Turning Target into Wal*Mart, one ill-conceived idea at a time

It has recently come to my attention that the wife of a friend of ours has a rather dreadful drinking problem.  It’s so bad, in fact, that she has been bringing a water bottle full of wine out shopping with her, like to the Super Stop & Shop’s and to Target. 

Yes.

Terrible.

But my reaction upon hearing this news was not shock or horror (that came after hearing that she’s taking her kids with her when she does this. I mean, what a buzz kill kids are, right? Ew!) but AWE.

Just, AWE.

My first thought was “AWESOME!  WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?” because how fun is that?  As if Target wasn’t already the best time you can have, like, ever?  Think of Target with a BUZZ.

Holy hell.

I dare say Mister would have to kick my ass after a shopping trip like that because as it is, I have almost zero self control when I walk in there. The last half of that last sentence will make Mister *so happy.* Seriously though, something happens to my brain and my pupils blow out and I’m like, “must. buy. Target.” And so I walk through the store randomly tossing things into the cart, especially if it has a little orange sticker on it, and when I get home, I’m so oblivious to what I bought that it’s exactly like opening Christmas and I’m all “oooooo, LOOK! We got…SOAP!” And then I flip it over to check to see how many calories the soap has in it because there is something very, very wrong with me.

But I digress…

Now imagine the above situation mixed with a lovely Sauvignon Blanc.

glug, glug, glug…Ahhhhhh…See?

Awesome.

The woman is an innovator and quite frankly, a personal hero at this point.

And if I went to Target with a little buzzypoo, there would no longer be any need to like, use the inconveniently located dressing room to try on one of those $8 long sleeved cotton scoop neck tee shirts (which I AM NOT BUYING ANYMORE!) because fuck it. Just try that shit on right there. Nobody’s looking.

Yet.

Hungry? Open those fucking Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips up right now and dig right in, my friend.

It’s not stealing until you’ve passed a cash register. That’s an insider tip for you right there.

Need a little pick me up after all that relaxing wine? Grab some coffee from the food section and go test out a coffee pot. They keep the filters right next to the coffee pots, just FYI. It’s like they’re practically BEGGING you to do this. And nobody will even say shit to you because they’ll be so freaked out they won’t know what to say. Maybe you could even set up a little stand at the end of the aisle and sell a few cups to the other Target shoppers. You know, for wine money.

The possibilities are endless here, really, and I could go on but you know, just think about all of those things you’ve ever wanted to do at Target, but were too inhibited to pull off.

It’s a whole new world now.

Everything is possible.

Of course, you’ll probably get kicked out while wearing thongs on your head in the panty section, or loudly trying on jock straps, tossing them over your shoulder and shouting “dammit! Still too small!” but so what. You’ll just have to keep going to different stores and that’s okay because there’s lots of Targets.

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27 comments

  1. just picture this…MY Target SELLS THE WINE TOO! It’s one stop shopping for a serious PAR-TAY! Little red stickers for everyone! Woot-Woot!

  2. If I drank wine before going to Target, I’d immediately head for the bedding section. Pick up a few pillows and then plant myself firmly on mattress. In other words, pass out. Yes, I’m a lightweight.
    .-= SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post… Definition =-.

  3. My girlfriends and I have a Christmas tradition where we go drunk shopping for presents. Just meet at a bar (or a restaurant with a bar) near an outside mall, have a couple of drinks (and a few hits from your handy-dandy flask), then roam the Brookstone and Williams-Sonoma, checking names off of your list. The buzz takes the sting out of spending all that money on someone other than yourself.

    Grandma and Grandpa might end up getting some alphabet pasta, but it’s from Williams-Sonoma, so it’s all good, right?
    .-= saratogajean’s last blog post… Yay birthday lunches! =-.

  4. I suggest that for your next holiday gathering, you take everyone to the home section, seat them at the table (decorated with candles and linens from aisle 6), serve them boxed wine, and pumpkin pie. No more stressful holidays! Ohhh! And games! You can play games from the toy section! Why didn’t we think of this sooner?
    .-= Dingo’s last blog post… And Then . . . =-.

  5. Replace wine with beer and you have just pictured every trip I have taken to Walmart. Love to go to Walmart just to look at the crazy people they draw in.

  6. I’ve been drunk in Publix (grocery store) several times. I was buying more wine. Also, I just like saying “drunk in Publix.”

  7. Oh man, I had an absolute panic attack at Target on Sunday. It was a complete train wreck in there, it was like the apocalypse! Shelves were either completely empty or half demolished. And we actually passed a woman with her toddler-aged son fighting with plastic swords. He hit her in the face, she hit him in the face back and all I wanted was to take the sword and hit them BOTH in the face. Had I had a little wine, or say gin, during this event it would have been a lot more enjoyable!
    .-= stealthnerd’s last blog post… I should know at least one of their names, right? I mean, it’s been like 19 years =-.

  8. FYI, Target just got their liquor permit and now sells booze. Buy and drink while shopping…heaven!! I do love the coffee stand idea, I was just thinking that is one thing Target needs.
    .-= Windsor’s last blog post… Bubble Up! =-.

  9. Shopping drunk at Target sounds like a blast. But they should have a shuttle pick you up and take you home.

    All aboard dipsomaniacs!

  10. Want to know what’s almost as good? Standing outside Target in the rain and snow a 4am Black Friday morning while the people in front of you are still wasted from the night before and the people behind you are passing around a gallon jug o’ screwdriver.
    Yeah, I got everything on my list that day. I can run way faster than fat, sleepy, drunk people. Even at 4 am!
    .-= Tess’s last blog post… Selective Stupidity =-.

  11. This is sheer GENIUS. I mean, I’ve gone shopping while under the influence before but never shopped and drank SIMULTANEOUSLY.

    Except when online obviously. When I accidentally order two of the same thing and don’t even realise until I receive ten dvds and five of them are duplicates…

  12. Target is my crack. It’s a good thing it’s an hour drive from where I live or I’d be poor; add wine and they would have to physically remove me from there.

  13. TKG – I don’t think Target even existed until we were out of college.

    So, is it a problem if I’ve done everything on your list except the thong on the head and jock strap flinging sober? Because how do you shop without doing all that stuff? If anybody says anything I speak to them in an angry Lithuanian accent and run away laughing.

  14. COME TO THE ONE IN MY TOWN!! OO!! DO IT! We can go shopping together and make a complete mess of everything.

    I won’t even see these people again.

    Probably.

    Ignoring the fact that I go to school with half of them, but I digress…

    You’re Hottest Mommy Blogger of the year, so, you know, you’ve got an excuse. I’ll just be your overly crazy fan-girl who follows you around and sucks the ground you have walked on just to see if I could get a touch of Teh Hotness.
    .-= Rose’s last blog post… Forgive Me, Blogosphere, For I Have Sinned =-.

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