I wasn’t going to post this morning, but I was thinking about how now that I’m going to be a big pornographer and everything and Stoogie and I are going to change the face of porn forever, I need a porn name.
So I did that old trick where you use your first pet’s name and your mother’s maiden name to get your porn name and it’s TUNA ADLER. Yeah. Not quite, but thanks for playing!
So I tried the name of the first street I lived on with the pet’s name and it’s TUNA BREAKNECK. I dare say I should probably just go with my second pet’s name and never my street name because TUNA is never sexy and BREAKNECK is just plain terrifying. It’s more like a pro-wrestler name if anything. Or some sort of F-list superhero, I suppose.
Ya-ta-da-da! It’s TUNA BREAKNECK TO THE RESCUE!!!!
We had a lot of pets over the course of my childhood, so I tried all the ones I could think of and I’m sorry but we had some freaky ass pet names.
Barnabus (aka Tuna. I don’t know why.)
Duchess (Ooooo! That’s a good one! Duchess Breakneck! No? Maybe it can be my wrestling name.)
King Arthur of the Bunnyrabbits (only he was a Yorkie. WHAT? I named him when I was 7. Fuck you guys)
Chelsea (aka Princess Vespa. My mother is insane)
Tashi (aka Spokane. My mother, again)
So none of these are acceptable porn names. They’re not even acceptable pet names, actually.
I’ve got to split, but I want you Queefs and Queefettes to tell me your porn name. Or your pet name, because I’ve got nothing to work with here.
I blame my parents.