You’re a virgin who can’t drive

This morning, Frank Coletta, ace television reporter for the Turn to Ten news, told me that Brittany Murphy died.

This is very sad to me because one of my favorite movies of all time is Clueless, and now the “tragically unhip” Tai is dead.  I love Tai.

That’s sad. Very sad.

What’s also sad is that I am super way behind on Christmas preparations and I need help from people who aren’t clueless in the kitchen.  Do you see how I worked that in, you guys?  The clueless thing?  That’s why I’m the Queen.

I have to make some sort of meat thing and a potato thing and a vegetable thing and also a breakfast thing I don’t know what to make.  I don’t have the head space to come up with anything.

HELP. ME.

I need recipes that are easy, and that I can do with a baby attached to my boob.

Thank you.

Happy almost Christmas.

I’m so tired it’s hard to breathe.

EDIT: here’s the song….

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39 comments

  1. Meat? Potatoes? Veggies? Breakfast? Girl, whip up one of them there breakfast casserole omlette thingys. I’d give you the recipe but I can’t cook and spellcheck is telling me that I don’t know how to spell omlette. Fuck you, spellcheck.
    .-= Dingo’s last blog post… Cookie Monsters =-.

  2. Okay…Cooking is something I can actually do.

    Buy a ham……if you want to be fancy, spread some apricot jam all over it, and set pineapple rings all around. If not, then don’t worry about anything.

    Put it into roasting pan, cover loosly w/ foil. Bake according to directions on packaging….last half hour, take foil off to let it get brown and gooey if you put the stuff on it.

    Potatoes? Veggies? Here’s a combo…..and don’t turn your nose up…it’s really quite tasty, and EASY AS PIE.

    Depending on quantities needed…….buy 5 cans of ‘Shellie Beans’….and 3 cans of peeled whole potatoes. Dump everything into a big pot. Add 1/3 lb of bacon (or so…more or less depending on tastes), and about half of a diced onion. Cook at a decent boil for about 45 min to an hour or UNTIL YOU SEE THE LIQUID REDUCING AND THICKENING……and serve. You’ve got veg and potato all in one.

    Breakfast thing? How elaborate? I’ve got two go to things….a breakfast casserole, or butterscotch sticky buns…….the buns take pre made frozen roll dough (the balls you buy in the freezer section) and some buttescotch pudding, and nuts and butter. You put the butterscotch pudding dry into the bottom of a pan…..butter, nuts also. You arrange the dough in your pan to make ‘rolls’ and put in fridge overnight…..then VIOLA…in the morning, you just bake them…..they are all gooey and yummy.

    I can get you exact recipe if you want. You know my e-mail.

    p.s. I’ve got others rattling around in my brain………just let me know……..cooking is TOTALLY my thing.

  3. Roast beef in the crockpot. Dump it in, put in a package of onion soup mix, a package of italian dressing mix, a can of beef broth and cook it until it’s dead. Then you eat it on buns. People around here won’t come to my parties unless I make it.

    And I’m a fan of the Monkey Bread for breakfast. Mostly because I’m a fan of the Wild Monkey Sex.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… Solstice and Suckers =-.

  4. KFC dude. They have baked chicken and many sides! Oh, you laugh? That’s my husband’s family tradition – KFC for Christmas! Hahahahaha!

  5. Meat, vegetables, and potatoes: Big Mac with fries.

    Breakfast: Big Mac with fries, topped off with coffee and cigarettes. If children will be joining you for breakfast, substitute Lunesta for coffee and cigarettes.
    .-= stoogepie’s last blog post… Porn for Chicks =-.

  6. 16% of men and 8% of women age 20-39 have some form of cardiovascular disease.

    women are more likely than men to die suddenly from a heart attack. 2/3rds of those women have no prior symptoms.

    someone dies in the US from a heart attack every minute.

    according to various sources, the average christmas feast runs anywhere from 1500 up to 6000 calories.

    i’ll have pussy for christmas, if you please.

  7. Shelly- emailing you now…

    Stoogie- I’d like to replace the coffee with bourbon. Other than that, I think you’ve come up with a very fine Christmas menu.

    Natballs- I think we need to play rollin’ with the homies in her honor today. Pimp! We need a link here (if you can stop thinking about pussy for thirty seconds).

  8. Easy easy veggie thing that is delicious – roasted kale.

    Chop up a bunch of Kale and put it in a casserole dish or pan, throw on some olive oil and sea salt and roast at 350 for ~12min. When it comes out sprinkle some parmesan on top.

    It makes the kale crispy and super delicious and takes less than 20 min to make.

