Whilst Girlfriend was at school yesterday, I went sweater shopping because the room where I work at Schmuckytown Pubic is right next to the big double doors where all the Schmuckytown Pubic Employees do their inning and outing and also where the UPS guy comes to deliver his package (not his figurative one you filthy dirties, his literal package) and so holy Mary mother of Jeebus is it COLD. So, sweaters.
And Homeslice is the bestest little shopper in all the land as long as we bring Princess Sophie with us:
Remember the woobie in Mister mom? Yeah. It’s kind of like that only it’s me that freaks out when she’s missing because she keeps Homeslice occupied for a long time. Sophie crinkles, you know. She’s very fancy. She was also $15, but when I showed her to Homeslice, her eyes got all wide and she was just like, “oooooooo” and so I bought her.
And because of my rather wise and extravagant investment in Princess Sophie, I was able to sift through tons of CRAP (seriously, what is with the crap in the store right now? No wonder all I ever buy is solid color long sleeved cotton scoop neck tee shirts. That’s all there is!) and I found two pretty warmish ones that will do nicely as “library sweaters” (read: for work only because only a librarian would be caught dead in these suckers but it’s better than freezing my tits off or wearing a SNUGGIE, which my boss actually resorted to last yesterday night), and since it’s colder than Santa’s balls these days, I brought them home and put one on immediately for work.
And it’s kind of cute in an asymmetrical, chunky, woolen kind of way which I don’t mind at all and somebody was all “Hey! Cute sweater! Is it new?” and so I’m all “Yeah!” And then she was all “I could tell!” And then she pointed at the wad of tags and spare buttons dangling from my armpit.
I forgot to cut those.
Do any of you guys ever use those spare buttons and little bits of wool that come with new sweaters? Like, if you get a hole in your sweater, do you run to your jewelry box (where else would you keep that, anyway?) and get out the little baggie of spare parts and just start knitting the hole back together, or are you like me and you just put the sweater in the Donations for the Poor Who Have Better Sewing Skills Than Me basket you keep in your closet?
Anyways, I’m an idiot.
PS: I’m sensing some tomfoolery involving a Snuggie and Schmuckytown Pubic. Aren’t you? I can feel it in my bones, just like I can tell when it’s going to rain.
PSS: I wrote this entire post while wrestling with Homeslice. I’m kind of heroic.