Mrs. Fancypants Gets a New Nanny

OMG, you guys. Remember this bitch from a post I wrote last year?

So yesterday Crissy drops Girlfriend off at The Sandbox Preschool and there’s this bitchmom with a baby in a carrier and Girlfreind goes over, stands on her tippy toes to peek into the carrier and says “Oh your baby is soooo cute!” and the bitchmom whips the carrier away and says “Don’t put your face near her face! She’s had two colds already this year!” And girlfriend sort of just looked like…”huh?” And Crissy was present for the whole exchange and can say with 100% certainty that Girlfriend’s face did not come anywhere near bitchmom’s baby’s face and so WHAT THE FUCK WAS HER FUCKING PROBLEM?

And Crissy almost said “and you don’t think YOUR OWN PRESCHOOLER might have given her baby sister those colds?”

Nay, nay.

It must have been OTHER PEOPLE’S FILTHY CHILDREN.

And Crissy was so mad that she was very, very tempted to grab girlfriend and ram the mommy down in the street with her car thusly:

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Crissy thinks that would have fixed her wagon quite handily.

Well.

Speaking of wagons, guess what she rolled up in yesterday?
YES.
MY Volvo wagon.
It’s new. And shiny. And i’m jealous.
And she’s about 6 months pregnant with baby #3 (somebody’s been making her husband vewy, vewy, hap-py!) and she’s totally not an EPC.
She’s something else entirely.
She’s a…Mrs. Fancypants.
A Mrs. Fancypants, dear Queefies, is perhaps the antithesis of the EPC because unlike an EPC, Mrs. Fancypants has a J-O-B and no SUV. She drives an Audi or a Volvo or a BMW instead because she’s very refined, you know. She’d never be caught dead in a pair of sweatpants with JUICY written in sparkles across the ass.
She’s always very put together and looking lovely for work in her outfits from Ann Taylor. There are three of them at Girlfriend’s school. There’s this one who is apparently very good at giving Hummers (I should probably ask her how many she had to give to get the Volvo), a TV reporter, and one who makes wedding cakes. Fancy ones.
They teeter through the ice and snow in stiletto bitch boots every morning looking just as perfect as perfect gets, and I’m not sure how I feel about them as a group. But I know how I feel about this particular Mrs. Fancypants.
I don’t think I like her very much and here’s why:

#1. That incident last year with the baby in the car seat really stuck in my craw.

b) I kind of liked her last winter. I told her she looked hot in her boots, and then she was pretty nice to me when I was pregnant. She always asked how I was feeling. That was nice. It’s probably just because she herself wanted to be in my condition (dear lord, WHY?)

#6) And then a couple of weeks ago, I heard her talking about being pregnant and starting to show, and the woman she was talking to (who, btw, is neither an EPC nor a Mrs. Fancypants. She’s a Breeder.), declared that she should be well into her 6th pregnancy(!!!) by now and that there must be something wrong. I threw up a little bit in my mouth when I heard that.

f) Yesterday I walked in behind her. She had a stranger with her, and she introduced this stranger as anyone? anyone?

“THE NEW NANNY”

And she said it super-loud so everyone would hear her. The NEW NANNY looked like she wanted to crawl under a table. I would never introduce someone that way, would you? I’d probably say something like “this is our friend Karen. She’s going to be helping out and taking Girlfriend to school from now on.”

I think that was really bitchy of Mrs. Fancypants.

And that, dear Queefies is why I do not like her. She has my car and now she has my nanny and she doesn’t even respect her. Also, her hair is always perfect and she can walk on ice, 6 months pregnant wearing stiletto boots.

What is there to like about this woman?

Absolutely nothing.

PS: Today is a Toy With Me day! Mister got flashed at the hairdresser a couple of weeks ago! WTF? Sluttery At The Salon
Happy hump day! (I really hate it when people say that.)

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30 comments

  1. Persons who use the phrase “sixth pregnancy” as something desirable should be sent to a breeding farm somewhere so they do not wander around with the rest of us.

    When I went to boarding school I routinely got chastised for talking to “the help”. If you cannot be bothered to view “the help” as people who have names, you should be sent away to a special place for snooty fancypants people so they do not wander around with the rest of us.

    People who walk around in bitchboots on ice whilst pregnant are obviously some sort of pod people who need to be in a podpeople colony so they do not wander around with the rest of us.

    And if these folks are off in their special colonies, camps and farms, they won’t need their fancy vehicles which means Crissy can finally have her new ride without all the steaks and hummers or maybe she can hire a mattress slut to do the hummin’ and steak prep because I know Crissy would be polite and say “This is our friend Karen who will be helping out with Girlfriend and Homeslice whilst on her knees and slaving over a hot grill. Isn’t she AMAZING?” And all of the EPCs will be green with envy (at least until they are swept away to the EPC containment facility so they aren’t wandering around with the rest of us).

