It’s a little better than going on Oprah and crying because that was my Plan B.

I’m really sorry you guys. 

I’m sorry because I’ve only just last night realized that I have no life and I might be coming off as…I don’t know…INSANE? Lately? 

I know, I know you’ve been thinking this for a while now and you’ve been meaning to mention it but you’re polite and kind and I really appreciate your wanting to spare my feelings. Such wonderful Queefs you are. Truly. I’d be nowhere without you.

But last night I was sitting at my desk drooling and mindlessly shoving mini peanut butter cups into my mouth in an effort to stay awake and also to keep from cutting myself just for something to do, it occured to me that I don’t really go anywhere, and I don’t really do anything unless you call going to work or Target “somewhere” and whining because the baby won’t stop crying long enough for me to load the dishwasher “something,” but I don’t. 
I call it being too fucking mom tired to do anything other than survive.

And I feel wicked bad because I don’t get to read your blogs anymore and it takes me a while to reply to emails and I usually try to not suck, but right now? I’m getting my ass kicked.

I have these mood swings where one minute, I’m struggling so hard not to run screaming from my house and then like, literally five minutes later, I’m totally fine and all on top of everything and just like, momming it up and shit.

I’m coo-coo for coco puffs, basically.

But you don’t have to worry because I’m going to see my therapist tomorrow. I’ve been going to her on and off for the past fifteen years because the crazy. It is strong within me.

The last time I saw her was 4 years ago when Girlfriend was a little baby and I was sure I was going to stab everyone. Monica sorted my shit right out in about 4 sessions because she’s a total badass. She’s like…a ninja. And a therapist. She’s a…Ninjerapist. She just goes right into your head and you don’t even know what happened but all of a sudden, you make sense again and you don’t want to stab people anymore.


I will tell her I called her that and she will laugh.

She’s all new-age-y and she does Reiki and she was sporting the leggings with boots thing before it was everywhere and she sort of has that whole lesbian therapist look, you know the one with the hand-made silver and semi precious stone jewelry and the lesbian haircut? But she has long hair. And a kid. So I don’t think she’s a lesbian.
Maybe she is. Long hair and a kid doesn’t make you not a lesbian.

She called me “lovely” once and then said “everyone else is an asshole.”

I knew that already but it was really nice to have it confirmed by a professional.

So yes. Monica.

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  1. I think our friendship remains so strong because we cleave together through the sea of assholes around us! And YES! it is them, not us. *uncorks wine, inserts straw*

    Good luck today!

  2. I wish I lived closer to you, because, even though I don’t know you, and I corrected your spelling mistakes awhile ago and stuff, I really like you and if I lived closer, I’d come over and help you. I’ve been through this hell on earth as well, and it’s called Exhaustion and maybe even Postpartum Depression, either of which will make you fall to your knees and weep.

    Take care of yourself, go see Monica asap, and never forget the world is FULL of assholes of every shape and size.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel’s last blog post… Unbearable =-.

  3. Maybe I need a new therapist. One who doesn’t need to see me every single week fortherestofmylife. Ninjerapist! I’m glad you’re going. Because stabbing people is bad. You would have to go to jail. And from what I learned in treatment, that’s not a nice place to have to go. Although, I learned how to make a tampon out of a pad from a girl that had been in prison for three years. That’s a serious skill.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… WTDDM =-.

  4. Everybody needs a little help now and then. Good for you for recognizing that. Hang in there! I will send positive thoughts your way. You know we all love you and want you to be happy and healthy. Take care of yourself.

  5. Every time I read Ninjerapist in my head it sounds like Ninja Rapist, which is also funny. Anyway, I think therapists are the greatest thing ever. That might be my psychology degree talking, but I truly think everyone would be happier if they could talk to someone for an hour every week about their problems.
    .-= MegKathleen’s last blog post… What I want right now =-.

  6. It’s the second kid. The second kid KICKS YOUR ASS and no one, NO ONE, tells you that. One is like a little friend you take places with you. Have two…they’re everywhere!

