So the plan for the weekend was to paint the kitchen and the lavette and my friend Rachel told me that nobody says “lavette” anymore and so my first question is what do you call it? A powder room? A half-bath? The room where you pee and then wash your hands?
And of course, we don’t just paint shit in this house. It’s more like “since I have my paintbrush out, I should replace the toilet and the sink and the faucet and get all new everything” because we’re not really big fans of keeping things simple around here. In fact, if there’s a way to make things harder and more complicated, that’s pretty much what we do.
And so we went to the toilet store.
And Mister is kind of a big fan of the toilet. As a matter of fact, he’s working on a coffee table or a bathroom reading book or whatever that has all pictures of toilets and men’s rooms in it. It’s very important to him, the toilet. And so he SAT ON THE TOILETS IN THE STORE TO TRY THEM OUT.
I was sort of mortified by this.
I get mortified by things!
Why is that so hard for you to believe?
And then he had Girlfriend do it too, and Homeslice and I just sort of stood there, agog. We didn’t know what to do and so I yelled at Mister to stop sitting on toilets in the toilet store and I said something like “why don’t you just pull your pants down, too!?! You’re not supposed to test them out in the store!” and then some woman who had spent the past 10 minutes selecting just the right towel rack from a shelf full of IDENTICAL towel racks shouted in her Rhode Island accent “YES YOU AH! YES YOU AH! IT’S VERY IMPAWDINT! I spent six months of my life making sure people got the right toilet!”
I have questions.
1) Why did she shout at me?
b) Why would anyone spend 6 months of her life fitting people for toilets?
4) Would you sit on toilets in the store?
f) Do I have poop issues or is it weird to sit on toilets in the store? I mean, Home Depot keeps them way up high. I imagine that’s to keep people from using them.