I’m a Wwwwiiiiinnnnneeeeerrrrr!!!!!

This post is full of announcements, just fyi.

First:

Check this out, y’all! My bestickered crotch is featured on vajazzling.com!

Me and Jennifer Love Hewett are bffs now, so I win!

Suck on that, bitches.

Also, Homeslice is crawling now.

I couldn’t wait until she could crawl, but now I sort of want her to cut it out.  It’s like, “You GO little ninja!” and then it’s like “GIT BACK IN YER CAGE OR I’LL GIT THE HOSE!”

A couple of days ago, I was loading the dishwasher and when I turned around, she had a mouth full of dog food.  At least it was Iambs, right?  Because I’d never feed my baby any of that Purina shit.  Only premium dog food for my kid!

And she ate a ladybug off the bathroom floor while I watched in soapy horror from behind the shower doors.  I froze up and did the whole slow motion nnnnnnnooooooooooooo!!!!! thing but it was too late.

So now HER karma is fucked, too.

Basically, everyone in our house is totally in trouble with Buddha now.  Except Mister.  He’s managed to somehow keep his karma clean.

I’m making him drive us everywhere and carry us all down the stairs until Buddha is done ass raping me.

Let’s see…what else do I want to tell you guys?

I think I might have The PMS so I win again!

Now I get to try that Diva Cup thing!  I’m pumped!  Are you pumped? Because I am or whatever.

I actually went to a Gap that was still withing a 20 minute radius of my house, I mapquested it, it was 19 minutes drive so I was good with it, and when I got there, I grabbed a saleslady and asked her to explain the sizing chart.  And

surprise, surprise, she couldn’t make sense of it! So then she helped me carry all the pants to the dressing room because a person with a malformed and disproportionate body like mine cannot carry so many pants, and  just as I suspected, it turns out that I am not a size 16/00.

Ah-HA!

I win!

Oh, and I forgot to tell you guys about how my sugar thing went.  When I said I was going off sugar, I meant refined sugar, like the shit you find in cookies and candy and crap and well?

It worked.  I’m off the sugar, but now I just drink more. I win again!

And for the most exciting news of all, I won this purse on eBay:

Ain’t she pretty?

The winning of this purse may just be the first sign that Buddha is all set now.  Here’s hoping.  I haven’t killed a ladybug in a while.  I even lovingly scoop them out of the sink when I brush my teeth so as not to spit on them.

Annnndddd I think I’m done here, but today is a Toy With Me day, so YOU WIN!

HA!

My Friend’s Husband is a Dildo Nazi

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23 comments

  1. Congratulations on all of it, except The Lucy is crawling????? She is growing up way too fast. Next she’ll want the car keys, she’ll be driving boys around, drinking box wine………..

  2. 1) you didn’t say what size you really are and how it relates to the chart. (which – I’m laying odds you won’t)
    2) having tried on all kinds of jeans, have you figured out how the sizing chart is really supposed to work?

  3. I never know if I’m doing right by Buddha, or if I’m slapping Buddha in the face. Today, when I took my daughter to her speech therapy lesson at school, I found a TWENTY DOLLAR BILL on the parking lot. I was all excited and in my head had already spent the entire amount….but then that little angel on my left shoulder said “No no no!” So, I turned it in…………..So, did Buddha send me the money and I just gave it back? Or was Buddha testing me?
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… My Four Year Old Singing. =-.

  4. Rebecca, I was about 13 and with my cousin at McDonalds. We had a twenty and ordered our food. She gave me the change for the twenty but never took the twenty. I slipped it right back into my pocket. I believe I am still paying for it till this day. You did the right thing.

  5. I’m not normally one to dis celebrities, but Jennifer Love Hewitt, Ken? She looks like a puppy. A puppy.

    Sadly my eastern European/ Portuguese background prevent me from bedazzling any body parts in an attractive way.
    .-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… I Have No Stories =-.

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