    So, I think that leaves Crissy and the Queefs wandering around as “gen pop” with pretty much everyone else neatly sequestered. Sounds like a great plan to me, but I’m sleep deprived and may have had some weird dreams which may be making their way into my comment this morning….
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Non-Coffeehouse Sunday Post =-.

  2. This morning mother nature decided that the blizzard just wasn’t enough and we had a minor earthquake????? WTF? So, I woke up to one of the window’s close able vents falling off (you know because with the wind chill it’s about -100). I tried to put it back on and finally I just duct taped some old grocery bags to it. I did this while picturing in my mind Mrs. Fancypants yelling at the new nanny because her fruits and vegetables weren’t washed properly.

    I will be webcasting my relief fund sometime later this week.

  3. actually, if the stilettos are really sharp, then they would AID traction by virtue of the tremendous pressure right under the heel contact patch.

    of course that is offset by the fact that they are much less stable.

  4. Kind of reminds me why we watch Project Runway. It’s mostly to see Heidi Klum, 8 months pregnant, wearing her spiky heels. Only, she’s someone we think we’d really like to know. She just seems down to earth. Even if she does have 3 nannies. =)

  5. You’ve gotta be shittin me… I’m SO glad I’m not the only one that goes thru this… Here I was thinking I felt this way about the little miss wonder moms of the world because I’m a young black single mom checking off my accomplishments on the long list of statistics and stereotypes. Meanwhile, you’re fabulous and not black and you endure the deplorable I’mbetterthanyou’s of these bitchwads too…

    I’m sorry she annoyed you but that in itself made my day. Clearly misery indeed loves shackin up with company.

    Wait…. what were we talkin about again?
    .-= Candy Cane’s last blog post… Dear Stalker =-.

  6. I worked at a private montessori pre school and let me tell you some of the moms at that place were, just way too much. They probably used $50 bills as wet wipes to clean their kids butts and faces. (not in that order of course)

    They didn’t have nannies….they had Au Pair’s. Even their Au Pair’s (make sure you read that with an accent) had attitudes.

    All these kids eventually went on to MICDS (Mary Institute Country Day School, where tuition for kindergarten is $16 THOUSAND dollars a year, and the older kids pay $20K per year.)……Anyway, they just stayed at the school where I was working until an opening opened up or they got old enough to get in………….It was bad. . .
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… Saturday School =-.

  7. Crissy, if you can move us to RI, I will be your nanny. I will care for GF and HS and my little girl and our girls will all be BFFs and grow up to NOT be EPCs. I really don’t want to go back to work if I’m offering to move to freezing cold RI…..

    I won’t be giving hummers or doing steak night, though. Sorry Pimp. But if I can help free up some time for Crissy by helping out with GF and HS, then maybe she can pick up that slack.

  8. I’ve held off saying this, but since the bitch has one, I can’t see you going without any longer……

    Why should you have to commit to $40,000 worth of hummers, pearl necklaces, and dirty sanchez’s when you can pick up a good, used V70 for A LOT LESS?

    3 weeks ago I paid $6,000 for a 2004 V70 with 147k miles. Leather, CD changer, power everything, anti-lock, traction control, etc. A V70 XC about the same age/condition would probably go for @8-9 grand.

    You get a great car for A LOT fewer marital favors.

  9. I heart Bob.

    A man asking you for less hummers and sexual favors to give you a GREAT deal on “new” volvo wheels is S-E-X-Y.

    At least that’s my 2:32am commentary…why am I awake?!

  10. Holy cow, I laughed out loud reading this post! I’m a new reader and I love your blog! I laughed even harder while reading the comments and found out what an EPC was!! Where I live we have lots of EPCs and Mrs. Fancypants’….and they have nannies and au-pairs (puke). I’m a work at home, stay at home mom, haven’t worn heels in three years, drive a dented 7 year old SUV, and own roughly 42 pairs of sweats (however, none with Juicy across the ass!). Fancypants, shmancypants, who really cares? LOL!!!

  11. Haha! Yeah, how awesome it would be to actually run her over! HAhahahah, in a perfect world we could run over people like that. IT’s like why be a mom if you are gonna be that bitchy, and want to be so isolated? Hopefully for the sake of her own daugher she will learn better someday.
    .-= Kelly’s last blog post… How to Make a Photography Portfolio =-.

  12. She needs to be beat to yell at girlfriend!!! Maybe after she has 3 more kids the husband will leave her for the nanny….. Because you only can live with EPC for so long before you need to up grade!!!!!

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