  9. I had the best breakfast casserole thingy at my brunch baby shower! The hostess said it was super easy too. Just some eggs/milk (like for scrambled eggs), cheese, and sausage crumbled up. She baked it in a glass casserole dish. So good!! I am not exactly a “cook” or a “chef” so much as a “put food items on a plate so we don’t starve” kind of wife (I know, I know. why aren’t more men running around to marry me??!!) But I figured even I could figure out this breakfast thing. If you want the exact recipe, let me know and I’ll get it to you. (You have my email) Kate’s roast thingy sounds awesome – and I don’t like roast beef all that much. I may have to steal her recipe to try it out…or those danged butterscotch rolls.

    Okay, reading this is making me hungry. Stop it. How am I supposed to get super skinny after having this baby if I have to read these sorts of posts?

  10. And Pimp, you’re stats are great. One of my hub’s best friends died after a long unsuccessful recovery after a heart attack at age 32. He basically was in and out of the hospital the last 15 months or so of his life – while watching 65+ year olds bounce back after a heart attack. He was too young – his body kept producing scar tissue around the stents and bypass areas; something older folks don’t have happen as quickly.

  11. Three simple words Honey Baked Ham. Our family tradition. Whip up some instant mashed potatoes, toss a frozen steam pack of veggies in the microwave, some rolls in the oven. Crack open the booze and begin drinking. Of couse you will want to start the morning with some pickle kissing and end the day with some tuna munching. Oh the holidays!

  12. Stoogie, with you, the fact that there will be pussy is implied.

    My recipe submission:

    Sausage Potato Casserole

    1 lbs (1 tube/roll) bulk breakfast sausage (I prefer the Jimmy Dean Hot or reduced fat variety )
    2-3 large potatoes, peeled and sliced
    1 (8oz.) pkg. cream cheese or neufchatel (light cream cheese), cubed
    6 green onions with three inches of the top, chopped
    2 T. Flour
    1 cup milk
    salt and pepper to taste
    a good dash of white wine
    sour cream as needed to add to the sauce (because we like sour cream)
    melted butter

    In a large skillet, Brown up the sausage and the onions, drain . deglaze the pan with the wine if desired.  Put back in the pan.

    Add the flour, stir, add the milk and stir until the mixture is bubbly.  add the cream cheese and stir until the cheese is melted. Add more milk if the sauce is too think.

    This is the point where you get to decide if you need to add some  sour cream.  Add salt and pepper to taste.
    Layer the sausage mixture with the potatoes in a 2-3 quart casserole dish  or 9 x 13 in pan sprayed with cooking spray.  You can grease the casserole with butter or even the sausage grease, oh heck, mix it in with the potatoes while you are at it…  Sorry got carried away there… Okay, I really have done this but it can get to be a real high fat dish then.

    cook for 1 hour at 350 degrees.  Cook covered for 45 min., then uncovered for another 15 minutes of so.  Pierce the center of the hotdish with a fork, if you meet no resistance from the potatoes, then it is done.

    Another cheating method, sometimes I sliced the potatoes and put them in the baking pan with a litttle milk, salt and butter, and let them start cooking while I make the sauce.  Then  I pour the sauce on and lift layers of potaoes so the sauce gets mixed through.

    If you already have some diced or sliced cooked potatoes… Make the sauce,  reducing the milk to 1/2 cup, mix with the potatoes and bake for 20-30 min until hot and the top is browned.
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Non-Coffeehouse Sunday Dear Santa Post =-.

  13. Also – family tradition for a side dish – broccoli rice

    1c instant rice
    1 package frozen broccoli (defrosted)
    1 can cheese whiz
    1 can cream of mushroom
    1 can cream of chicken
    celery/onion/butter

    sautee the celery/onion/butter until the onion is browning. Then mix all of the ingredients together in a casserole dish and bake at 350 for an hour. Easy enough that Girlfriend can make it (minus the sauteeing part).

  14. For veggies, why not just do a bag or two of frozen lima beans? Steam them, butter them, and add some Mrs. Dash or similar, stir it through. People who love lima beans will love you, and people who hate lima beans won’t eat them, leaving all the more for those of us who do love them. And you have met your vegetable bringing obligation, just like that!

    For breakfast, why not prepare some ham, bacon and sausage patties in advance, and then the morning of the breakfast, just nuke them for a few seconds to heat through. You can do a bunch of individual eggy servings in the oven by putting one egg + a splash of skim milk in each hole of a lightly greased (or silicon) large muffin pan. Then you just toast some english muffins, bagels or croissants, which can also be done in the oven on a baking sheet. Pull some cheese slices out of the fridge and tell the family to assemble their own goddamn breakfast and go back to bed.

  15. oooo somebody say taties? What about a bunch of little red ones, toss in olive oil, with plenty of unpeeled garlic cloves, salt and pep, fresh herbs (rosemary looks like pine needles and with the red skins…very Christmasy). Bake 35-40 @ 400. If you can get the potatoes small enough, you get to skip cutting them into 1/2s or 1/4s.

