Mr.Rogers definitely would have wanted to have a neighbor just! like! me!

Remember how awesome Mr. Rogers was, you guys?

I loved him.

And my favorite part was when the trolley came to take us to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. I had a total girl crush on Lady Aberlin.  She was hot.

King Friday was a wicked dick, right?

I loved when Mr. Rogers fed the fish and they played that trippy music.

And the sandbox!

That was the balls, wasn’t it?

It was particularly awesome when Mr. Rogers made truck noises when he pushed plastic cups around in it. I about peed my Wonder Woman underoos when he did that, I swear it.

I loved that song, too–Everybody’s Fancy.  That was my jam.

But did you ever wonder what’s up with Mr. McFeeley? Like, what’s the situation with that wig? I’m about 90% sure he’s secretly a gay prostitute hit man. Probably. I mean, the name says it all–Mr. McFeeleyalltheboysontheirfancypartswithhis”gun.” Just don’t tell anyone about his real identity because he’s got a 38 in the mail bag and he will totally pop a cap in your ass or pistol whip you or something. Don’t let the friendly blue uniform fool you, neighbors.  It’s all a ruse.

Imagine Mr. McFeeley standing over you, Pulp Fiction style, because you ganked a cookie from Mr. Rogers.

Does Fred Rogers look like a bitch to you? Say “what” again motherfucker!

And what was really in those packages he delivered? I mean, this was thirtynanahumhum years ago, so my memory might be failing me, but they were always in a plain brown wrapper, weren’t they?  That’s because they contained either cocaine or a little something for the giggidy-giggidy with Mrs. Rogers when Mr. Rogers got home and had to explain where he was all fucking afternoon.

“I was out buying you this, honey!  I swear!”

I wonder if she knew he had a Secret Lair with a Secret Sweater and Secret Sneakers and Secret Fish.

She must have been clueless because why else would he change into his sweater and then change back into his sports coat before he left? And you can say that he did that because he didn’t want to get any play sand on his work clothes, sure, but you can just brush sand off.

There’s really no need to change your clothes.

How shocked would we be if Mr. Rogers was all “today, boys and girls, we’re going to talk about kittens!” and then on the way home he stops at the Neighborhood Bar and gets his gin on and then BLAM!  He goes home and smacks his bitch up.

We’d be pretty shocked, wouldn’t we?

That would be crazy.

It’s always the quiet ones. That’s what they say.

My mom once had this friend who’s cousin’s friend’s ex-wife’s former housekeeper’s son worked on his show and he said that this one time, they put a naked stripper in the closet, and when he opened it to get his sweater, there she was! But he gave no reaction at all. He just kept singing his song because he was wicked no fun like that.

I would laugh if someone put a naked stripper in my closet (please someone put a naked stripper in my closet).

What if instead of changing into his sweater, he came in and had to like, take a wicked pee and ran into the bathroom and sang the song in there…

“I have always wanted to have a neighbor just! like! you!” and as he sang the just! like! you! part he shook the dew off his lily in three little shakes. You know, for emphasis.

Anyhoodle, I loved me some Mr. Rogers. Also, Captain Kangaroo and Romper Room. I’m still waiting for that lady to see me in her magic romper, bomper, stomper boo mirror thing though.

I’m still out here in “televisionland.”

Waiting.

Just say my name bitch, and let’s end this thing!

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33 comments

  1. How bout Zoom? That’s where I learned what a SASE was (self addressed stamped envelope for all you non zoomers). And I can swing my arms and cross them in some ridiculous way that they were just filling time with.

    And boy was I pissed when I had morning kindergarten and it interfered with my Bozo watching abilities.

  2. Ack! I loved these shows too! K8, I had no idea Captain Kangaroo was a drunk. Of course, when I watched his shows I didn’t know what a “drunk” was. But still. And why weren’t more of these dudes investigated for the pedophilia? Seriously, there were a lot of dudes really into kids back in the day.

    I loved 3, 2, 1, Contact and Electric Company too. But then, I’m a nerd who likes to learn.

    I totally cried when Magic Mirror lady didn’t call my name. I never understood how those other kids were so lucky she saw them but not me. So unfair.

  3. Oooh, and I desperately wanted to be on Bozo’s show and do the Grand Prize Game. I didn’t know you had to travel to Chicago. I just wanted to know why I couldn’t do it!

  4. I was devastated every time she skipped my name. I waited on pins and needles and NOTHING! Not even a Christine! I guess you had to write in if you wanted her to say your name. I’d have done that, but I didn’t know how to write. BUT I did know what an SASE was thanks to Zoom! HA!

    Aznman- I don’t think there was much chance of her seeing “Aznman” out there in televisionland. I think you’ll be waiting a long time to hear that one, buddy. I’m sorry.

    Daisee- I loved 3-2-1 Contact! The Bloodhound Gang was awesome! And wasn’t the Grand Prize game the most awesome thing ever? They gave away some great stuff!

    Melissa- ME TOO!

  5. Nah, my thing was Fraggle Rock. And Reading Rainbow. I used to feel important watching reading Rainbow because my mom watched Star Trek, and my show had the same guy- just without the funky glasses, so he must have been the most fabulous dude Ever! And I would always sit there with paper so I could write down the names of books, then drag my mom to the library so I could get every single one of them.
    Now that I think about it, if they had paid attention back then they totally could have predicted my career path. (Currently working on a masters in Literature)

  6. Tess! Run away! Run away! I have one of those degrees and look at me. It’s useless! No one will hire you because you can read. NOBODY! It’s like they don’t even care.

    Stealthnerd- Did he touch you on your fancy parts?

  7. I loved Fraggle Rock and Reading Rainbow too! How could I forget??!! I loved the little Doozers. My favorite Fraggle was probably Red with her little pigtails 🙂 And I can still sing the Reading Rainbow song. I just didn’t know it was the dude from Star Trek for the longest time. I guess the glasses fooled me. LOL

    Crissy, I used to desperately want to be a librarian. I thought they all got to sit around and read all day. When I realized that wasn’t the case and that I’d likely get fired for sitting around reading, I had to change paths. I am still jealous that you get to work around books and stuff. I miss the public too – they always make for great stories (and blogs).

  8. i MET mr. mcfeely this summer!! can you believe he’s still even alive?? he must have been a kinda young man dressed up in old man makeup when i was a kid, because he looks EXACTLY FREAKING THE SAME now.

    or maybe when you’re 4, you think 45 yr old men look 70. also a possibility.
    .-= Alice’s last blog post… update! i have not been offed by the mob! =-.

  9. I can’t believe you watched those shows! I’m at least a few months older than you.:( Romper Room lady never said my name either and it’s freaking Lisa! WTF?

  10. Thanks for reminding us all how creepy our childhood educational tv was. I’d forgotten. I’m sure it’s due to the brainwashing techniques they used on those shows.

  11. Not even one mention of Zoobilee Zoo?

    But I must admit, I still get sucked in to Mr. Rogers with the kids. Who doesn’t like to sing the ‘I like to take my time’ song? 🙂

  12. Oh, how I waited for Miss Mary Ann to say my name. I had to look on the Romper Room Wiki to remember what her name was. Who know there was all kinds of controversy involved with Miss Sheri and her taking thalidomide. Kinda Sad. Who remembers Wonderama though? My Ex-Boyfriend Jay got to do a trivia question with Bob McAllister. (I like the edit Crissy)

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