Tuna Breakneck

I wasn’t going to post this morning, but I was thinking about how now that I’m going to be a big pornographer and everything and Stoogie and I are going to change the face of porn forever, I need a porn name.

So I  did that old trick where you use your first pet’s name and your mother’s maiden name to get your porn name and it’s TUNA ADLER.  Yeah. Not quite, but thanks for playing!

So I tried the name of the first street I lived on with the pet’s name and it’s TUNA BREAKNECK.  I dare say I should probably just go with my second pet’s name and never my street name because TUNA is never sexy and BREAKNECK is just plain terrifying.  It’s more like a pro-wrestler name if anything.  Or some sort of  F-list superhero, I suppose.

Ya-ta-da-da! It’s TUNA BREAKNECK TO THE RESCUE!!!!

Maybe not.

We had a lot of pets over the course of my childhood, so I tried all the ones I could think of and I’m sorry but we had some freaky ass pet names.

Check it:
Barnabus (aka Tuna. I don’t know why.)
Gunther
Mary
Shadow
Duchess (Ooooo! That’s a good one! Duchess Breakneck! No? Maybe it can be my wrestling name.)
Charlie
Kelley
King Arthur of the Bunnyrabbits (only he was a Yorkie. WHAT? I named him when I was 7. Fuck you guys)
Nigel
Chelsea (aka Princess Vespa. My mother is insane)
Sally
Tashi (aka Spokane. My mother, again)
Pheobe
Benny
Joon
Martha

So none of these are acceptable porn names. They’re not even acceptable pet names, actually.

I’ve got to split, but I want you Queefs and Queefettes to tell me your porn name. Or your pet name, because I’ve got nothing to work with here.

I blame my parents.

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48 comments

  1. Dusty Museum
    Dusty Cummings (It’s been a while)
    Ralph Museum
    Molly Museum
    Molly Cummings
    Ralph Cummings (uhh yeah I don’t think I would go with that one but damn would it be suitable for a gay poor star!) hahaha

  2. Mopsey 39th
    Mopsey Eckert

    Hmmmm not very sexy.

    Although my first cat was named Norman Bates. Equally creepy and unsexy.

    Guess I can’t be a porn star for one of your feature films. Damnit!

  3. It’s either that or Ramona Newton. I can’t remember if my fish came before or after the (literally) retarded dog (Goldie is the dog, Ramona is the fish.). I have to go with my street vs my mom’s maiden name or I sound like a mail order bride rather than a porn star…

  4. Going with street name is better for me:

    Pepper Ainsworth. (technically it was East Ainsworth Avenue, but that doesn’t sound as good. And she was a registered AKC dog with a long fancy name, but was “Pepper” for short – which is a better porn name I think) The boy dog we had at the same time was nicknamed “Jack” which is almost always a good male porn first name.

    I like Crissy D. Lyte though.

    And while King Arthur of the Bunnyrabbits is by far the oddest dog name I’ve heard, my uncle had a dog named “B.C.” it stood for “barking cat.” The dog was one of those small fuzzy things who wasn’t much bigger than a cat. My uncle thinks he’s clever. he’d probably really like your mom. And I had a cat named “Chelsea.”

  5. Pimp-You have a cool porn name. Strider is always cool.

    Daisee- my uncle, my mother’s brother, had cats named Freeway (he rescued him after seeing him thrown from a car on the highway), Gravity (a rescue from a tree), and Factory Girl (a rescue from an abandoned factory), and a Great Dane named Grace who is a big slobbery klutz.

  6. According to the online quiz I took (because we all know how scientifical THOSE are) my name would be “Lil Miss Suckit” which immediately brings to mind a “Lil Miss Muffet” porn parody.

    Crissy D.Lyte is good… or you could go with “Lotta Luvvin”
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Quick check-in =-.

  7. What if you have like three pets? and I’ve heard of SO many variations of this.
    I’m going to go with my FIRST PET’S NAME and the STREET I GREW UP ON:
    Misty Forrester.
    oh yeah. tell me that’s not good.
    .-= Natballs’s last blog post… OBLOGatory Photos =-.

  8. Since I’m a brown person from the very, very south, I did not live on a street with a name but with numbers and I dont remember any and since i was very poor, i didnt have a pet either. I’ve been given a few porn names throughout the years and I’ve noticed that the correlation with the animal part of the name calling seems to imply bestiality and that’s just disturbing.
    Except if i’m called E-rex (Short for Erectosaurus Rex)
    .-= PorkStar’s last blog post… Friday Observation: Assholes a.k.a. men =-.

  9. I use anagrams for my secret names. Here’s your first few from wordsmith.org.

    Berserk Titling
    Gerbil Trinkets
    Gerbil Knitters
    Brisket Ringlet
    Be Ringlet Skirt
    Be Glitters Rink
    Be Glitter Rinks
    Be Stringer Kilt

    hey. It made me laugh. I’m Tiara Sunfish. It’s someone ELSE’S anagram. But I liked it. So it works.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… Silence =-.

  10. Hysterical! If I used my first pet’s name with my mother’s maiden name, I’m Lady Townsend… or Rambo Townsend as we had both dogs at the same time. I think I’ll stick with the first!

  11. Dusty Hunt…which unfortunately sounds like Dusty Cunt, so I’ll have to go to the street….Dusty Cherry.

    I guess I have no future in porn.

  12. Crissy, I love it! I have a friend who growing up named her cats (well her and her two siblings) very clever names like Yellow Cat, Gray Gat, and Black and White Cat. I wonder if she’s related to your uncle.

    PS good for your uncle to be so kind to animals and rescue such abused babies, though. 🙂

  13. If the trick is taking your first pet’s name, Drambie (as in the liquor, Drambouie) and your mother’s maiden name, then my porn name is Drambie Volper, which really sounds more like an old, drunk, smelly, Jewish guy. Sigh.
    .-= SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post… Name =-.

  14. Kelly Robins, which is a very appropriate name for a babysitter or the captain of the dance line. I was neither, and if I were a stripper or porn star, those wouldn’t be my alter-egos.

  15. GUNTHER BREAKNEAK! You could be a bouncer at my imaginary underworld bar any day!

    My stripper name is Dylan Montclair, which I think is kind of a wonderful name and have given when making reservations at restaurants on nights I am dining alone and wearing big sunglasses, because it seems like the name of the type of women who would probably be there to meet her sugardaddy.
    .-= That Kind of Girl’s last blog post… TKOG Who <3s sluts and hula hoops (TMI Thursday!) =-.

  16. My first dog’s name was Fifi. Not going with that one. My second dog’s name was Tiger. Given the news lately, I think that’s a perfectly acceptable porn name.
    .-= Dingo’s last blog post… Furby =-.

  17. You may use my porn name, Patches Lake. It’s yours for the taking but if you and Stoogie make any money Id like 10%.

  18. Two first pets: Lady ( a terrier mix who got her leg caught in a trap and chewed it off to free herself), and my first horse, my parents let me name “Candy Colt”.

    First street was “Kalanioneole Hwy.”

    So mine could either be, Lady Kalanioneole Highway,
    or Candy Colt Kalanioneole. I’m thinking in this case, Candy Kalanioneole, might be the better choice.

    Or……….what about Lady Colt Kalanioneole? I mean, I got kind of horny just typing it out, so maybe that one???

  19. Mine sucks since I grew up on a numbered highway, but in an effort of super mommmy awesomeness, my oldest daughter’s porn name would be Harmony Boomer. Classy eh? Gonna skip ballet and go ahead and sigh her up for those pole dancing lessons right now.
    .-= Dawn’s last blog post… Bad, Bad Mommy =-.

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