I don’t know how much time I have this morning. Homeslice and Girlfriend are still sleeping. I always get really paranoid when they sleep late, and I keep going into their rooms to make sure they didn’t die. I put my hand on their little tummies to check for breathing and sometimes I poke them to make them move. I’m an awesome mother, obviously.
They’re both still alive, btw. I poked them.
Can somebody tell me why my upstairs bathroom is infested with lady bugs? It happens every year at this time. I counted 21 of them yesterday, and I have to do the floor every day because when I go in there, it’s littered with dead lady bug parts. Apparently there’s some sort of a lady bug coup d’ etat going on in there. It’s a veritable lady bug blood bath.
But why are they doing it in my bathroom?
I saw Amityville Horror AND I read the book, so I’m kind of an expert on these things, and so I know that it’s usually flies that come with an evil haunting and so I don’t think that’s why all the lady bugs.
As far as I can tell, they must think the horrible daisy border the former owners put up is real. Stupid lady bugs. It’s ugly AND it’s wallpaper, you guys! Get a clue.
I am not only Queen of Fucking Everything, but I am also Earth Mother and all the creatures big and small want to be near me regardless of ugly wallpaper.
I spend a lot of time in that bathroom, you know. I brush people’s teeth, I give people baths, I wipe people’s butts (not Miste’rs though, thank Jeezus, but I could be anywhere in the house and hear “I pooped!” and I have to come running to wipe Girlfriend’s ass), and I clean it and clean it and clean it. Not Girlfriend’s ass. The bathroom. Because lady bugs are messy.
Between that upstairs bathroom and the kitchen, it’s pretty much my day. So why aren’t they in the kitchen where all my plants are?
Because lady bugs are fucking stupid and they have horrible taste in wallpaper. That’s why.
In other news, the flower show was pretty stupid. It was more of an opportunity to find a landscaper than to learn about pretty flowers. We paid $17 a person to see landscaping vignettes. It was fucking stupid.
But we got a cute picture of Homeslice:
so that was good.
And I noticed that not one of you showed up there to meet me which proves once and for all that I don’t have any REAL friends. Sure, you say you love me but WHERE WERE YOU?
I agonized over my outfit just for you.