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So I’ve sat down like, 1,500 times, give or take 1,496, to try and write something for the Queefies and every single time, my mind comes up blank. Just
….
….
?
And so I just click over to eBay and obsessively search the listings for my new favorite purse which doesn’t exist anywhere other than in my imagination, and if it does, I have yet to find it. Hence, the searching, searching, searching…

Moving on, we got a new black book cart at work yesterday. It was tres exciting. Lynne named it “Sexual Chocolate” and then we laughed the kind of laugh you laugh at work when somebody says the S-E-X word out loud in a library. I think “Sexual Chocolate” is pretty much the most kick ass name any book cart has ever had in the history of ever.

Moving on part deux, I wrote “Asshole” in salt on the door of one blue Ford Fuckus (that’s Focus to you normal people) because the owner of the Fuckus parked his/her motherfuckus so close to my car that I couldn’t get Homeslice’s car seat in no matter how many times I smashed the door of my car into it in hopes the dent would provide the extra space I needed. I had to go to the driver’s seat with the car seat and put it on my passenger’s seat and pull out of the spot and then get out and go all the way around to take her out and put her in the back. Boy was I mad, you guys.
Hence, “Asshole.”
I wish I had had the presence of mind to write something a little more clever, but you know. I was pissed and my brain freezes up and I just sputter random Tourettsian nonsense like “Fuckhead!” “Jizzbag!” “Pissface!” “Asshole!”

Moving on part thrice, I’m going for a physical today with a new doctor. I hope he isn’t good looking because it’s awkward as ass to have a good looking doctor examine you. Amiright? Or is that something I should discuss with Monica the ninjerapist tomorrow? Like, I wonder what he’d do if I tried to touch his penis, and then I get nervous that somehow I’ll lose complete control and actually do it. It’ll be all kinds of awkward after that, I imagine.

Moving on part vier (that’s four for those of you who didn’t have a German great-grandmother), I know I said I’d never do this, but I bought a Diva Cup. I don’t really know why except to say that I’m kind of sick of shoving wads of chemically treated cotton up my twidget. It’s gross. Not that the Diva Cup isn’t gross. It’s all gross, so why not save the environment or whatever whilst being equally gross? I don’t want to get twidget cancer.

I was in the shopping mood, I guess.

I had to order the Model 2 which was sort of insulting to me. It’s for women who are over thirty and/or have had a vaginal birth. Mister tells me it’s the “cougar edition.” Maybe that’s what they should call it instead because “Model 2” is fucked up. Or maybe they should call it “Sport” for the active vagina.

My new theme should go live tomorrow, IF I can get Mister to understand that colors have to match and that a picture of my crotch isn’t appropriate for a blog header. It’s coming along. Remember last time when I put up a theme that he made for me just to show you what happens when I put him in charge, and then everyone was wicked mean to me and insulting because they thought I was actually going to keep a pornographic theme up? Hahahahaha! Good times. (I’m still hurt over what some of you said, btw)

Anyhooters, that’s the story morning glories.

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27 comments

  1. I think that pornographic design was right when I started reading. I remember thinking you were one brave lady. Then I secretly wished I looked like that.
    I still don’t and I’m not sure what it’ll take for me to get over that and move on with my life.
    .-= CuppyCakes’s last blog post… Opening Up The Crazy. =-.

  2. If anyone was actually mean to you I’m getting in the car and driving over to their house and writing “Asshole” on their car. Except it won’t be in the dirt. It will be with spray paint or shaving cream or whatever it is I can pick up while driving cross country in my astronaut diaper.

  3. 1. No book cart for you- your no chocolate rule is a kick-ass excuse to never touch a book off that cart.
    2. Next time use your keys as the writing utensil.
    3. On the Show “Nurse Jackie” a doctor grabs boobs when nervous. It’s a medical condition. I’m sure penis touching is just as valid.
    4. I anticipate a review as a future blog post with the pros and cons of the Earth friendly efforts of your twidget.

  4. I have had c-sections and I am 29 so I guess I won’t be buying one for another year. What a pain. They need a model 1 1/2.

  5. I just recently found your blog so yay first comment for me!

    So I got the Instead period cup the other day. I tried it. I’m not totally sold on it. I’m kinda grossed out when I removed it. It’s just something that is gonna have to grow on me. But that Diva Cup? It’s reusable? There is no way in everloving hell I would be using one of those. I refuse to wash it out and re use it. *shudders*

    Can’t wait to see the new theme!
    .-= Becky @TheRealBecks’s last blog post… Twitter advice =-.

  6. In my mind I’m seeing you and Lynn laughing in the library each time one of you says, “Sexual Chocolate”.

    “Sexual Chocolate” ha ha ha ha ha

    “Sexual Chocolate” ha ha ha ha ha

    “Sexual Chocolate” ha ha ha ha ha

    I don’t know what Lynn looks like, so when I’m imagining you two laughing over “Sexual Chocolate” ha ha ha ha ha, I can’t
    picture what Lynn looks like.

    You come in clearly, but Lynn comes in kind of shimmery, with shiny chestnut colored hair. What I can see through the shimmer, she looks nice.

  7. This is going to sound so stupid but WTF is a Diva Cup? I am very curious.

    I too have been blog blocked. My last post was about my upcoming vacation because it is all I can think about and it was a no brainer to write. Maybe some flash of genius will hit me while I am changing my toilet stubborn 3 year olds shitty diaper. Nothing inspires like stanky stuff.
    .-= Sabreena’s last blog post… Vay-cay!!!!! =-.

