I took a pregnancy test last night.
Don’t worry. It was negative, just like it had to be because of the whole vasectomy thing plus I always make my lovers wear a condom shhhh don’t tell Mister but I’m having an affair with Alexander Skarsgard and he wants to marry me you know but I said no because he’s too Nordic-looking and he doesn’t know how to fix the computer and also he pees sitting down and I’m not sure what to make of that.
But I had to take the test because when your Lady Days are late by two weeks and you’ve been bloated like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and you gained 4 lbs out of nowhere and you feel like shit and WHY DOES EVERYBODY HAVE TO TOUCH ME WHY?
You have to take a test just to rule out the possibility that some Magical Supersperm jumped the gap.
And I was obsessed with it and what I would do if there really was some Magical Supersperm and WHY IS EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT HAVING BABIES AND ABORTIONS AND HAVING BABIES ALL OF A SUDDEN? It’s like they KNOW. And I even started having Phantom Baby Syndrome where I was nauseous (I cannot spell nauseous and diarrhea. I have a hard time with those. Spelling them is about as sucktacular as having them.) and having cravings for pasta.
I have eaten a crapload of pasta recently (which explains the 4lb weight gain perhaps?) but I couldn’t taste it, and so the craving never went away which leads us to complaint du jour #2.
I’ve had a cold for two weeks. I got better for like, a day, but then Mister got it and then Girlfriend and then those motherfuckers re-infected me because NOBODY IN THIS HOUSE CAN MANAGE TO COVER THEIR MOUTHS WHEN THEY SPEW THEIR ROTTEN, FESTERING GERMS.
Or, Mister brought home something else entirely. Like, maybe instead of this one being The Monkey Plague like the last one, it’s The Monkey Pig Typhoid Cold Flu.
Everything hurts you guys. Even my hair hurts, and so I haven’t brushed it in two days. I look remarkably like Helena Bonham Carter right now but not in a cute way, you guys. And I can’t taste anything, but that doesn’t stop me from eating pasta and chocolate cake. Any reasonable person would be eating celery and rice cakes right now, but not me. No sir. I turn celery into CAKE!
I’m trying my hardest to turn that 4 lbs of Phantom Baby weight into a pure, unadulterated, honest- to- Jesus FAT. ASS.
And I feel flat and sort of homicidal and so. not. funny. or even mildly interesting as proven by the above post.
I hope to get my muchiness back soon though. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to blow my nose and then change a diaper and then find some more chocolate cake.
There’s a lot going on here today.
PS: It’s a Toy with Me day today! I don’t suck over there like I do here. I promise.
- Just take away my will to live, why don’t you? OR How therapy went last Friday
- Alice’s Restaurant
- Even when I’m sick, I’m still more productive than you.
- NomNomNomNom…THE SHAME OF IT!
- My Funny Valentine