So here it is. Mister worked really hard on this new theme, and we struggled with the colors. We’re (I’m) not totally sure we (I) love them like this, so that might change at some point. But he didn’t pimp slap me when I kept saying the colors weren’t right, so tell him his balls are pretty and touch him on his bum a little. He likes those things (even if you have to lie about the balls part because let’s face it. Balls aren’t cute).

Today Homeslice and I will have adventures on the East Side of Providence over at Monica’s, and then at Whole Foods. All the fancy stuff is on the East Side of Providence, you know.  And then tonight, we all go across the street for our weekly Pot of Crap dinner with the Richard and Micheles. I’m making pizza, it’s very exciting.

Try to control yourself.

I’m just concerned about the drive over to the East Side because I’m like 85% sure we’re going to die in a car crash. Just this past week, I’ve been run into the ditch THREE times by 2 asshats who were texting and came over the yellow line and nearly hit us head-on, and one stupidcuntbitchasshat who decided to drift into my lane without even looking when I was right next to her. Yes.  I was trying to pass her because she was doing 45 in the fast lane on the highway with her head resting on her driver’s side window.  What the fuck, woman?  She could have killed Girlfriend and me!  Homeslice was on the other side. She probably would have been okay.  But when I beeped the horn at her, she didn’t even notice.  She didn’t even take her head off her window.

So, I’ve decided that my next car will be one of these:

Sexy, right?  That’s actually the sexiest picture I could find. It’s not the BMW,but you know what?  At least we won’t all die in this car because some fucktard was texting his girlfriend.   And you see where the fog lights are mounted right there on the front?  I’m going to take those out and have Mister Macgyver some kind of flame thrower arrangement so that when somebody tries to kill us, I can burn them.  He’s totally brilliant at ghetto rigs.  He can do it.  Once he figures it out, he can do your car too.  It’s up to us to teach them, you know.


btw, this is my official announcement to Mister that he’s buying me a Volvo.  He doesn’t know yet.  He’s going to be Very Excited.

Like, $45,000 exciteds.

PS: We don’t actually have $45,000 for a new car.  I’m just feeling like a rich lady because I made $130 selling my stuff on eBay last week, so clearly we can afford a new car.

PSS: I’m not good at math.

PSSS: That’s why I think I might have to bust out my feminine wiles for this one.  It’s going to take some convincing.

PSSSS: By feminine wiles I mean promises of blow jobs and steak every Friday night.

PSSSSS: I’d watch the comments section if I were you.  Just sayin.’

PSSSSSS: If you don’t help support my cause, I will totally ban you from this blog.

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  1. seems to be all set now, as evidenced by my squinty, verbally-abusive coworker!

    i apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

    now, as far as the post content itself, i think you’d really better get your gag reflex under tight control if you expect to EARN a shiny new volvo. $45 large buys a LOT of hookers and blow, you know.

    i realize you’ve been working on this as you brush your tongue every morning and night. keep it up and maybe santa will bring you something special for christmas.

    besides a new glass christmas-tree shaped butt plug, of course. you’ve already earned that.

  2. Holy good fuck it is pink…I like the new design, but the checker board pattern on the side is causing my eyes to bug out.. Mister you totally need to but the Queen a new volvo she is totally deserving.

  3. Awesome new layout!

    And I totally support your cause. I even clicky on the ads. Like the one yesterday where it told me I could buy a totally awesome pink tampon vending machine and 300 awesome pink tampons for only $395.71.

    And I am bummed that I missed out on picking up genuine Crissy swag on Ebay… not that my broke ass can AFFORD it, but it would have been cool to get Crissy’s stuff.

  4. Yippiee!!!! New layouts make me happy! Now, my lush, green waterfalls and honeydew melon layout can make out with your 50’s picnic layout! Whee! What kind of babies will it make?

    And pimp? You kinda rock out with your socks out for the layout. Plus your balls are pretty. Do you shave them? Because if you don’t, then they’re not pretty and I didn’t say that.

    Did that help, crissy?

  5. The new layout is pretty sweet. I think Mister did a great job. It must be the awesome balls he has! I think you totally deserve a new Volvo!

  6. colin: i was worried about that, actually. i might try to tone it down some and make it a little less distracting.

    laura: you are a very loyal and good member of the court. would you settle for a pair of panties? soiled or unsoiled–your choice.

    k8: i’ve always sported a brazillian; nobody likes a curly in the back of the throat. the vasectomy doc told me i did an excellent job. i figure he’d know, right?