  8. for those of you who want to know more of the “darksex theme backstory”

    Bringing Sexy Back?

    towards the bottom of the comments there’s one from me in which i provide a link to a screencap.

    and the following day:

    I Have A Hangover and I’m Mad About My Trash Can

    i am happy to say that i have made some real progress in formatting the CSS for the new layout. i think it will be well received–but then again, what the fuck do i know??!

    lol

  9. A. Crissy looked hella sexy in that old theme. Remember?

    B. Seriously. Remember when the blog gang roamed the internet and like a bunch of vigilantes we defended the little guys. (Ourselves)

    C. I miss the blog gang.

    D. I don’t have a D. Maybe just that I miss you two and one night in Boston wasn’t enough.
    .-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… Writing, Back Fence and Fiber =-.

  10. Sexual Chocolate sortve reminds me of a new test fragrance I made which is Chocolate Rose scent and I am pretty sure is what Sexual Chocolate would smell like.

    And, as hard as I tried, I couldn’t think of a way to make the Model 2 Diva Cup sound any sexier. Maybe if they called them the Sexual Vanilla and the Sexual Chocolate versions, it would be better?

    But then I found this:

    Sexual Chocolate recipe

    3 parts Bailey’s® Irish cream
    3 parts Kahlua® coffee liqueur
    3 parts dark creme de cacao
    1/2 part Chambord® raspberry liqueur
    1 splash milk
    1 splash soda water

    Shake well and serve on the rocks

    And I think I’d need a couple of those before I would have the courage to try a Diva Cup.
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… You called for my limo, right? =-.

  11. First time commenting…and, coincidentally…I have a diva cup, and I like it a lot. I have Model 1 (sorry), but I will say that it’s comfortable, doesn’t leak, doesn’t feel like any of my insides are ripping out upon removal, and it can be left in for much longer than the alternative. And, it’s obviously superior to “sanitary napkins” which should only be used by middle schoolers and in case of emergencies (because who really wants to sit in a puddle of their own uterine lining?). Best of luck with it.

    Love your blog, and its refreshing frankness.
    .-= Tina’s last blog post… Come one, Come all =-.

  12. One little bitty question for Melissa Lion, if you please.

    Since you’re all into spilling your guts on your sadbag Internet Gang, who were really more like a bunch of misinformed arrogant hillbillies, addicted to playing their word game, more than anything to do with “defending the little guys”.

    Wasn’t your game more about demeaning and distraction? There was a third D in there, what was it now…. the Douchebags you all wore on your heads?

    Chocolate Lover
    Young Lady
    Dude Y
    Dude 22
    Dude 24
    ad nauseum

    And the question of the hour: what good did your work do? Did it bring you fortune, a good name and a husband? Because you certainly worked against helping the fight for Human Rights with your stupid bag of me me me.

  13. I would write “asshole” in salt on the white mustang that parks next to me and WHIPS HIS STUPID DOOR into MY car every time he parks next to me but his car is too stupid and clean for me to do that. Maybe I should just write it in lipstick. Or better yet, I should use the touch-up paint from my car while I’m out touching up the dings from his stupid car. I hate other drivers.
    .-= stealthnerd’s last blog post… Bunch of pansies =-.

  14. I’m in the unique position of being able to say that my next period will be my last. It would be a greater celebration if it weren’t scheduled to happen during my vacation to Hawaii, but that’s the way it goes, and don’t we all know it? My hysterectomy is in March and I’m giddy with the anticipation of never having to deal with the bloods again!!! But for all you Diva cup users, I’d be seriously interested to know if you would consider dumping the contents of your used cup onto your garden or houseplants, perhaps in diluted form (insert gasps of disgust here). Think about it….it’s a great organic source of nitrogen. And would likely keep the bunnies away from those lettuces.
    .-= Helen’s last blog post… Black Fleurette Version 1, Hairclip Bobbypin or Brooch =-.

  15. Dear Agnes,

    I’m putting on my astronaut diaper right now. WTF. I’ve always said people say mean things to make themselves feel better about themselves. Some people, and I believe it might be you Agnes, are just unhappy. They try to demean others and it in some way makes them feel better. I hope you feel better tonight. I hope you sleep well, but I don’t think you will.

    Crissy,

    Hunt down the ISP because right after the funeral I’ve got some plans.

    Melissa/Other/Supporter of any other Melissa/Loves Crissy

  16. So, uh Melissa Lion, aka “The Other Melissa”, aka “Momo”, aka aka aka, you’re attempting to order her Majesty and Sir Pimp about, on THEIR site, with hunting down ISPs?

    Nobody puts Her Royal Highness in the corner.

    You calling out someone else as being demeaning, after all the mean work you published last year and currently on other blog sites, is really not so fancy, and that’s the last I’m going to say about it on this very creative new site.

    I may be banned, but before I go, I’d like to say I am a big fan of the gingham.

  17. Okay. That’s enough. I’ve been keeping quiet and not saying anything in hopes that all this would blow over and go away, but I was awake thinking about it and dreaming about it even, and I just have to say something finally. Agnes, my blog isn’t the appropriate place to hash out any problems you might have with Melissa (who is not at all the same person as The Other Melissa, fyi) and/or Kiala and/or any of their friends. Please, take the fight someplace else or better still, just LET IT GO. Whatever it is, just let it go. It’s not worth the energy to keep it going.
    I don’t want any part in any of this, but it found me and it makes me sad. This is a place for fun and friends and I actually get very few trolls. I’ve never felt the need to delete people’s comments. I’d like to keep it that way. So, if you can’t lay off Melissa, this isn’t the place for you and I’ll have to delete your comments.
    We are friends on this blog. ALWAYS.

  18. Kiala???

    Ok movin’ on. It’s been fun. Some good laughs here and Mister’s photography is some of the best in the land.

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