
For a buck, for a buck
If you’re looking for someone
To pull you out of that ditch
You’re out of luck, you’re out of luck

The ship is sinking
The ship is sinking
The ship is sinking
There’s leak, there’s leak,
In the boiler room
The poor, the lame, the blind
Who are the ones that we kept in charge?
Killers, thieves, and lawyers

God’s away, God’s away,
God’s away on Business. Business.
God’s away, God’s away,
God’s away on Business. Business.

Digging up the dead with
A shovel and a pick
It’s a job, it’s a job
Bloody moon rising with
A plague and a flood
Join the mob, join the mob
It’s all over, it’s all over, it’s all over
There’s a leak, there’s a leak,
In the boiler room
The poor, the lame, the blind
Who are the ones that we kept in charge?
Killers, thieves, and lawyers
God’s away, God’s away, God’s away
On Business. Business.
God’s away, God’s away,
On Business. Business.

Goddamn there’s always such
A big temptation
To be good, To be good
There’s always free cheddar in
A mousetrap, baby
It’s a deal, it’s a deal
God’s away, God’s away, God’s away
On Business. Business.
God’s away, God’s away, God’s away
On Business. Business.
I narrow my eyes like a coin slot baby,
Let her ring, let her ring
God’s away, God’s away,
God’s away on Business.
Business…

And those are the lyrics to Girlfriend’s favorite song.  It’s by Tom Waits.  I’d like to thank my father-in-law for playing it for her and singing it to her.  He thinks he’s hilarious, you know.  She busted out with that one when she was about 2 1/2 and we were at Target standing in an aisle with two elderly nuns.

EDIT BY THE PIMP: here’s the song…

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

She was all “God’s away, God’s away, God’s away on business!”

Luckily, I think they were deaf so it’s completely fine.

I love random playback of inappropriateness at inappropriate times though, don’t you?

The song is going through my head because this morning, we do, in fact, have a leak in the boiler room and I have to survive the morning with no water because we had to shut it off so as not to flood the house.  My father-in-law, being the great dad that he is, will be coming over this afternoon to help Mister fix the broken water pipe and will without a doubt, be singing in chorus with Girlfriend about a leak in the boiler room the entire time. I need to brush up on the lyrics so I can join in.

Also, any work people reading this, it’s my official calling in.  I won’t be at work tonight because somebody has to watch the kids while they fix the leak.  Don’t any of you say you can’t phone it in on your blog because I totally just did.

Suck it, bitches.

And Homeslice was awake all night with teething pain and the Monkey Pig Typhoid Cold Flu.  I might take her to the doctor’s.  I’m debating.  And I was feeling much better after my Monkey Pig Typhoid Cold Flu but I’m getting re-sick.  My hair hurts again and I have a sore throat.  I blame Homeslice and all her snots.

There’s baby snots in my hair right now, fyi.  I just had it blonded, too.  It looks awesome even with the snot.

And I got Lady Days finally and it’s beastly.

It’s pretty much Armageddon here as far as I’m concerned.

So I will spend the morning baking 32 festive green mini cupcakes for Girlfriend’s St. Patrick’s day thing at school with no water for clean ups.

Sa-weet!

So yes.

The universe woke me up with great big “HAPPY MONDAY, FUCKFACE!”

PS: I don’t know why the formatting is all shaquaed up there.  It’s the least of my problems today.

PSS: I don’t mean this to be complain-y.  I’m just sharing with you what it’s like to be Queen.  It ain’t all glamor and midget porn, you know.

So the other night, Mister calls me at work to run a few porn titles by me because porn titles always make me laugh, even when I’m at work and feeling like death, it warms the cockles of my heart like nothing else can.

And then he came across midget porn. I don’t know why I was so surprised by it. Midgets are people too, right? They get their little freaks on just like everybody else, I imagine, but the very idea of it was funny until he came to the next one–Midget Zombie Porn.

And so of course I HAD TO see it because who wouldn’t want to see Midget Zombie Porn?  Nobody wouldn’t want to see it, that’s who.

He also downloaded the plain old midget porn too, just for shits and giggles, and all of it was awesome in it’s bizarre glory. It had these two escaped prisoner boy midgets dressed in prison uniforms and handcuffs who supposedly broke into a house to hide from the police.  In that house lived a hot Latina woman who was a lettuce farmer.

