I wish Bob Ross was my dad

I wish Bob Ross was my dad.

I used to watch him paint when I was little and I always wanted to crawl into the TV and hug him.  I watched him every day.  I asked my parents for art books so I could learn how to paint like him.  He was sort of a hero, actually.

He was always just like “maybe get a little crazy and put a tree here.  Whatever you’re comfortable with is fine.”

My dad was always all  “SIT DOWN AND EAT OR YOU’LL GET A SPANKING!”  followed by “QUIT CRYING OR I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!”  And then he’d smack us on the back of the head,  or clap his hands really loud right in our faces, just to let us know he was THE MAN.

We got a lot of spankings and we did a lot of crying.

I bet Bob Ross would never make me eat meatloaf under threat of a spanking. He would probably leave his dinner to make me a grilled cheese sandwich like I wanted.

Also, Bob Ross had cool hair.  My dad was bald.

PS:  I need a topic for next week’s Toy With Me. Is there something totally gross you saw recently, or is there a story you want me to tell/re-tell? Maybe I’ll just tell the story about how I turn men gay.  I’ve got three under my belt.  I’m pretty proud of that.  Email me!

PSS: This post was way emo-er than I planned.  Sorry.  I thought it was going to come out funny, but no.  That’s okay though.  Bob Ross still loves me, even when I suck a little bit.

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  1. PSSS: I know he’s dead now.
    PSSSS: My dad is still alive.
    PSSSSS: It just dawned on me that 90% of you don’t have a clue who the hell I’m talking about. He was on PBS way back in the 70’s when I was a wee lass and your mom was in 3rd grade.

  2. Thanks for making a crude joke out of my childhood trauma. You’re Mister Sensitive, aren’t you?

    PS: The washing machine just shit the bed. HAVE A NICE DAY.

  3. I loooved Bob Ross. I watched his show with my dad and my dad was a painter so I will kinda say he is kindof like my dad. Well at least in my warped little head. Or until the mental hospital told him he wasn’t. Either way.

    Oh and my ex is a super mega flamer and I was with him for two years. GO ME!

  4. I loved Bob Ross’ soft soothing voice. Always so calm and patient. Loved him more than you would ever know, and yes, I would watch him every time he was on. When he passed away, it made me a bit sad inside.

    Toy with me…..I saw something once online about MEN breastfeeding the babies. Eewwwoohhh. Maybe you can do some post about daddy breastfeeders. Saw a video on youtube too.
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… My Four Year Old Singing. =-.

  5. Bob Ross, I loved his voice. It was kinda child rapist meets soothing yoga teacher. If you read my recent post I have a gross story about a New Orleans strip club (the grosser parts are left out for length and decency purposes but I’d give them to you). I give you full permission to use that should it serve your Toy with Me purpose.
    .-= Sabreena’s last blog post… New Orleans, My New City of Dreams =-.

  6. I lived in FL. 4 years ago. The PBS station would play the old BoB Ross shows all the time. I would record them and then set up my easil and paints and I painted along with the show. I loved the ocean shows. Here is a picture I painted watching Bob Ross. I have it hanging in my bedroom. I painted it pretty big. It is fun to paint. You should buy a book by his at a Michaels and try painting. To see my painting look here.
    .-= Connie T.’s last blog post… Bowling =-.

  7. Love Bob Ross – still watch late at night on PBS when I fight with insomnia.

    For Toy With Me – can you explain the appeal of the feminine man? I have been watching American Idol, and the majority of the guys look more like women, then men. Is it just me? Seriously – where are the manly men? Are they a dying breed? If so, I may as well be a lesbian. (Don’t tell my husband)

  8. Hell yeah Bob has awesome hair. My dad was also bald, and from what my mother used to say he used to rock a fro back in the day when he was still apparently attractive (circa late 70’s)

  9. As for “Daddy Issues” my “father” beat my mother so much I got on her lap one night (around 3 years old) and said please stop hitting mom. I saw him once more when I was 10. Life goes on.

  10. Don’t kid yourself…If Bob Ross would were your dad you’d be stuck making your own dinner out of bean sprouts and granola because he’d be baked out of his mind in the next room and would have completely forgotten you existed 🙂

  11. bob ross totally made me feel like i could paint. he made it look so easy. but i fuck up stick figures.

    could you do a post covering “he’s funny, but i would/wouldn’t fuck him.” i.e., is being funny enough of a turn-on even if he’s not a looker.

  12. I love Bob Ross – I loved watching his shows too as a kid. I hoped that I could one day be just like him, painting happy trees and such. But alas, I suck at painting and opted for a photography degree because even after Ross’ expert tutelage I can only paint stick figures REALLY bad.

  13. I bet if Bob Ross was our dad and he spanked us. I would most likely feel like a weirdly rough massage instead. And certainly not traumatic because he seems to me to be a tender hearted person..People like these are rare. And their spanking (if done which I Doubt) are far from traumatizing

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