It has recently come to my attention that the wife of a friend of ours has a rather dreadful drinking problem. It’s so bad, in fact, that she has been bringing a water bottle full of wine out shopping with her, like to the Super Stop & Shop’s and to Target.
But my reaction upon hearing this news was not shock or horror (that came after hearing that she’s taking her kids with her when she does this. I mean, what a buzz kill kids are, right? Ew!) but AWE.
My first thought was “AWESOME! WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?” because how fun is that? As if Target wasn’t already the best time you can have, like, ever? Think of Target with a BUZZ.
I dare say Mister would have to kick my ass after a shopping trip like that because as it is, I have almost zero self control when I walk in there. The last half of that last sentence will make Mister *so happy.* Seriously though, something happens to my brain and my pupils blow out and I’m like, “must. buy. Target.” And so I walk through the store randomly tossing things into the cart, especially if it has a little orange sticker on it, and when I get home, I’m so oblivious to what I bought that it’s exactly like opening Christmas and I’m all “oooooo, LOOK! We got…SOAP!” And then I flip it over to check to see how many calories the soap has in it because there is something very, very wrong with me.
But I digress…
Now imagine the above situation mixed with a lovely Sauvignon Blanc.
glug, glug, glug…Ahhhhhh…See?
The woman is an innovator and quite frankly, a personal hero at this point.
And if I went to Target with a little buzzypoo, there would no longer be any need to like, use the inconveniently located dressing room to try on one of those $8 long sleeved cotton scoop neck tee shirts (which I AM NOT BUYING ANYMORE!) because fuck it. Just try that shit on right there. Nobody’s looking.
Hungry? Open those fucking Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips up right now and dig right in, my friend.
It’s not stealing until you’ve passed a cash register. That’s an insider tip for you right there.
Need a little pick me up after all that relaxing wine? Grab some coffee from the food section and go test out a coffee pot. They keep the filters right next to the coffee pots, just FYI. It’s like they’re practically BEGGING you to do this. And nobody will even say shit to you because they’ll be so freaked out they won’t know what to say. Maybe you could even set up a little stand at the end of the aisle and sell a few cups to the other Target shoppers. You know, for wine money.
The possibilities are endless here, really, and I could go on but you know, just think about all of those things you’ve ever wanted to do at Target, but were too inhibited to pull off.
It’s a whole new world now.
Everything is possible.
Of course, you’ll probably get kicked out while wearing thongs on your head in the panty section, or loudly trying on jock straps, tossing them over your shoulder and shouting “dammit! Still too small!” but so what. You’ll just have to keep going to different stores and that’s okay because there’s lots of Targets.
- Had Ourselves a Merry Little Christmas
- Sharing is caring
- We went to Ikea this weekend. I’d have a better title for this but the baby is being a total bag right now because for some reason, she doesn’t want to lay in her crib and stare at her birdie mobile for an hour. Weird.
- Another Crissyspage Brilliant Idea.
- A Vibrating Condom. A Vibrating Condom?