I have to save everybody from themselves in this house. Also, I’m calling bullshit on The Gap.

This morning, Mister tried to leave for work wearing his Halloween costume:

_MG_3379-39

You know, sans makeup and accessories, but STILL!  I had to stop him and tell him he cannot leave the house dressed like that and somehow I’m the asshole.

PS: Yesterday, after considerable effort with stroller hauling and packing of food bribes to keep Girlfriend in line,  I attempted to go to the mall, which I loathe doing, to go to The Gap for a new pair of jeans. My favorite ones are so old and worn thin, they’re like one squat away from an Unfortunate Incident.  But to my dismay, they have apparently closed all the Gap stores within a 20 minute radius of my house, and if you know me, you know I don’t leave that 20 minute radius for anything.  Not even for Trader Joe’s (it’s 25 minutes away, fyi).  And so this morning, I go online to The Gap and I measure myself for a new pair of my favorites–The Curvy Jean.

And their sizing chart is fucked.

Somebody needs to explain how in the name of Shit and Asshole I’m supposed to know what size I am when my waist is 34 inches around which is a size 16 (!), my hips are 35 inches, and my thigh is 20 inches around which makes me a size 00(!!!).   I’m a 16/00.  And before anyone tells me I measured wrong, I did not.  I followed their measuring tips (6 times), which are also fucked because according to them, my waist is really my hips, my hips are really my ass, and my thigh is, well, it’s still my thigh.  At least we can all still agree on what a thigh is, but you have to come and see this chart and tell me what I’m doing wrong, or at the very least tell me what fucking size I am, or tell me you’re a disproportionate freak show like me so I feel better.

Do any of you work there?  Can you ask them what kind of  fuckery this is?  I don’t want to have to call bullshit on my beloved Gap, but I will if I don’t get a satisfactory explanation.

The Queen demands it!

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36 comments

  1. LMAO, Oh Mister. Someday you will appreciate us women and our wisdom. Someday you will thank us for saving you from yourself.

  2. Skip the waist measurement. The jean are all below waist anyways. Go by the hip measurement. My lovely post partum waist measurement is 34′ (bad, b/c I am 5’2″) and I wear a 4p or a 6p there . I have no junk in my trunk, btw.

  3. I think you should call them instead of doing it online. And you need to totally ask them what kind of fuckery it is. And tape it for the internet. Please?

    According to their sizing chart, I am a beached whale and way too tall for my own good.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… The Laptop Doctor =-.

  4. bah he could have worn that t-shirt

    its not like anyone sees us at work anyway!

    p.s. my waist size is 28 but i can fit into a size 18 with no problems

  5. I’m a disproportionate freak show. Literally. I cannot do the Gap’s jeans because they are too long in the crotch and they are either too big in the waist and hips, or too small in the waist and too big in the hips, or.,..oh fuck it you know what I mean. I’m between sizes and people that make jeans nowadays can suck it.
    .-= Zan’s last blog post… TMI Thursday: I’m Not a Size Queen, but… =-.

  6. I’m thinking that it’s not you, it’s definitely them. You don’t even want to know what size they had me at. Jeesh.
    Have you possibly considered getting jeans at Old Navy since they’re owned by Gap? Or your most favorite Target store?
    .-= RHz’s last blog post… Obsession. Delusions. Unhealthy. =-.

  7. I checked out the sizing chart and it irritated me, it was so confusing. So I called customer service to see if I could find someone who could read it. NOPE. So, she called a store and had them take a pair of long & lean jeans down measure them. A size 16 long & lean had (according to the store) 39″ waist and 44″ hips. According to the size chart, a 16 should have had 33.25″ waist and 45.5″ hips.

    so, in conclusion – go to the store or you’re fucked.

  8. RHz- I went to Old Navy. I’m a size 2 3/4 over there. Clearly, they don’t make my size either. Target stuff is way, way, way too long. I’m fucked.

    Zan- I’m going to try Banana Republic! Yay! I don’t care what they cost as long as they fit!

    Bob- REALLY? You did that? I love you.

  9. I’m pretty sure what they want you to do is take the size to your old pants. If you’ve gained weight since then, go down one size. If you’ve lost weight since then, go up one size. Really. That’s how it works. In other words, you’re fucked.

  10. i can’t ever buy things online for this reason. my body apparently ranges between sizes 4 – 10 depending on the store – or even the style/cut WITHIN one store – so basically i need to try everything on. ever. in the world.

    (i will put in my vote for banana, though – it’s the one store where the sizes seem consistent and i am always the same size!)
    .-= Alice’s last blog post… late-breaking new year’s resolution! =-.

  11. Does Gap have the same return-it-for-free policy that Victoria’s Secret does (my roommate used to abuse by ordering eleventy billion swim suits and returning all but one or two)?

    If so, stick it to the man and order a pair in every size, try them all on at home, and ship the rejects back to Gap – on their dime.

    If not…um, doesn’t Victoria’s Secret have some awesome-butt jeans?
    .-= saratogajean’s last blog post… In which I mention dutch ovens =-.

  12. Yeah,well… I’m a size “don’t-even-try-to-wear-pants-stick-to-skirts” I have not owned a pair of pants in over 2 decades. Even living on The Frozen Tundra, where I went outside, in a skirt, in 40 below weather.

    God forbid I ever try to buy a swimsuit because what fits the top half will NOT fit the bottom half (and vice versa) and no sane person in the world would try to put me in a two-piece.
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Happy Feast of St. Stoogepie! =-.

  13. Dude – they are telling you to measure your waist completely wrong. Your waist is way higher than they are telling you. Also, if I measure my waist at a higher point it says I’m a size 10 and REALLY the size 6 fits me.
    .-= MegKathleen’s last blog post… Lack of Motivation =-.

  14. I can’t wear anything from the Gap because my rear end is the size of Texas and I’m shorter than ……well I’m only 5 foot tall. Most of Gap’s clothing is made for people who are at least 5 8 or something…..
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… Pondering Things =-.

  15. there is no way that is right.. according to the measurements…my waist is a size 8, my hips are a 10 and my thighs are .. somewhere between 10 and 12. .. and there is no way on god’s green earth that my butt is smaller than yours. We’ve all seen Mister’s photos…
    .-= CuppyCakes’s last blog post… EuroTrip Twenty Ten. =-.

  16. Tailoring all the way. I’m lucky I can shop at Lane Bryant… They have jeans, same style, different cut for different body shapes. I can walk up, pick up my size sans trying them on and walk out knowing they’ll fit. When I can’t, though, it’s all about finding quality jeans I can have tailored and wear until they’re falling off. I figure if I wear them at least that long, it’s worth the cost. *Shrugs*

  17. Gap sizes are completly wacked. Why do I know. I worked there for over a year! The only pants I could wear when I worked their were their size 18 (gasp) pants. I’m a 12, thank you very freaking much! (They MAKE you wear their clothes if you work there too, while your on the sales floor and the discount is kind of meh..) Old navy has better prices and I felt along with my coworkers, that the fit was better. I now shop at goodwill stores. Clothes are much too expensive now a-days anyway to pay full price.

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