  7. Ummm, yeah, Crissy… can you ask her how to deal with the feeling all “I want to die” because you haven’t been able to find a job and every time you go on an interview they say shit like “you have a very disturbing last name” and then you never, ever hear from them again? Also, how to not feel stabby when your tech guy who promised to help you get your store online starts blowing you off when you are >< this close to being able to open your online store and maybe stop yourself from falling into complete financial ruin but you are a dumbass who can’t figure the tech stuff out yourself? Thanks!

    And… you know how I feel about kids and all, but I would totally come and help you if I were closer. I’d just bring my duct tape so Crissy could go have “nice hot bath and a box o’ wine” time.
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Love Harder (and a meme) =-.

  8. my last couple tweets: “@smashleydubs your new wallpaper is rad.” 10 min. later: “i could kill. get me a tiny mouse.” anyway, nicorette helps with my rage but i could really use a ninjerapist.
    .-= patty punker’s last blog post… C is for ….. =-.

  9. I had a comment all ready to go, but then I read Portia’s. She’s got me freaking the f*ck out. I’m pregnant with my second kid…Ask your Ninjerapist if she’ll make housecalls. To Georgia. I think I’m gonna need some help!

  10. hm.

    Don’t forget to oil the mood swings! A fat brain’s a happy brain. A good dose of Cod liver oil should get you out of the broom closet soon enough.

  11. I’ve been contemplating seeing a nut doctor too but I don’t like other people and the whole being vulnerable thing. So instead I’m projecting my crazy all around me like a little crazy cocoon.

  12. Girl, I have been hopping on and off the crazy train since….forever. And last year it was very visible in this lovely blogsophere because I up and left and acted all huffy and quit this bitch because I’m obviously all tough and bad except for the part where I reneged and resurrected everything and yeah. Crazy.

    My point? I think more of us understand than we’d care to admit. I’m super proud of you, though. A) It takes balls to see a doc and B) it takes even bigger balls to admit it. Even in this age.

    You keep on keepin’ on. We’ll be right here.
    .-= deutlich’s last blog post… Love Harder =-.

  13. What a second…I’m still hung up on Mary@Holy Makerel. Someone actually corrected your spelling? WTH? I think THAT would send me to the crazy doctor!!!

  14. You think you’re crazy? Last night I had to wrestle a drunk and xannied-out British girl into a cab after she punched me in the face for taking away her keys. AND I had to pay the cabbie because the poor little rich girl had no cash, but she had somehow managed to steal five various glasses from the bar, after making out with an ugly dude at said bar despite the fact that she’s got a great boyfriend at home.

    Somehow adventures like that always remind me that there really ARE some crazy people in the world, but as wacky as I may be, I’m not one of ’em.
    .-= Heather’s last blog post… Rule #8: The Best Way To Get Over a Man Is To Get Under Another One =-.

  15. Monica eh?

    Reminds me of the rapist . . . erm the *therapist* I’ve been seeing off an on for the past 5 or 6 years. ‘Cept mine is named Paula. And mine doesn’t have the lesbian thing going on. And she’s not new-agey.

    Hmm. Perhaps the similarities are minute . . .

    But she’ll totally call you on your shit.
    .-= Mystern’s last blog post… Office Life =-.

  16. I don’t think we have ninjerapists here in Detroit. :/ It’s kind of sad.
    But I also read ninjerapist as ninja rapist too. haha.

  17. whatever. you are still totally sharp and funny and even while saying perhaps nothing, you are entertaining. i have not only lost my mind in the process of staying home with 2 babies, i have lost my fucking brain. i have about 7 words in my vocabulary, all of which sound like “fuck” or wish they did. maybe monica is a lesbian and what she was really saying is that your pikachu seems as if it might be lovely. nice to meet you. i am so tired of caring about shit that is not interesting.
    .-= magda’s last blog post… Fear Factor =-.

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