    Care for Breakfast sandwiches? The easiest would be grilled cheese on a nutty whole grain, or Italian peasant, or sourdough. Roast some red peppers in the oven (up to 2 days ahead of time and slip into the plain grilled cheese and toss in some rocket for spice or a bit of mustard. Sandwiches are super ez plus after all the holiday cookies, syrup at breakfast gets annoying.

    Make a big kettle of homemade apple sauce. All you got to do is chop and don’t add too much water and watch that it doesn’t scorch. Good with toasted cheese sandwiches and makes the house smell like Christmas dreams.

  16. Here is a breakfast thing…..you’ll need 2 cans of those cresent rolls…………. 6 eggs whipped, sausage (cooked and crumbled), 2 cups of cheese, 1 cup of cream cheese…..

    Spray casserole dish with cooking spray and spread the first roll of cresents on the bottom…it should cover the entire bottom……bake for like 10 minutes (they won’t be all the way done and that’s okay)

    Warm the cream cheese so it’s easy to spread and spread it on the bottom of the slightly cooked cresents….Pour over the eggs, put the sausage on top of that……

    (here is the tricky part)Somehow try to manage spreading the other roll of cresents over the top of the mixture…it should cover the stuff from end to end………Bake until done….(30 minutes or so at 350)

    Let cool for 10 minutes or so and then cut into squares and serve

    POTATO THING

    1 bag of frozen shredded potatoes (Ore-Ida)
    1 cup sour cream
    2 cans cream of chicken
    4 cups shredded cheddar cheese
    1/2 cup Parmesan cheese

    in a very large bowl mix the sour cream, cream chicken, shredded cheddar cheese…..add the shredded potatoes (I generally do this with my hands because it is kinda hard…yes I’m weak)

    Spread the mixture on the bottom of a large casserole dish and top with about a half cup of Parmesan cheese then bake for about an hour at 350
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… That Little Vein =-.

  17. “A pig is a magical animal”. So well said crissy……. so well said.

    With their curly little tail and chubby little legs. Have you seen Lonesome Dove? Two darling twin pink piggies in it. George Clooney had a pet pig once and I don’t think Georgie would ever have an unmagical pet. I’ve even recently read there are pigs so tiny you can put them in your pocket or purse and take them anywhere.

    I don’t know about the ski lifts though. But I’d love to go skiing with a little pig in my pack. Life doesn’t get much better than that.

  18. I forgot to mention that I have two super pain in the ass people to cook for. Vegans who hate garlic and onion. They won’t even come into the house if they smell that stuff. I think I’ll serve them the Prisoner’s plate–bread and water and maybe a grape for dessert.

  19. Vegans who hate garlic and onion?! hmmm, well okay, what about a slab of warm tofu (do they object to heated food?), and write out “Ho Ho Ho” in Red Hot candies on the top. They can flick off the Red Hots if they don’t eat sugar.

  20. Well I guess that means anything with milk, eggs, meat (duh), onions or garlic is out. How about you just boil up some sawdust, I mean oatmeal, for breakfast. You can use the (no doubt abundant) leftovers as plain filling in vegan cabbage rolls. Or you could just slip them a vicodan mickey first thing and then go about your normal breakfast routine.

  21. Breakfast Potato Casserole (like at Cracker Barrel)
    2 lbs frozen hashbrowns
    1/2 cup melted butter
    1 can cream of chicken soup
    1 pint sour cream
    1/2 cup chopped onion
    2 cups grated cheddar (or Colby & Cheddar) cheese
    1 tsp salt
    1/4 tsp pepper

    For topping
    2 cups crushed cornflakes
    1/4 cup melted butter

    Step 1
    In a large bowl pour all 2 pounds of frozen hashbrowns and let defrost. (If you do not have time to defrost, follow manufacturer instructions to do so.)
    Step 2
    Once the hashbrowns are fully defrosted, in the same large bowl add the 1/2 cup of melted butter, an entire can of cream of chicken soup, 1 pint of sour cream, 1/2 cup of chopped onion, 2 cups of grated cheese, 1 tsp of salt and 1/4 tsp of black pepper.
    Step 3
    Mix all of the ingredients until well blended.
    Step 4
    Pour mixture into a 3 quart casserole dish and spread evenly. Set aside. You do not need to grease the pan.
    Step 5
    In a saute pan, saute the 2 cups of crushed cornflakes in butter and sprinkle on top of the casserole mixture.
    Step 6
    Cover with aluminum foil and bake in the oven at 350 degrees for about 40 minutes.

