Whilst Girlfriend was at school yesterday, I went sweater shopping because the room  where I work at Schmuckytown Pubic is right next to the big double doors where all the Schmuckytown Pubic Employees do their inning and outing and also where the UPS guy comes to deliver his package (not his figurative one you filthy dirties, his literal package) and so holy Mary mother of Jeebus is it COLD.  So, sweaters.

And Homeslice is the bestest little shopper in all the land as long as we bring Princess Sophie with us:

Remember the woobie in Mister mom?  Yeah.  It’s kind of like that only it’s me that freaks out when she’s missing because she keeps Homeslice occupied for a long time.  Sophie crinkles, you know.  She’s very fancy.  She was also $15, but when I showed her to Homeslice, her eyes got all wide and she was just like, “oooooooo” and so I bought her.

And because of my rather wise and extravagant investment in Princess Sophie, I was able to sift through tons of CRAP (seriously, what is with the crap in the store right now?  No wonder all I ever buy is solid color long sleeved cotton scoop neck tee shirts.  That’s all there is!) and I found two pretty warmish ones that will do nicely as “library sweaters” (read: for work only because only a librarian would be caught dead in these suckers but it’s better than freezing my tits off or wearing a SNUGGIE, which my boss actually resorted to last yesterday night), and since it’s colder than Santa’s balls these days, I brought them home and put one on immediately for work.

And it’s kind of cute in an asymmetrical, chunky, woolen kind of way which I don’t mind at all and somebody was all “Hey! Cute sweater!  Is it new?” and so I’m all  “Yeah!”  And then  she was all “I could tell!” And then she pointed at the wad of tags and spare buttons dangling from my armpit.


I forgot to cut those.

Do any of you guys ever use those spare buttons and little bits of wool that come with new sweaters?  Like, if you get a hole in your sweater, do you run to your jewelry box (where else would you keep that, anyway?) and get out the little baggie of spare parts and just start knitting the hole back together, or are you like me and you just put the sweater in the Donations for the Poor Who Have Better Sewing Skills Than Me basket you keep in your closet?

Anyways, I’m an idiot.

The end.

PS: I’m  sensing some tomfoolery involving a Snuggie and Schmuckytown Pubic.  Aren’t you? I can feel it in my bones, just like I can tell when it’s going to rain.

PSS: I wrote this entire post while wrestling with Homeslice.    I’m kind of heroic.

So the other night at work I Google Imaged myself just for the hell of it because it totally had to do with cataloging books and look what I found:

I like her outfit.


Crissy +  Spanky= Tru luv 4-eva.

And this one actually looks like it could be me because that bitch totally ganked my stunna shades, yo.

but it’s not really me.  I never went to space camp, probably.

This is not me either.

I’m like, 100% sure.

And OMG!  I found this which actually IS me (in a way).

Shout out to Ms. DINGO! Holla!

Domo arigato, Crissy roboto

Awwww…so sweet, but is that a BOY playing with the Crissy doll?


You guys knew I had my own doll, right?  Because I’m special and you’re not.

And I discovered I have my own Wikipedia page!!!

Suck it, Doosh!  I totally kill.

And today is a Toy With Me day.

Patience my pets, I’ll get you a link in just a few…

TWM POST IS UP: The Scent Of A Woman – Vulva Original

I’m very glad the whole shebang is done, to be honest with you.  I never thought I’d say that, but it’s true.

Remember when you were a kid and the holidays were really fun because they just seemed to happen and it was all good and you couldn’t understand why your mother always said she hated fucking Christmas and why she went to bed early on New Year’s Eve and you thought it was because she was just kind of lame and bitchy?

I know why, Queefies.  Your mom’s not lame and bitchy (well, she might be, I don’t know your mom.  Hey, don’t get mad.  Statistically speaking at least some of you have to have a lame and bitchy mom.  It’s called MATH, you guys, so don’t yell at me because your mom sucks). Her pissy attitude during the holidays is because Christmas and New Year’s comes out of her ass.  She makes it all happen for everyone at the expense of her physical and mental health.  I know this.  I’ve known this for about 4 years now, and I know it even better now that I had two kids to pull it off for this year.

But I’m still looking forward to next year.  I know.  I must secretly love having my ass kicked for a month solid.

Anywho, I have no real New Year’s resolutions other than to stop buying long sleeved solid color cotton scoop neck tee shirts and start buying something a little more interesting, like maybe long sleeved solid color cotton scoop neck sweaters.  That’s pretty much all the challenge I’m up for right now.  I think I can do it because I stocked up on them last week.  It should hold me until next year.  Unless I come across a killer sale.  Then we’re gonna have some problems I think.  I’ll call my therapist.  She’ll know what to do.  I’m sure she’ll be willing to interrupt a session with someone else to talk me down at Target.

Also, I’m resolving to eat more organic stuff.  It’s something I do already anyway, so yeah.  Not much of a challenge there.

I guess my resolution is to not challenge myself.  Survival is challenge enough for me at the moment, thank you very much.

In other news, I actually made it until midnight on New Year’s Eve. It was a bloody miracle.


And I got bangs.

The end.