Right?
But wait, it gets better.

There was some sort of silly banter and the prisoner midgets said they haven’t touched a woman in 10 years and so the lettuce farmer starts stripping her clothes off and the midgets (who appear to have normal size dicks, btw) double team her on a bed covered in heads of lettuce. And the farmer was rubbing the lettuce all over her boobs and everyone had smooshed green lettuce streaks all over them.

It was hilarious, but also a little bit gross because of my food and sex issues, and I will never look at a head of iceberg quite the same way again.

But as if that wasn’t bizarre enough, the Midget Zombie Porn was even better.  It starts off with a confused slut ( I dare you find porn that doesn’t have any confused sluts in it.  The gauntlet has been thrown down.  Go forth and seek it, my friends), wandering around what looked like fairgrounds or some sort of antique car show or used car lot or something and she was all alone and stumbly when out of nowhere, a midget zombie starts following her. 

OH NO!!!

Run confused slut! RUUUNNNNN lest you be accosted by a tiny zombie in a size 2T sweatsuit and halloween makeup!

And she runs into some messy office-type building, screaming and kicking at the little zombie dude until he pins her to the couch and what do we have here?

Suddenly she goes from sucky actress to blow job maven and then there was anal and she was all “fuck me with your mini-dick” and it was just about the most hilarious thing I’ve ever seen. 

So yes.  Midget Zombie Porn.

Highly recommend it.

I want you guys to tell me about the weirdest porn you’ve ever seen because I’m totally turning this into a TWM post and wouldn’t you like to see your weird porn stories published over there? I would.

Also, I must have more weird porn in my life!

I took a pregnancy test last night.

Don’t worry.  It was negative, just like it had to be because of the whole vasectomy thing plus I always make my lovers wear a condom shhhh don’t tell Mister but I’m having an affair with Alexander Skarsgard and he wants to marry me you know but I said no because he’s too Nordic-looking and he doesn’t know how to fix the computer and also he pees sitting down and I’m not sure what to make of that.

But I had to take the test because when your Lady Days are late by two weeks and you’ve been bloated like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and you gained 4 lbs out of nowhere and you feel like shit and WHY DOES EVERYBODY HAVE TO TOUCH ME WHY?

You have to take a test just to rule out the possibility that some Magical Supersperm jumped the gap.

And I was obsessed with it and what I would do if there really was some Magical Supersperm and WHY IS EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT HAVING BABIES AND ABORTIONS AND HAVING BABIES ALL OF A SUDDEN?  It’s like they KNOW.  And I even started having Phantom Baby Syndrome where I was nauseous (I cannot spell nauseous and diarrhea.  I have a hard time with those.  Spelling them is about as sucktacular as having them.) and having cravings for pasta.

I have eaten a crapload of pasta recently (which explains the 4lb weight gain perhaps?) but I couldn’t taste it, and so the craving never went away which leads us to complaint du jour #2.

I’ve had a cold for two weeks.  I got better for like, a day, but then Mister got it and then Girlfriend and then those motherfuckers re-infected me because NOBODY IN THIS HOUSE CAN MANAGE TO COVER THEIR MOUTHS WHEN THEY SPEW THEIR ROTTEN, FESTERING GERMS.

Or, Mister brought home something else entirely. Like, maybe instead of this one being The Monkey Plague like the last  one, it’s The Monkey Pig Typhoid Cold Flu.

Everything hurts you guys.  Even my hair hurts, and so I haven’t brushed it in two days.  I look remarkably like Helena Bonham Carter right now but not in a cute way, you guys.  And I can’t taste anything, but that doesn’t stop me from eating pasta and chocolate cake.  Any reasonable person would be eating celery and rice cakes right now, but not me. No sir.  I turn celery into CAKE!

I’m trying my hardest to turn that 4 lbs of Phantom Baby weight into a pure, unadulterated, honest- to- Jesus  FAT. ASS.

And I feel flat and sort of homicidal and so. not. funny. or even mildly interesting as proven by the above post.

I hope to get my muchiness back soon though.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to blow my nose and then change a diaper and then find some more chocolate cake.

There’s a lot going on here today.

PS: It’s a Toy with Me day today!  I don’t suck over there like I do here.  I promise.

I Need To Get Me Some Gays