    *Easy and Delish – Roasted Root Veggies
    -1 lb fingerling or colored baby potato
    -1 lb parsnips – peeled & cut into 1″ pieces
    -1 lb carrots – peeled & cut into 1″ pieces
    -2 med. size sweet potato – peeled and cut into 1/2″ thick slices
    -1 lb brussel sprouts – wash & trim a little off stem

    place all veggies in a big bowl, pour 1/2 cup olive oil, 1 tablespoon sea salt, 1/2 tablespoon black pepper, 1 tablespoon fresh fine chopped rosemary -Mix well, and lay out in single layer onto a roasting pan (or any pan with at least a 1″ lip)…Bake at 400 for appx. 45 minutes, turning veggies once.

    this tastes great with – Apple Pork Loin –
    this recipe is for a 2 pound package (2 loins) of Pork Tenderlion – preheat oven to 400

    Using a heavy oven proof skillet, melt 2 tbls butter & 2 tbls olive oil over medium heat. Rub tenderloin with salt & pepper and sear each side, using tongs to turn. remove from heat.

    In a med. bowl, combine 1/4 cup brown sugar, 2 teaspoons cinnamon and 3 (granny smith or any cooking type apple) apples (peeled, cored and sliced). Spoon this over tenderloin (it will be a dry mix) and put pan in the oven, cook for 45 minutes (or until meat thermometer says 155)

    You can cook the tenderloin and veggies at the same time, but increase the cooking time for 5-10 min. depending on your oven.

  22. Oh, you have vegans… well the…

    Tofu Scramble

    Ingredients:

    * 1/2 green bell pepper, diced
    * 1 block tofu, drained and pressed
    * 2 tbsp oil or margarine
    * 1/2 tsp dried parsley
    * 1 tbsp soy sauce
    * 2 tbsp nutritional yeast
    * 1/2 tsp turmeric (optional)

    Preparation:
    Slice the tofu into approximately one inch cubes. Then, using either your hands or a fork, crumble it slightly.

    Sautee pepper and crumbled tofu in oil for 3-5 minutes, stirring often. Add remaining ingredients, reduce heat to medium and allow to cook 5-7 more minutes, stirring frequently and adding more oil if needed.

    Wrap in a warmed flour tortilla with a bit of salsa for a breakfast burrito or top with soy or dairy cheese. Serves two.

    Or… Tofu Scramble w/ Spinach & Mushrooms

    Tofu Scramble with Spinach
    Ingredients:

    * 2 tbsp olive oil
    * 3/4 cup sliced fresh mushrooms
    * 2 tomatoes
    * 1 bunch spinach, rinsed
    * 1 pound firm or extra firm tofu, well pressed and crumbled
    * 1/2 tsp soy sauce
    * 1 tsp lemon juice
    * salt and pepper to taste

    Preparation:
    Sautee tomatoes and mushrooms in olive oil for 2 to 3 minutes.

    Reduce heat to medium low and add spinach, crumbled tofu, soy sauce and lemon juice. Cover and cook for 5 to 7 minutes, stirring occasionally.

    Sprinkle with a dash of salt and pepper before serving.

    Perhaps some vegan banana bread?

    Ingredients:

    * 1/3 cup margarine
    * 1/2 cup sugar
    * 2 cups flour
    * 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
    * 1/2 tsp baking soda
    * 2 ripe bananas, mashed
    * 1/2 cup soy milk
    * 1 tsp vanilla
    * 1/2 cup chopped walnuts (optional)

    Preparation:
    Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

    Cream together the vegan margarine and sugar, then stir in the flour and baking powder and baking soda. Add the remaining ingredients and mix well.

    Pour into an oiled bread pan and bake for 50 minutes.
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Non-Coffeehouse Sunday Dear Santa Post =-.

  23. you know what you should do? get yourself a job like mine that means you have to work on christmas. then you can eat the ‘staff friendly’ christmas lunch they feed you – which includes little meat because basically everyone is vegetarian, and then when you get home, you can just eat the leftovers from lunch. The lunch that someone else made.
    .-= CuppyCakes’s last blog post… Coming Clean. =-.

  24. meat thing – roast a chicken, or pick-up one at the market
    potato thing – seriously, boxed au gratin are awesome, throw some bread crumbs, chopped green onion & crumbled bacon on top & claim them as your own. or bake sweet potatoes if you’re trying to be heatlhy
    veggie thing – chop up zucchini & some onion, throw in skillet & cover, add chopped tomato & a little oil/vinegar salad dressing & let it cook down, top with a little parmesan cheese
    breakfast – denny’s

    fyi, vegans bring their own food to my house…

  25. Well, it looks like you have enough recipes, so I’m not going to add anything….but my thought is to tell your “pain in the ass Vegans” to brown bag it!!!!

    she said sausage…hee hee hee…..

  26. First off excellent blog. Im unsure if it has been talked about, however when using Opera I can never get the entire page to load without refreshing alot of times. Could just be my router. Thanks

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