  7. Love the new look. Except for the plaid.
    Can’t comment on balls, but Mister looks better in skinny jeans than I do. And I’m sure he could earn all kinds of photo shoots for a new car…. And new car sex is way better than old car sex. You should get a new car based on that fact alone.

  8. I love the new site. It is so Leave it to Beaverish. I like the check thingy on the side. Could I order a pair of pants in that fabric? Great job Mister! Lovely hairless balls too I might add. Turn around and we will all give you a love pat on the bum right after you buy that vehicle for Crissy. She totally deserves it after earning all that dough on ebay (without even selling used panties I might add).

  9. Oh by the way I clicked on some ads so you can spring for the automatic start on that new car. It is winter and there is nothing better than a pre-warmed sexy driving machine waiting in the driveway. You’re welcome.

  10. I’m sort of in love with your new layout. You should be happy you have a bitch, errr, husband who will do it for you for free. BTW, my mom bought her first Volvo wagon in 1984 and hasn’t stopped driving one since. She’s on her third wagon, despite the fact that she’s had no kids in the house for a decade. All I’m saying is, once you go *there* it’s hard to go back.

  11. I really like the header, I am totally envious and homicidally jealous. As for the Volvo, hell yeah I got your back. Not only is it sweet but safety is key Mister. If he does figure out the flame throwers please let me know ASAP as I will pay you for a set for my Yukon. Then I can run people over AND burn them.

  12. First of all, you totally can’t ban me. So ha. Secondly, I like the new layout, but the wording over the TV s is a little hard to read. But, I love the font and the TV’s.

    You should have Mister implement some spikes in the place of fog lights. Those would come in real handy.

  13. I can’t decide if I want to comment on the car, or the eBay. Perhaps both. A: I like the car, and it’s got a nice wide base which is ideal for running top heavy suv’s off the road, and 2) eBay is a good place to make some extra monies, specially with the new fee changes coming up in april!

  14. I think the new design is just delightful, and I very much enjoyed viewing the Queen on Flickr. Mister is a totally awesome photographer. And versatile! Maybe I’ll have a husband like him someday!

  15. Balls look like grandma got two eggs surgically implanted into her chin waddle. They aren’t pretty but damn are they funny. I totally want car flame throwers! If I had those every car at my daughters school would be charcoal. They are all fucktards that text and u-turn in the middle of the damn road. I will click on your ads 5 million times for those bad boys! I think a bird shit sprayer would be a fabulous idea too.

  16. Totally got the Gingham! Gingham was used a little bit at my wedding…..yes, I’m a loser, but that was well established before my wedding…………Love the new page. I am pretty much in love with pink so it’s all good for me!

    Also, don’t you just love how the headlights on that car have tiny little windshield wipers. I am so completely in love with the tiny windshield wipers…..headlight wipers. Mister NEEDS to buy you one of those cars because you are his 1950’s housewife or something…..wasn’t that your Toy post this week. You’re too good to that man………and I’m sure he has pretty balls and a nice bottom….he wears skinny jeans for crying out loud!

  17. Sorry I’m so late to the party. Here’s a good one for you. My grandmother told my mother one day that she would like a new Vulva. And she would like it to be blue in color. So if Mister won’t buy you a new Volvo tell him to find a new Vulva.

  18. The new layout is cute, but I can’t put you with gingham at all…gingham is kinda Dorothy and Toto-ish or Carol Brady-ish, but maybe therein lies the charm of it all.

  19. I like the new layout. Very impressive. I am worried my head is going to appear next to my comments now though.

    I think the new car is more of an investment into family safety than just ‘buying a new car’.

  20. i will only get a volvo if i can mod and tune it.

    i’m the idiot with a 400 hp subaru impreza wagon, after all.

    the volvo has to have ridiculous amounts of power so that you can just hit hyperdrive, go to plaid, and leave all the douchebags in a cloud of dust.

  21. Are there people out there who will buy cars in exchange for steak and bjs? Because if you could send me one (other than yours, obviously) that would be great. Hell, I’ll even throw in anal for a volvo.

  22. I think the new palace is beyond georgous!!

    Great job Pimp! Your balls are awesomely beautiful and here’s a *pat pat* for your bum!!

    Here’s hoping you get your new wheels.

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