Who wants some peas?


That was a busy weekend.

So Mister’s  snippy snippy went fine on Friday.  Thank you all for your well wishes.  It warmed his heart as his balls froze to death under a pile of frozen peas.  I was feeling a little sad about it, to be honest.  I’m not going to have any babies anymore.  Sigh.  But then Homeslice starts bitching and pulling my hair and I am very comforted that I won’t be having any more babies.  Hoo. Fucking. Ray!

And Mister is maybe a little sad that he didn’t have a son to pass on his family name, but I told him not to worry.  Maybe one of the girls will be a lezbeefriend and she’ll adopt some little Chinese babies with her life partner and the family name will not die with him.  It will just become Chinese instead.

(This cannot leave this blog, but between you and me, my money’s on Homeslice.  I mean look at her!


She’s diesel!  And she’s a little, shall we say, overly enthusiastic, about the boobages.  I’m just saying.)

And so right after Mister got home from his appointment, I went to a party because I’m a very caring wife like that and I know you’ve all been waiting for the final count on the theme sweaters and I am very sad and disappointed to tell you that there was only ONE and it wasn’t even that hideous.  What a bummer.  And there was nary a candy cane turtle neck to be seen.  What is wrong with these people?  There were, however, a large number of red sweaters and snow flake pins, so it wasn’t a total loss. I got a really awesome coffee cup that said “Do you have a library card, cause I’d like to check you out.” on it.  It’s pretty awesome, obviously, and so that nobody would Yankee Swap me for it, I rubbed it on my bum.

I like to think that I always bring a touch of class with me wherever I go.  This was no exception.

And then yesterday we did our Christmas tree.  It looks lovely, but can I ask you guys something?  Do you always picture events like these in a glowy, Hallmarkish scene only to get to the tree place and freeze your ass off while dragging a kid who keeps whining “I’m hungry. Can we get donuts?” every five seconds because she knows Home Depot has donuts (assholes), and when she’s not asking for treats, she’s bitching that she’s cold because she left her hat and gloves in the car, and you just want to kill yourself?  And then when you finally get the fucker home and set up in the stand, people wind up fighting and acting like jerks and you end up decorating the tree all by yourself while fantasizing that the Goblin King came and took them all away?

Or is it just me?

Anywho, that’s my weekend update.  It was fucking fascinating, I know.

PS: I got a shipment of wonderful home made bath stuff that I ordered from the lovely Ms. Darkstar.  She sent me some as a present after I had Homeslice and the stuff is just marvy. I bought some as Christmas presents.  She makes awesome lip balm too.  The orange mango (I’m too lazy to get up and go check on the name) one smells just a like an orange Chuckle.  Serioulsy, you need to order some stuff for the people on your list who, ahem, need to smell better.  She’ll hook your shit up.

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  1. Diesel? But HS is sporting more pink than you’d see at a breast cancer fundraiser. If you go through her stuff and find a Larry the Cable Guy cut off plaid shirt, or three, well, there you go.

  2. She’s SO CUTE!!!! I want to squeeze her cheeks! And I bet you and mister are a little sad. But happy, but sad. You know. All that. I ordered some lip balm from Ms. Darkstar last week. I can’t WAIT!!! And she’s making some perfume JUST FOR ME because I’m all kinds of awesome. And she is too.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… Happy Feet Friday =-.

  3. This totally made my day! We put up our tree last night (fake because I am not as brave as you)and my girls (2 and 4) broke SIX ornaments. Some not even glass! So far we have never had the picturesque putting up of the tree. The hubby thinks we have the only children that go ape shit when it is time to do what is supposed to be movie like stuff. Good to have proof! For example.


  4. First, I must say that tree trimming is never the lovely festive heart warming event it’s supposed to be. It usually ends up with at least one person being totally aggravated and/or pissed off. Secondly, HOMESLICE looks so frickin cute! Although I am slightly upset that she is infinitely more fashionable than me. Love the boots!!!

