I’m posting in the middle of the day today so try not to freak out.

So I get to work today and The Lunchist (remember The Lunchist from the beginning of December when somebody squished her sandwich and she freaked out and I wrote a blog post that was supposed to be funny but then the blog turned into a lynch mob full of people’s latent office aggressions and we threatened to set poor Lunchist on fire and I had to stop the angry pitchfork wielding mob because Lunchist is actually my friend and I was only kidding? Say “friend” just like Ricki’s mom from Better Off Dead because that’s how I’m saying it in my head. Frrriend. Frrriend.) was standing in the breakroom, agog, because somebody threw her lunch, uneaten, in the trashcan. This is very bad because a short time ago, somebody ATE The Lunchist’s sandwich and she found the baggie with little turkey and lettuce remnants in the trash.

The only thing we can figure is that somebody wants to kill The Lunchist and is sending her a very passive aggressive message by destroying her innocent little diet-friendly sandwiches. Passive aggressive, that is, until the day The Lunchist turns up dead! because some crazed vigilante librarian has it out for her.

OR!

This person has something against those Arnold Sandwich Thins things and this is just a random act of sandwich violence against the Arnold things and it has nothing to do with The Lunchist at all.

At this point, we just don’t know. There’s no clear evidence on anything just yet.

Dun-dun-dunnnn.

I have to go now because we are very busy cross-referencing schedules and break times to try and figure out who this crazy lunatic must be. It’s always the normal people you have to worry about and the problem with this place is that they’re ALL normal people!

Huhuhuhuhu. They give me the willies.

So I think we’re going to need to get Columbo on this ASAP. If anyone has Peter Falk’s phone number could you please give him the 411 and then send him over here right away? We’re also going to need the whole forensics team to come down with him.

OMG, and BONES! Get BONES over here! And make sure Boreanaz is with her.

Huhuhuhuhu. He gives me the willies, too.

IN MY PANTS!

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20 comments

  1. OMG! You’re posting in the middle of the day! Holy fucking shit!

    But I thought the Lunchbox Nazi had started to bring in a cooler to keep her sandwiches out of the fridge? And why would she ever complain about a squished sandwich when it’s made with those Arnold Sandwich Thins anyway? No, Lunchbox Nazi, that’s how the sandwich is supposed to look.

    To catch this culprit, the Lunchbox Nazi should prepare a decoy sandwich that is in all respects a normal looking sandwich, but that has an explosive dye pack inside. Or maybe just an explosive. Then just look for the person missing a face, and you will have your culprit. (I apologize in advance if some of your coworkers are already face-impaired. I mean no disrespect to people missing faces.)
    .-= stoogepie’s last blog post… Wings =-.

  2. Cam Jansen is also pretty good at solving mysteries. I think she even solved a mystery in the lunch room………or was it in the lunch room….dun dun dun. She was in the lunch room when she figured it all out.
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… Semantics =-.

  3. Crissy, can I ask you a question…. are you the lunch bag/box eater/smoosher/thrower-outer?!?!

    You haven’t given us your alibi yet…… dundundun.

    But I really think we need Lt. Horatio Caine from CSI-MIAMI so he can do his “everytime they put the camera on me, I have to move my body” thing and at the end he can flip his sunglasses out and be all badass and stuff shove them on his face. :]

  4. I’m seriously riveted – please tell us when the case is cracked! My mom is a public librarian, and they have had all sorts of weird, passive aggressive crap at her library over the 20 years she has worked there. Librarians seem so sweet, but they can be vicious!
    Despite my misgivings about the Lunchist’s case against lunchboxes, I think people who eat other people’s lunches are the scum of the earth. I suspect that the sandwich was stolen not because it belongs to the Lunchist, but because it was visible and someone is a hungry lowlife- it’s just easier to nab a lone sandwich you can snatch than go through those lunch boxes in search of food. The thief, like most serial offenders, will probably lay low for a while, now that there is a shitstorm- but they will strike again

  5. it’s one thing if someone EATS the lunch i brought in. despicable, but at least i understand it (they were hungry, i had food). but to just THROW IT AWAY? what’s that about!? please to find out and report back.
    .-= Alice’s last blog post… pepper spray: YES PLEASE =-.

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