Bad news, you guys.
Mister hacked the Wii and now we have every game imaginable, and the Wii is plugged into a very large TV in front of a very comfortable couch in the basement next to a fridge full of beer and a bar. All we’re missing is a microwave to heat up nacho cheese sauce and it’s every man’s fantasyland.
I go to bed alone.
I wake up alone.
I find myself shouting things down the basement stairs like “DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS????” And I hear things shouted back at me like “YOU’RE NOT MY MOTHER!”
And then yesterday I came downstairs in the morning to find that while I was at work the night before, Mister had a little Wii party in the basement and didn’t so much as lift a dish to put it in the dishwasher, and the house was in chaos, and Girlfriend had apparently eaten Fruity Snacks (all natural of course but it’s still not really fruit despite what Mister thinks) for dinner and Homeslice probably ate her socks because I still can’t find them. And in Girlfriend’s room, I found Hello Kitty wearing a pair of Homeslice’s pants with a hole cut into the back so her tail could come out
I kind of knew something was up when I came home that night because he was all nice to me. And I was like “why are you being so nice to me?” and he was like “I can’t be nice to my wife? I love you!” And I’m all “what did you do?” And he’s all “NOTHING! I SWEAR! JEEZUS!!!”
I went BULLSHIT when I found the evidence.
And so I put the Wiimotes in my purse and brought them to work with me.
Yes I did.
And you know what you guys? I came home to the gentle hum of the dishwasher running and Girlfriend’s room all picked up and the books and all the toys put away and the children happy and bathed and pajama-ed and nobody had a hole in the back of their pants.
There was no discussion as to the whereabouts of the Wiimotes because he knew.
PS: Girlfriend is an amazing liar. I’m totally bringing her with me next time I tried to return used/worn things to Macy’s. You should have seen her innocent little face when she told me that the pants were like that when she found them and that maybe Homeslice cut that hole herself. She actually almost convinced me before I came to my senses and had to call bullshit on her. Don’t get me wrong, Queefs. Homeslice is pretty smart. She says “hi” and “Alice” and “mama” and she can wave bye-bye at people and she almost does the “SO BIG ” thing, but as far as I know, she cannot use scissors. I mean seriously, she just figured out how mirrors work.