  5. Oh my god, I’m so happy you wrote this post. I had my tree trimming day all glowy up in my head; I had the mulled wine heating, the carols playing, but it turned hideous and I said fuck about a million times trying to put the lights up and the kids would not give me ONE INCH OF SPACE. I’ve spent all day today feeling guilty and so it’s nice to know I’m not alone. It’s like you’re my Oprah.

  6. I’ve never had a real tree. Fancyhats is making me get one this year. On Wednesday, in fact. His mom sent me ornaments because she can’t believe I have none.

    I can’t wait to get into an argument and curse and think this thing in my living rooms looks like crap and I’LL HAVE TO CLEAN UP ALL OF ITS STUPID PINE THINGS.

    Christmas cheer!
    .-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… Get Yer Tickets Now! =-.

  7. I love the mood-enhancing fire element in the photo with Homeslice. I swear she’ll have the boys and girls wanting a piece if her in no time.

    We don’t do Christmas trees in my house. I’m Jewish and my husband is the grinch. Be happy we weren’t tree shopping with you.
    .-= SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post… Birthday =-.

  8. Glad to know Mr. has his priorities. Don’t tell me you’re back at work already? Don’t you get like at least ONE sympathy day off?

    Crissy, I’m going to check out Darkstar’s stuff. I don’t have a tub here in CA (WTF, CA??), but I could still use some good lip balm. It’s like dry and stuff here!! Thanks for letting me know about her.

  9. nope it’s not just you .. i prefer to decorate the tree by myself anyway cuz everyone else just wrecks it.

    HS is the sweetest! Adorable.

    Get well soon Mister

  10. My husband was the end of the line for his family name. That’s why we have 3 kids. He got lucky and the last one was a boy, but I always worry he’ll be gay lol. He was telling me he liked someone at school and I was a bit relieved when it was a girl’s name ;o)

    The trek to Home Depot is why I have a fake tree now! They suck but it’s better than the whole pick a tree in the cold drama.

    When your kids get older you just let them decorate it while you “supervise”
    .-= Mom Taxi Julie’s last blog post… I’ve been buried in bookmarks! =-.

  11. This seals the plan. Another one of perfectly precious Homeslice.

    Going away next weekend to get a little closer to Santa. This year’s evenings around the Lodge fondue pot when I meet new people and the conversation invariably turns to “do you have kids”, I’m so whippin’ out MOMMY’S BRAG BOOK.

    I hope you and Sir Pimp don’t mind that I’ve loaded it with pictures of your two little miracles.

    I’ll wait until after everyone is in their 3rd glass of schnapps, so they don’t get suspicious that the sweethearts look nothing at all like us.

  12. Awww! Homeslice is SO CUTE!! I wanna blow raspberries on those cheeks! But yeah, she looks like she could take me.

    Also, I never love being Jewish MORE than when I see people dragging trees into their houses, or hear about how someone’s kid stepped onto a dead needle and screamed for 45 minutes. It’s like Jesus’ way of saying, “Sure, they get the lights, but you get the laughs. Mazal tov, cuz!”

    On another note… I hope Mister’s balls are doing better. There’s nothing like facing the holiday season with a pair of firey ones fresh from the chopping block!
    .-= KinkyJew’s last blog post… The Power Of Polyamory =-.

  13. We put our tree up last Sunday. It was a happy Hallmark moment. After 10 years of trying, it’s about damn time.
    And BTW- our home depot only has stale popcorn.

  14. You should market that picture of Homeslice as a cure for seasonal depression. Anyone seeing those bright eyes, cute chubby cheeks and smile has to feel better.

  15. I thought all day about this and figured out your OBVIOUS mistake! While child and husband are drinking hot chocolate, I also have a mug–but I fill it with WINE! As the disaster gets bigger you care less and less and then, it’s just funny.

    Just when I thought I had nothing of value to teach you, grasshopper…

  16. You crack me up….I love reading your blog, it makes me LOL.
    Homeslice is just too darn cute!! Hugs to Mister for “manning up” and doing the right thing.

  17. A resounding yes on the christmas tree bit. I always have such high hopes.

    And please don’t ever tell my kids I rearrange the decorations after they’ve gone to bed!

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