NomNomNomNom…THE SHAME OF IT!

Wanna know what I ate yesterday?

Oatmeal with wheat germ, butter, and brown sugar.  I put just a little bit of butter and brown sugar, so it tasted like, I don’t know, paper? I’d have put banana in it but my mom ate the last one when she was visiting the other day. (Whore)

Orange juice

Half a mango

One handful of Whole Foods brand organic chocolate animal cookies, consumed in the dark in my pantry with the door closed so Girlfriend wouldn’t catch me eating them BECAUSE COOKIES ARE BAD FOR YOU AND YOU CANNOT EAT THEM EVERY DAY.

One handful of dry roasted peanuts.

Water, water, water, water, water, water

Cheddar cheese on whole wheat bread with pickles on the side. (Btw, you guys HAVE TO get this book.  I’ve been making bread like a motherfucker!) (Don’t worry.  There are NO semen recipes in it)

Then I get to work, and here’s where being tired and sad and wanting to go home turns into a Food Craptacular:

Immediately upon entering break room to put my dinner in the fridge- BAM! One mini cupcake from the break room table. It wasn’t even good, I knew that, but I ate it anyway. WTFF?

A couple of hours later…

Baby carrots and 1 tablespoon of peanut butter

1 Cookie

1 Apple

1 Chocolate from somebody’s Valentine’s sampler

1 Cookie

Amy’s Palak Paneer and a salad for dinner

1 Piece of Denise’s birthday cake

And then I went home and went directly to bed before I could eat one more thing that would make me want to shoot myself in the face with a bazooka.

Do you see a pattern here Queefies? Because I do, and that’s why I’m about to do something unimaginable, something I never thought I would do, something that has absolutely nothing to do with Lent (because I’m giving up anal for Lent just like every year).

I’m going into sugar de-tox, you guys.  I’ve been eating like this every day since Christmas 2008 and I’m tired of feeling like shit about it.  It’s not so much that it makes me fat.  It’s that it’s a monster and it demands more and more and more of itself and it’s never happy or satisfied.  There’s always another cupcake, another cookie, another whatever and I’m all done with it!

So, for the next week, I will not eat any bullshit food.

None. Nada. Nein.

Who’s with me?

Let’s ALL do it!

One week.

No sugary treats.

If you guys see me eating a cupcake or some such nonsense like that any time between now and next what day is it?, you need to slap it out of my mouth and shove it up my ass (except I gave up anal for Lent, so probably don’t do that last part).

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32 comments

  1. I’M WITH YOU!

    And I’m one-upping you…no adult beverages either! Let’s put Monica to the test!

    *you need to slap it out of my mouth and shove it up my ass* made me laugh so hard the fam wanted to know what was funny…sadly, I couldn’t tell them.

  2. Good Luck Crissy! I bet you’ll be just fine. I can’t do it, I’m Cuban, sugar is in my blood. If I don’t have something sweet at least once a day, I go into severe withdrawals. Well, that and also cause I’m pregernant and it’s a better excuse to just eat all the shit I want anyway 🙂

  3. When I try to sugar detox (and I don’t think I am THAT much of a fiend) I feel shit for at least 2 weeks. But then after that I feel awesome. I feel so awesome I go and eat 6 krispy kremes.
    .-= Grumpy’s last blog post… Not A Review =-.

  4. Dr. Hyman’s (don’t think that doesn’t make me laugh) Ultra Wellness. I’ve been doing it for about a week (Kate style of course) and it makes me feel so much better. Like a ton better. And I think I’m figuring out that I’m kind of allergic to dairy. Which means no cheese, in which case, I want to die.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… The Laptop Doctor =-.

  5. And is this helping or hurting with The Crazies?

    (Having said that, steel cut oats in the crock pot makes a good pre-workout meal…)

  6. I fear my morning staple of frosted mini-wheats doesn’t allow me to take part.

    But you are cutting out all sugar? Even naturally occuring sugars?

  7. I haven’t had any sugar yet today. I had a little maple syrup in my oatmeal, but that’s not technically sugar. Woot! Woot! BUT. I’ve been at work for only 20 minutes. There’s 6.5 hours to go. I just have to keep thinking “detox, detox, detox…”
    .-= crissy’s last blog post… It’s ToyWithMeWednesday again! =-.

  8. I was eating a Cadbury mini egg as I read this. I think it’s a really good idea, and I may try to cut sugar out as well. Or at least exercise every day the next week.

    @Patty O’Tool, how does one make oatmeal in the crockpot? That sounds awesome.
    .-= Amy!’s last blog post… The Happiest Place on Earth =-.

  9. cheese, potatoes (esp french fries with cheese), and orange food (doritos, cheetos, cheese puffs) are my crack. at least your sugar habit doesn’t make you gain weight. that’s my theory, people with a sweet tooth are always skinny. it just burns off and never sticks. but kudos for trying to detox.
    .-= patty punker’s last blog post… my dirty little secret =-.

  10. I would love to try the no sugar thing, but not this week because my brain is fried from working psych. Not just regular psych floor, but involuntary psych floor. OMG I thought I had problems. No sugar would = no chocolate and that would just push me over the friggn edge. So if I return to a “normal” floor at work next week, why I could try that no sugar thing. That sugar would be my bitch. Yeah right in a perfect world. Keep us posted on your progress. If it doesn’t do you in, then I will participate. And that was mighty nice of Mister to tell you that you were sweet enough without sugar. Maybe he is trying to get you to change your mind about the anal. Don’t give in!

  11. I got Glandular Fever/Mono over Christmas. It’s the most effective diet I’ve ever been on. I haven’t been able to eat a full meal since right before Christmas.
    Sadly, I think that.. without the sugary treats.. I would surely die from malnutrition.
    .-= CuppyCakes’s last blog post… EuroTrip Twenty Ten. =-.

  12. I would try it but I would die from lack of sugar. It does weird things to my system. I get the shakes and almost pass out if I don’t have some form of sugar daily. (Said as I dig out a bag of peanut butter M&M’s from my desk drawer…) The sugar CAN be in the from of milk sugars or fruit sugars but M&M’s are just much better. 😉
    .-= Forgotten’s last blog post… Snow blows…(or why I like my new 4-wheel drive) =-.

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